Category Archives: True Blood

True Blood Recap – 6×10 “Radioactive”

Bill True Blood RadioactiveWhat. The. Fuck. Just. Happened? True Blood’s season 6 finale was packed full of both the expected and unexpected. Bill losing his powers? Expected. Warlow biting the dust? Expected. Sookie and Alcide being together, an outbreak of Hep V putting both humans and vampires at risk, and seeing Eric’s junk burst into flames? Unexpected. Let’s get down to the dirty deets.

Violet and Jason True Blood RadioactiveFun In The Sun: The vampires from the camp are still on a fae-blood high and loving life right now. They mosey over to Bill’s house for a day full of frolicking, dancing, volleyball and getting it on. Someone even asks, “Who’s making a Target run?” I’m utterly shocked Bon Temps even has a Target. Violet is still obsessed with Jason who has somehow fallen in love with her aggressive, European ways. She’s totally jealous of Jessica though. She knows her and Jason have a history and that they are meant to be together, because they are. #TeamJasica. While everyone’s soaking up the sun, Pam tells Tara that she’s going to find Eric. Tara’s pissed, but off Pam shoots into the sky to seek out her maker. Sookie and Alcide (after flirting in the cemetery) stumble upon the day-walking vamps. Alcide asks “how is this even possible,” and I’m only assuming he’s referring to how unbelievable it is that all those vamps have flawless, rocking bodies. I don’t get it either, Alcide. Eternal death treats people so well. Somehow, Sookie isn’t even phased about the sight of her brother being fed off by a half-dressed vampire. Violet greets her with a full on kiss and proclaims that Jason’s family is her family. How sweet. Poor Sook is just trying to say goodbye to her brother before she becomes a fairy princess bride.

Sookie and Warlow True Blood RadioactiveHere Comes The Bride: Sookie returns to Warlow in the fae plane in the cemetery and sees him preparing their wedding maypole. Not going to lie, that shit was beautiful. Warlow is craftier than mother f*cking Martha Stewart. Too bad the romance ends when Sookie suggests dating first. Warlow responds with the back of his hand to her face. He’s basically like, “Bitch, I’m not down for dating. I’ve been trying to wife you for over 5,500 years. I don’t have time for Buffalo Wild Wings, bouquets of flowers and late nights talking about your feelings.”

He ties her up and she attempts to use her light, threatening to expel herself of all her fae-ness, but he just ties her up tighter. He even calls her a danger whore! How rude. All he wants to do is marry her and use her for sex and blood. This Wookie (that’s Sookie and Warlow for you newbs) love story just took a dark turn.

Jason kills Warlow True Blood RadioactiveTeam Save Sookie: Bill tells Jessica that he’s lost all of his powers. Thank Billith! I never want to look at a bloody, naked Lillith ever again. He tells Jessica about the deal Sookie made with him and Jessica convinces him that he shouldn’t give up. There’s still time to save her! They give Jason the Wookie scoop and he’s pretty f*cking pissed, like he should be. Bill knows the only way to save her is to get to the fairy plane. Unfortunately, the only way to get through the portal is with a fairy’s light and that means they need Adalyn. Jason is ready to roll out and save his sister. He’s really pumped up about this. Come on, y’all!

Jason and Violet convince Adalyn to help save Sookie and Andy agrees to go along with the plan if they can go in gun’s blazing. Jason’s down. In the meantime, Bill leads Takahashi into the woods, erases his memory and gives him a bag full of cash. There’s the Bill we know and love. Adalyn, Bill, Violet, Andy and Jason head to the cemetery and Violet ends up scaring Adalyn into zapping them into the fairy plane. Bill manages to injure Warlow and get enough time for the whole gang to retreat to Sookie’ house. That was a f*cking terrible plan because Warlow’s been invited in and he just blows pass Andy, Bill, Violet AND Jason. He finds Sookie in the bathroom and Sookie remains in badass mode, staying Jason kills Warlow True Blood Radioactivesassy and telling him that she’s not his to use as he pleases. We see Niall pop out of the bathroom portal and hold Warlow until Jason can stake and kill him. Sookie and Jason pull Niall out of the portal and just like that, Warlow is dead and Grandaddy Niall is back from dark-fae-land. I had such high hopes for Warlow’s character, too. Oh, well. I guess Sookie will just have to find someone else to fall in love with. All of a sudden, we see Violet, Jessica and Bill lose their fairy blood high in a zap of light. Cut to Eric chilling in the buff in the Swiss Alps reading a book. He too loses the fairy blood perks and bursts into flames, but not before we get to see his baloney pony in all it’s glory. For those of you thinking that Eric died, you need to STOP. Look at the send-off they gave Terry. They’re not getting rid of everyone’s favorite character just like that. Pam’s going to find him in a cave somewhere. Have faith.

Sookie and Alcide True Blood RadioactiveSix Months Later: Flash forward six months and Sookie is on the couch watching Bill being interviewed about his best-seller, “And God Blend.” Umm… pretentious much? Anyway, he’s talking to the interviewer about how Hep V was originally created and that it’s Burrell’s fault a large portion of vampires all over the world are now infected. Umm… say what? Okay, so I totally called on Twitter that Hep V was going to become airborne and infect humans. However, I don’t understand how it’s effecting vampires. They aren’t dying, just getting weaker, creepier and more blood-thirsty. Sookie doesn’t give a single f*ck that her brooding ex is on TV because in walks her new beau, Alcide, shirtless (finally), with a fresh haircut and looking extra fine. He picks her up and carries her to the bedroom. The two of them together is so adorable I can barely stand it.

It’s also worth mentioning that Jason and Violet are still together and she’s held true to her promise of withholding sex from him for a very, very, very long time. Let’s just say Jason is being quite giving but she refuses to return the favor… like ever. What a bitch! Anyway, Sookie and Alcide head to church and find that everyone’s blood is being taken and tested for Hep V. Also, come to find out, Sam is the new Mayor and Nicole is still pregnant and gorgeous. Sam invites everyone to a mixer, courtesy of Terry’s hefty life insurance policy. The point of the mixer is for each household to find a vampire that they’ll allow to drink their blood in exchange for their protection. Yeah, that didn’t go over so well with everyone. Sam warns them that if they don’t get protection, they’re in grave danger of being killed by the marauding band of Hep V infected vampires heading their way.

The turnout at the mixer is still fantastic, probably because the people of Bon Temps are always down for some free booze and food. We see James playing in the band, Tara and Willa hanging out, Lala, Arlene, Sookie and Alcide mingling with the townspeople. Lala and Arlene True Blood RadioactiveTara’s mom asks if she can talk to her alone, and Tara begrudgingly complies. Tara’s mom tells Tara to drink from her as an apology for the way she treated her in the past. The fact her mom is so intense about Tara feeding on her, along with the fact she’s a skeevy bitch, makes me think she’s Hep V positive and she knows it. We also see Bill offer to protect Sookie but she and Alcide aren’t down for that idea. The way Bill looks at Sookie… he will always love her. Always. Too bad Eric is her epic love. Listen, I want Alcide and Sook to have their time to shine but Eric has to be the one in the end. It just has to happen. If his man-meat ever heals, that is. We also see Jessica go to Andy’s house to offer him and Adalyn, protection, no blood drinking required in return. She is so desperate for his forgiveness but he’s not having any of it. He puts a gun in her face but even though he doesn’t pull the trigger, he basically tells her to stay the f*ck out. Jessica stands outside the house on watch anyway.

I don’t know how he could ever find it in his heart to forgive her for killing three of his daughters (even though he only knew them for about a week), but I hope he does.

Vamps HepV True Blood RadioactiveParty Crashers: The last scene we see is a bunch of f*cked up looking vampires making their way toward the mixer. At first we just see a few, but as the camera pans out there are dozens, possibly hundreds. The Hep V vampires are acting like zombies (zompires!) and their veins are all black and protruding like Nora’s were, and they are apparently too lazy to wipe their mouths after feeding. Why are they not dying like Nora did? Is it because she had so much injected straight into her? Is this a different strain? Basically, normal vampires need to fear catching it and humans need to fear being drained dry by the zompires. There were so many, I’m not sure how the vampires of Bon Temps and the humans can defeat them! I think we’ll start out season seven by seeing about 50% of the townspeople at the mixer getting straight massacred by these zompires. Eek!

This season was way too short! If we could please get 23 episodes a season, that would be fang-tastic. I simply cannot get enough Bon Temps drama in 10 short episodes. This season got a lot of criticism but I think it was the best since season 2. They finally brought the character’s story lines together instead of having 10 disjointed plots that barely caught enough steam to entertain us in an hour’s time. I cannot wait to see Pam save Eric (seriously, he can’t be dead), more Sookie and Alcide and what’s going to happen when a shit ton of zompires invade Bon Temps looking for clean blood. How are we going to wait until next season?! Leave your thoughts, comments and predictions. Until next season… #FangsOut



True Blood Recap 6×09 – “Life Matters”

This episode is too.much. I mean, seriously. #WTF. Pam cries, Sarah DOESN’T die, and Eric is yet again on another selfish solo mission. Why can’t we go back to the old days with weekends at Fangtasia and a Sunday night casserole special at Merlotte’s? Let’s get down to the dirty deets.

Sookie: Dear Lord, woman. You are just numb to it all, aren’t you? Sookie spends the first seconds of the episode cussing Billith out, because he tried to take a near-death Warlow to the Vampire Prison. (Eric had conveniently drained Warlow so he could walk in the daylight to save the vamps at Camp Sarah’s-F*cking-Crazy.) Warlow tells Sookie to use her light to beam Billith out of fae-land, and it works. Billith pouts and stomps off, and Sookie shrugs off her efforts and offers up her arm to rejuvenate Warlow. #AintNoThang #NoBigs

Sookie then proceeds to spend the rest of the episode at Terry’s funeral, where she reads Arlene’s mind and sees that she is finally getting some closure with Terry’s death, and she gives a nice little speech about how Terry loved her from the moment he saw her. Adorbs. Can Sook become a vampire fairy bride now?

Eric: What. A. F*cking. Badass. Seriously, if you weren’t team Eric, you definitely are now. Eric tells Billith to shove his prophecy up his ass, and decides to take matters into his own hands. Since he drank some of Warlow, then drank some of Adeline, he could walk in the daylight. He heads over to the Vampire Death Camp and kills all the guards outside. Then, he heads into the room where that asshole doctor was (the one with the glasses that put the Hep-V in Nora. I will not even honor him by remembering his name). Eric just walks right up to him and….are you ready for this?…RIPS HIS DOWNSTAIRS TREASURE OFF. Yep, you heard me right. He grabbed him by the manhood and mic-dropped that shit across the room.

Eric then let’s all of the vampire prisoners out, where they start to wreak havoc on all the humans in the vampire camp. #AsTheyShould. Eric finds that nasty ass psychologist dude who had all those solo sessions with Pam and tells him to say where Pam is. The doctor tells Eric to go eff himself, and that he stooped Pam. Um, say what? Eric looks like someone just lit a match in his bonghole, and rips the contacts out of his eyes that prevent him from being glamoured. He finds out that Pam made a deal with this asshole. She had sex with him in exchange to be taken out of solitary and put back in Gen Pop. Eric decides that he’ll let Pam have the pleasure of killing him, but first he has to show him to the room where she is being held. On the way to find Pam and crew, Eric hears a familiar scream…it’s Ginger, the meth head we all know and love. Eric decides to save her and take her along. Hey, she’s been loyal to him since season 1. Eric then finds Pam in the room with the rest of the main cast (and that Violet bitch, as well as the hot James guy), but they are far from “meeting the sun”…



Bill: You just HAVE to be the hero, don’t you, Bill? Since Bill got beamed out of fae-land by Sookie, he decides to head to Vamp Camp and offer his own blood up to the vampires in the room where they’ll meet the sun. Eric catches him lying in the middle of the room, with all the vampires feeding off of him and receiving what looks like a marvelous trip to rainbow land (aka they’re high as hell). Once the vampires get their fill, they leave Bill lying there half dead, and dance around in the daylight.


Once the vampers leave the room, Billith lays there seeing visions of Lillith’s naked-blood covered minions. I really can’t wait for the day where we don’t have to see those bitches anymore. Anyways, Bill starts hallucinating and then he “calls” Jessica to come find him. Jessica snaps out of her fae-blood induced high and runs over to him with her new hippie boyfriend, James. Man, he’d be a lot hotter if his fang wasn’t chipped….moving on. So Jessica is freaking out because Bill is hallucinating, and James is like, “don’t worry I’ll feed him my blood to give him his fairy blood back to heal him.” Jessica looks at him and is like, “looks AND brains?!” #swoon

Bill ends up OK and joins the gang outside, where are the fae-‘d up vamps are smashing the boxes of TruBlood laced with Hep-V. All is well in the world…

BUT WAIT! One shipment of Hep-V made its way to Hawaii and a bunch of vampires took it over and stole the TruBlood! Shit. Well, none of the season regulars are there so I really don’t give a shit. #sucksforthemthough. PS-why would you live in Hawaii if you’re a vamp? Go lurk somewhere dark and broody like New York or Seattle. Living in a sunshine paradise is just like giving yourself a big c*nt punt everyday. Speaking of c*nt punts…

Sarah: I seriously, seriously hate this woman. Not only did she murder that chick last week, she was hell-bent on killing all the vampires that wouldn’t drink the TruBlood laced with Hep-V. She proceeds to head up to the top of the camp facility and open up the roof of the room where vampires meet the sun. We all know how THAT turned out. As she prepares to see a group of vampires burn up in flames, she instead sees them glistening in the sun from feeding off of Bill. Just when she thinks her plan turns to shit, it gets worse. She witnesses her ex-husband Steve Newlin get burned in the sun, compliments of Mr. Eric Northman. Apparently, none of the vampires wanted to share Bill’s blood with him. As much as Sarah hated Steve, it hurt her to see him die. You know what’s worse? His last words:


That was a hilarious and wonderful way for him to go. I’ll miss him, though. #RIP. Sarah then has a run-in with JStacks, and he puts a gun to her neck. As much as that bitch deserved to die, we all know Jason couldn’t kill her. He lets her go, and I can’t wait for her to return so someone can cap her ass.



Jason: Poor JStacks got put through the ringer this episode. Not only was he being used and mentally abused by Violet, when she got taken to the room to meet the sun for not drinking the TruBlood, all the other vamp girls in Gen Pop started feeding on him. Eric finds him shirtless and nearly dead in the cell, and decides to offer him his blood in return for his assistance finding the room where Pam and crew were being held. So, at least Jason is on a nice 1,000-year-old Viking high. That high was short-lived, however, because of Steve Newlin’s professing his love to JStack’s as his dying last words. #buzzkill. Jason then realizes Sarah is still alive, and runs out to go find her, where we see him spare her life. Jason Stackhouse, you may be dumber than a turd melting on black asphalt on a hot summer day, but you have a heart of gold. I would have bitch slapped that hooker all the way to Herveaux County.

Pam: Oh sweet, sassy, dear Pam. Pam keeps her cool the entire time she’s at the vamp camp, and even offers up her Northman-bred vagina to that disgusting psychiatrist. She gets put back in Gen Pop, and refuses to drink the rest of the TruBlood with the rest of the crew since they know it’s laced with Hep-V. She gets put in the room to meet the sun, along with everyone else refusing to drink it. Then, of course, Billith comes to save the day. All looks like it might be turning for the best, as she feeds on the oldest vampire blood laced with fairy juice, kills the psychiatrist, and reunites with her maker (who rescued her)… and then she sees him fly off and leave her again. I could barely look at her face as the words left her mouth, “don’t leave me again.”


If we don’t get some quality Peric time soon, I’m going to lose it. He even released her as his maker and she loves him more than herself, or dare I say it-her prodigy, Tara. Come on, writers! Show us the love!

We also saw a nice send off for Terry. Poor Terry was pretty miserable, but it was nice to see all the stories everyone had to say about him. It brought the whole cast together again, and seeing those flashbacks gave us some good memories of the way things used to be in Bon Temps. Now shit is just f*cked up.

What do you guys think will happen in next week’s episode? I, for one, want Sarah Newlin to get what she deserves, Pam and Eric to PERMANENTLY reunite, and for Sookie to give Warlow the bird and spend eternity with Eric. What do you guys think? Leave your thoughts below! #FangsOut



True Blood Recap – 6×08 “Dead Meat”



Well, hell, fae and damnation. That was one heck of a True Blood episode. Can I get something off my chest real quick? Apparently, there’s something in the water because people are falling in love with each other left and right. These jokers only need like two days to form a serious bond with each other (Jessica and James, Sookie and Warlow, Sam and Nicole). It’s kind of unbelievable. I mean, it takes me at least four date nights at Buffalo Wild Wings for me to even consider a relationship with someone new. Anyway, in this episode Sarah Newlin was more bat shit cray than we thought, Jason became some crazy chick’s bitch again (remember the were-panther hoopla?), and Sookie makes the most important decision of her (human) life. Let’s get down to the dirty deets.

Sookie: This poor girl. She just can’t catch a break. All her boyfriends want her for something…other than HER. Bill wanted her because of her fairy blood, and initially because of a hidden agenda. Who knows if he ever really loved her. And then there’s Warlow…that asshole is just bored. “I’ve been waiting for you for 6,000 years!” Joker, no you haven’t. You have been waiting for SOMEONE to keep your shit in line and to play scrabble with for all eternity. How about Eric, though? Eric has always loved Sookie because she is who she is, and she doesn’t take shit from anyone. Eric is one badass mother f*cker, and that’s never phased her. Anyways, poor Sook, being the selfless person she is, has decided to be Warlow’s eternal vampire-fairy bride if he saves her friends. Really, Warlow? If you REALLY loved Sookie, you would help her save her friends just because it’s the right thing to do. Ultimatum-ing someone into loving you never ends well. #trust. Whenever y’all get in a fight, she’s going to throw that shit in your face. Any who, Sook decides to make herself an immortal fae vampire-goddess, and Bill doesn’t seem to give a f*ck. Way to go, Bill. I really hope the writer’s intent is to never rekindle that romance, because at this point it’s completely unrealistic for them to get back together. Sookie is way too fierce to go back to Bill at this point. I mean, she’s sacrificing herself to spend an eternity with creepy Warlow just to save her friends. And for the record, I don’t mean that Warlow is creepy in a scary way, I mean the dude’s a legit creep. What kind of guy waits around for 6,000 years for a girl he doesn’t know? You’re a FAIRY VAMPIRE. Get #bizzy with your half-light/half-dark self. Shit. When Sookie and Bill go to get Warlow so Bill can use his blood to save the vampires in the camp from meeting the sun, they find him injured and drained. He’s not dead, but he’s in bad shape. Bill automatically knows it was an out of control Eric who did it.

Eric: Eric is on a path of vengeful destruction. And you know what? I don’t blame the guy. His sister just died a horrific, painful (and disgusting) death. Sure, she was annoying as hell, but I was willing to put my peeves aside for the sake of Eric. Now he’s lost his maker (who Bill mocked) AND his sister, and in both instances there has been nothing he could have done to stop it. Would Warlow’s blood really have saved Nora? My guess is no, but the guy is going to beat himself up till next Tuesday over that. The levitation/fight scene between him and Bill? Hilarious. Bill (who’s about done with Eric’s attitude) suspends Eric in the air and Eric is just spitting insults in a blind rage, mocking him and telling him he is no god.

Bill is straight up un-killable, and Eric still doesn’t give a flying f*ck (pun intended). He cares about one thing and one thing only right now: nothing. He is so effing pissed, that he is just going to do whatever the hell wants in the name of revenge, and not even an almighty immortal vampire can get in his way. For instance, breaking up the creepy underage make out scene with Holly’s son and Adeline Braeline Chartreuse Paisley Danica Mercedes Star McWhatTheFuckEver. Side note: Is the “Charlene” in her name a nod to the author of the True Blood books? Just caught that. So, Eric glamours the boys to get lost and feeds on Adeline, then lets her run away and into her dad’s arm, blood still running down her neck. Poor girl. I have a feeling Andy’s not going to let it slide this time. Vampires have done him wrong too many times.

The Camp-Vamps & Jason: Jason’s having a really rough time in the camp right now. That random bitch, Violet, has staked her claim on him. She told him she’s going to feed on him when she wants for the rest of his life. So basically, she wants him to be her personal Lunchable until the end of time. Ummm… talk about a long-term commitment. Jason’s freaked (naturally) but there isn’t much anyone can do about it. She even tells him that she’s not going to force him to have sex with her, but that he’s going to want to and then she’s not going to let him. She’s really f*cking dramatic when making this point, taking the whole “hard to get” game a little too far. As for the other vampires, Jessica and James truly like each other and James can’t help but tell Steve Newlin about the infected Hep-V. This is a colossal mistake because Sarah tortures Newlin in a giant hamster wheel until he tells her James was the one that told her. It doesn’t take long for Newlin to spill the beans because he’s the most pathetic, least athletic vampire on the face of the planet. It’s kind of hilarious though.

Him and James get thrown into the room-o-death. They’re later joined by Violet, Pam, Tara, Jessica and Willa because they refused the Tru Blood. Bill’s vision is about to come true. Good thing Eric is about to show up, high on fairy blood and f*ck some shit up. You know he’s not going to let Pam get killed and he sure as hell isn’t going to let Sarah get away with these shenanigans. Speaking of that bible-thumping lunatic…

Sarah True BloodSarah: Can someone call that oozy psychiatrist Pam just bopped because homegirl has some mental issues and should probably be heavily medicated. She changed out of her fuchsia power-suit into a boss white one. She’s trying so hard to be the head honcho at the camp. I actually think she might be glad Burrell is dead. I wouldn’t put it past her. It’s not like she’s grieving. She hasn’t even skipped a beat. Sarah takes charge when Ms. Suzuki from the Tru Blood company shows up and starts asking where Burrell is. Suzuki ends up seeing the Hep-V, getting pissed and knee checking Sarah right in the hot pocket. Ouch! That has to hurt.

After a failed attempt at breaking Suzuki’s neck, Sarah chases her through the halls of the camp until she finally catches up with her in the grated walkway above Male Gen Pop. Sarah beats the shit out of her face against the grate and blood drips down into Gen Pop, sending the vamps into a feeding frenzy (Shark Week style). One vamp even jumps up and bites Suzuki in the face through the grates. Sarah proceeds to take Suzuki’s shoe and stab her in the skull with hit. While the cat fight was comedic, it was more gruesome and disturbing than anything. Sarah starts crying and just when you think, “Aw! She feels bad about it,” she says, “Thank you Jesus.” This broad is so beyond f*cked up. The good thing is, I don’t think she’s smart enough to one-up Bill or Eric. Better watch your back, bitch.

Alcide: Thank BILLITH ,his douchey wolfpack shit is over with. Y’all know I love me some Alcide, (I’ll become a vampire just to stare at those abs for all eternity), but he has driven me nuts this season. Not only was he a huge asshole, but he was a tool-box and a half. He picked a fight with everyone and their mother (or, grandmother if you want to get super literal), and didn’t even need to. That dumb bitch Rikki doesn’t help, either. Now you know TeamTSD isn’t an advocate for men fighting women, but in Rikki’s case…I mean that girl picked a fight by challenging Alcide and got what she asked for. What woman smacks around a little girl anyways? Forcing her to shift? Alcide finally stood up to his pack, saved Nicole and her mom and left Shreveport for good. Then he hit up his old pal Sam…

Sam: When Sam was packing up Terry’s things in a box at Merlotte’s, he saw a picture of Arlene and the baby. So tragic. Alcide comes to tell Sam that he brought Nicole and her mom back safe and sound and they share a beer. Sam also took a sniff of Nicole’s wild locks and realized that she was pregnant. Wow… didn’t they have sex just yesterday? Two days ago, max. It’s not even possible for conception to occur in the short of time. Just sayin’. Regardless, Sam didn’t wrap the goods and now a mini shifter’s on the way. He even asks Nicole to stay with him and says he loves her. What the bloody hell, y’all? Did he really move on that fast? Sookie shows up and asks to talk to Sam. They go into the office, share a super awkward and lingering hug and then Sookie shows him her light ball. “Da f*ck is that?” says Sam. She explains what it is and tells him that she always thought they would end up together. Where the hell did that even come from? Is this just Sookie trying to find any reason at all not to become a fairy princess? I honestly don’t know what the French toast she’s complaining about. Be a waitress at Bon Temps constantly at risk of being killed or be a fairy princess? Anyway, Sam tells Sook she has horrible timing and tells her Nicole is pregnant. Shit gets really awkward and Sookie leaves.

And then there was Arlene…: I feel so bad for Arlene. Her story is 100% disconnected from the main plot and she has to deal with Terry’s hoity-toity family taking over the funeral arrangements. Lafayette tells Arlene about the life insurance policy he took out just four days ago (millions!) and she knows he had planned it all on purpose. Here’s a side note: If someone took out a life insurance policy worth millions less than a week before they died, there would be a giant investigation. No insurance company’s letting go of that much cash under such suspicious circumstances. Then, when Arlene’s at the funeral home with Terry, Holly, Portia and Caroline, the Bellefleur ladies totally monopolize the preparations. They want a proper Marine burial service, complete with 21 armed soldiers. Arlene thinks the idea is f*cking stupid since Terry was SHOT and he hated the Marines and was haunted by his experiences (literally). Terry and Holly comfort Arlene and tell her that despite what she’s feeling right now, she has to accept the life insurance policy because it’s what Terry wanted. So, what’s next for Arlene and how will they draw her into the main storyline?


This episode left me with a lot of questions and with just two episode left, I don’t know how they’re going to wrap everything up. Will Bill remain possessed by Lillith? Will Sookie really become Warlow’s fairy princess? Will Jason make it out of the camp alive? Will Nicole stay with Sam and will they be safe from the Shreveport pack? Will Eric get revenge for Nora’s death? Will Sarah Newlin successfully put Tru Blood on store shelves? I need to know! Next week, we’ll see Eric rage out at the camp, the citizens of Bon Temps attend Terry’s funeral and we see naked, bloody Lillith again. Sound of with your thoughts and predictions for the rest of the season. Until next time… #FangsOut



True Blood Recap – 6×07 “In The Evening”

True Blood 6x07

This episode was straight depressing… except for all the scenes Lafayette was in because he’s positively fabulous and hilarious. We saw Eric in one of his most vulnerable moments ever, said goodbye to yet another character, watched Jessica get it on with a snaggletooth fanger and saw Sookie’s cookies, again. Let’s get on down to the dirty deets.

Bill True Blood 6x07Bill: So Bill decided to play diplomat this episode, but we still saw glimpses of the “old and good,” Bill Compton. He does the respectable thing, and goes to Andy’s house to pay his respects to Arlene. He shows up at Andy’s in the middle of Terry’s wake…in the daytime. At this point, no one but the dead guards and the decapitated governor know that Bill can walk around during the day. It was actually pretty hilarious when Bill showed up. Lala, Andy, his fairy daughter with like twenty names, Sookie, and Arlene (who was drunk as shit), all were standing in the living room when Bill walks in.


Yup. “Vampire Bill” is daywalkin’, motherf*ckers. Billith strolls in like he’s shitting fairy dust, and does the classy thing and gives his condolences to Arlene, and then he makes a peaceful truce with Andy. In more words than none, he told Andy he won’t kill his daughter if he stays away from Jessica. This would be a pretty fair trade off if Jessica didn’t already kill three of his daughters…but hey, whatever keeps the peace. Bill then approaches Sookie and tells her how he needs her to bring him Warlow, otherwise all her friends will die. Great, another ultimatum for Sookie to do whatever Bill wants. Fangf*ckingtastic. Sookie agrees, and Billith runs back to his mansion where he runs into Eric with a dying Nora in his arms (we’ll get to that in a minute). Billith, though, basically tells Eric that he’ll only try to save her if he agrees to head back to the vampire concentration camp. Eric, of course, is like f*ck you but I’ll do anything for Nora, and Bill proceeds to explain how he can see the future and that the entire main cast will meet the sun if they don’t do something about it. Eric knows they all just signed for a seventh season, so he agrees to help. OK, that’s irrelevant right now, but Eric does agree to do whatever Bill wants in order to try and save Nora. #butseriously #7seasonsherewecome

Sarah Newlin True Blood 6x07Sarah Newlin: Sarah McSkanklin goes to find her lover, Governor Burrell and sees all his guards dead on the ground. Then she spies his slain cabeza chilling in the moonlight. She kisses him (f*cking really?) and gives a speech about the evil of vampires and the goodness of God. She’s pretty upset… for about a second. Then, she comes up with the brilliant idea to pretend like Truman isn’t dead and run the the vamp camp herself. You know that bitch was just waiting for Truman to get whacked so she could take charge. Don’t believe me? Did you see her magenta power suit? She didn’t have that suit in preparation for being a stay at home mommy to baby Burell and hosting Sunday brunch for all the church wives. Nope. She has that suit because she’s ready to run shit, y’all. I think Willa is in major trouble now that the Governor is gone. Also, she tells Jason he has no leverage over her now that Burrell’s dead and throws him into Gen Pop, bleeding. What a snatch! She’s the new big bad (she’s going to try to mass produce Hep-V infested Tru Blood) which means she has to die.

Jason and Jessica True Blood 6x07Jessica & J-Stacks: Jason finally gets Jess alone in one of the camp conference rooms, and she’s excited to see him. When he tells her he’s here to save her she responds…well, she responds like she’s giving up. She tells him to live his life without her and all this shit and it sounds like she’s saying a goodbye. I’m terrified they’re building Jess up to die this season, and I am not emotionally prepared for that. Although, right now, I’m less than thrilled with her. She asks Jason to get James, the vampire who refused to have sex with her last episode, so she can thank him and Jason does as she asks. He gives them alone time which is a mistake because they have this lovely little chat and then Jess proclaims that all she wants right now is to BOP HIM! Why, Jess? Jason just risked his damn life to come save you and you were in love with him like, two days ago. Oh, AND she told James about the infected Tru Blood. Jess and James get it on while Jason’s getting thrown into Gen Pop. Tara steps up and tries to protect Jason from all the blood-thirsty ladies and that one Violet broad says, “he’s mine.”

He is not yours. Who died and made you queen V anyway? It looks like next week we learn that Violet is bad news.

Pam True Blood 6x07Pam: I was loving me some Pam last night. She had the sass turned up to the max, and she used what she knows best to get what she wants: sex. Madame Pamela was doing the downward dog when her little sis Willa barged in, per Eric’s demand as he escaped the camp with a dying Nora, and gave her the skinny about how the jokers running the vampire concentration camp put Hep-V in the Tru Blood. Oh, don’t know what that is? Just ask Nora who looks worse than a zombie extra on The Walking Dead. Pam decides to put her frustrations with Eric making another vamp-baby aside and instructs Willa to alert Tara and Jessica only about the Hep-V and to keep it a secret from the rest of the imprisoned vampires. That way, they can secretly slip out without causing an uproar. Pam goes into her therapy session and seduces the (#creepy) therapist with her sex drive. Way to take one for the team, Madame Pamela.

While they do the nasty and Pam plots her plan for escape, her maker was #bizzy saying his goodbyes to his loving sister…

Eric and Nora True Blood 6x07Eric/Nora: Oh, sweet Billith. Why does Eric have to suffer? He just keeps taking care of everyone: human, vampire, fairy and the like, and he loses those dearest to him. First, his tribal-tatted maker, Godric, and now his class- ass, philanthropic ex-bible-thumpin’ sister, Nora. Poor Nora was given Hep-V by those assholes at the camp, and it slowly (like, I’m talking molasses on molasses on MOLASSES slowly) killed her. Eric did everything he could to try and save her. He even begged Bill to give him his Lillith-infested blood, and Mr. Northman don’t beg to nobody. #BelieveThat. PS, Bill’s blood didn’t work. I will say though, while Nora bugged the shit out of me at times, I truly felt bad for her. We even got an amazing flashback (you know how much we love those), of how Eric and Nora met. Sweet, human Nora was a philanthropic aristocrat back in the late 1600s, and some rich Prince dude was obsessed with her, for obvious reasons that Eric later came to discover.

The rich royal guy sent Eric (who apparently did his biddings for a hot minute back in the day) to go grab her from the heart of the Bubonic Plague in London. She had caught the bug and was on her death bed. Eric saw something in her that intrigued him. She was honest and stubborn, and she didn’t change her morals, even in the face of death. Sound familiar? #VikingShit. Eric brought her to Godric and had him “make” (#pun) her into a vamper. She rocked it out for a solid 300+ years, and she was thankful for it in the end. It was f*cking poetic how she left this world the same way she entered…on her death bed. However, she was a pile of ooey-gooey nasty shit by the time Hep-V got the best of her. RIP, girl. As for Eric, he ended the episode with revenge in his eyes, and it looks like Billith is on his side. Vamper haters beware, you got two big bads coming for your asses with their #FangsFuckinOut.

Sookie and Arlene True Blood 6x07Sook/Arlene/Lala: After Sookie got her fairy fix for the day, we see her laying in the fae world with Warlow. Warlow talks about how they, “consummated” their relationship, and Sook laughs in his face. Warlow, in all your years, did you ever think to go through college? Did you ever have a slutty stage? The fact that you signed a contract and kept your junk in your pants until it was fulfilled is noble and all…but please. It’s 2013, and Sook’s a fierce women. She’s had a rough couple of days, and she just wanted to get busy with a fairy vampire. #IAintMad. In the midst of Sookie bringing Warlow up to speed on how the present day works, she hears Arlene crying back in reality-land. Sookie tells Warlow she has to go tend to her friend, and Sookie finds Arlene crying in the cemetery. Sookie is a great friend and consoles her all day…and gets her hammered. While Arlene finds solace in a bottle of blackberry Smirnoff, Sookie and Lala check out the safe deposit box that Terry left. What they find is that Terry left Arlene a fat life insurance policy that had only been issued days prior, indicating that he knew this was going to happen. I’m not even sure if Sook and Lala should even tell her at this point. It might throw her off the edge. Can we just talk about how amazing Lala is? His power purple was fierce as hell in this episode, and I love how nothing phases him. Oh, Bill can walk in the daylight? Just another day in Bon Temps, bitches. Lala heads the kitchen and fixes himself something to drink. Amen, hookah.

Sam True Blood 6x07Sam/Alcide: Sam and Alcide are having a rough season. Sam thinks he’s on the way out of the hell hole that is Bon Temps, leaving his bar and life behind, but he gets word from Lala that Terry is dead. Sam does the noble thing and tells Nicole she needs to call her mom and go home, while he heads to Bon Temps to pay his respects. #PureF*ckingMan. Nicole agrees, but not before a goodbye shower-romp. #classy. Nicole’s mom picks her up at the motel, and clearly knows that something naughty is going on, but let’s her daughter off the hook.

source: tumblr-bowlegschester

Nicole says goodbye to Sam, and we think she’s all good and well and BLAMO! She pops up as a prisoner of Alcide’s pack. Only, Alcide isn’t the one being the dick this time. Rikki asks Alcide when he returns, infront of the whole pack, what happened to Nicole and Sam. Alcide lies and says he took care of them and that they are dead. To his surprise, skank-were Rikki brings out Nicole and her mother, and it looks like the pack is going to kill them and Alcide! I know Alcide has been Jersey-Shore-douchebag this season, but he doesn’t deserve to die! Maybe if he takes his shirt off, his abs of Olympus will make the pack forget his lies and all will be well. #TeamAlcideTakeYourShirtOff

Well guys, what did you think? Is Sookie going to become a fairy-vamp and live with Warlow for all eternity, or will she bring him to Billith to save her friends? Will Alcide suffer the fate of being a tool the first half of the season? Will Lala get more screen time? And will Eric keep his cool or use his rage as vengeance for Nora’s death? UGH! So many questions, and we have to wait until next week to get some answers. Leave your thoughts below. #FangsOut



True Blood Recap – 6×06 “Don’t You Feel Me”

What in faerie lovin’, infiltratin’, decapitatin’, tarnation is going on?! This season is jumbling all my emotions up and smacking me in the face every single Sunday night. This week, we lost two big characters, discovered Burrell & Co.’s master vamp-extinction plan, watched Bill do something we’ve all been waiting for since the beginning of the season and saw Sookie get down right nasty with a tied up Warlow in fae-land. Let’s get down to the dirty deets.

Sookie True BloodSookie & Warlow (#Wookie): Okay, before we get to the good stuff (or weird stuff), let’s go back to the beginning of the episode where Bill sends Warlow to stop Lafayette from drowning Sookie. Warlow light blasts LaLa just enough to kick out Daddy Stackhouse so Sookie can tell him to f*ck off and stay out of her life for good. Poof! Daddy Stacks disappears. For good, though? Who knows. Bill starts “calling” Warlow back to him and he starts vomiting blood, a-la Jessica in the season premier. Cheese and rice, Billith! Could you please be a little more gentle about it? Sookie has an idea and zaps him into the hidden fae forest and out of reach from Bill’s mind control. Nice move… except now Warlow has to be tied up so he doesn’t eat Sookie. He hasn’t fed and according to him, he can’t control himself at night. Really mother f*cker? You’ve been alive for over 5,000 years and you still can’t manage to control yourself, even when you were in dark-fae-hell for a hot minute? Warlow tells Sookie that he’s sorry she had to find out about her parents and never wanted that to happen. He says that they could be happy and run away together and it would all be over if she became his fae-vamp princess. Hmm… be a princess, hang out with a sexy guy, be eternally hot and do whatever the French you want forever OR be a waitress at Merlotte’s for the next 50-some years constantly worrying about whose coming after you next and get old and wrinkly and die. Botox is expensive, Sookie! Choose eternal life. Then, Sookie basically calls herself a slut, has Warlow feed off of her, feeds off him and then takes all her clothes off. THEN, Wookie made nookie with blood still on her damn mouth and with light beams shooting from their nether regions.

credit: tumblr

Umm… what? Why? How the f*ck did that just happen? I’m going to need predictions from you all about what the hell Sookie is doing and whether or not Warlow can be trusted?

Eric True BloodEric & The Camp Vamps: Sarah’s plan to show Burrell a bloody battle between Eric and Pam backfired. Pam acts pissed that he made another vampire (maybe she really was) and they start floating in the air. They charge, but not at each other. They kill some guards and Eric even spears one against the one-way glass, leaving a bloody hole where we see Steve Newlin trembling like a little baby on the other side. Yeah, that’s right. Eric is terrifying! Don’t mess with him. Burrell decides to prove his power over Eric by locking him up in a metal cage, bringing Nora in and infecting her with Hep V (which kills vampires). Burrell makes a statement that Nora is their first live test. Hmm… Meanwhile, Willa tells her dad to put her in with the other vampires and to stop treating her differently. Burrell is still hell-bent on trying to save her from her current state of death. Why would anyone want to be a human and not a vampire? That’s just stupid. She gets put in with the other vampires as she asks, ends up saving Nora and Eric and the three (in disguise) start trying to find their way out of the camp. Eric stumbles upon a part of the camp producing and bottling Tru Blood and notices that something “extra” is being added to it. Hep V! F*cking balls! Burrell is planning on killing off vampires by infecting every bottle of Tru Blood with the deadly virus. Well, it looks like Eric is going to make it his mission to keep this from happening. If there’s one person in the world I’d trust with my life, it’s Eric Northman, so I’m sure he’ll find a way to save the vampire race (probably along side of Bill).

BBill True Bloodill: Let’s be honest. We’ve all been hating on Bill this season, but he just completely redeemed himself. Bill realizes that Jessica has been taken to the camp and he starts freaking out. The fact that he loves her so deeply (he didn’t even get pissed when she killed those faeries) is adorable. Even though he’s in Billith mode right now, the old Bill is still in there. He asks (more like forces) Takahashi into draining him almost dry to put him into a trance so he can communicate with Lillith, and then put his blood back in the next day. Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. When he does meet Lillith in his comatose state, she gets shitty with him for losing Warlow (the vampire race’s savior) and tells him that everything is up to him now and to stop coming to her for answers. What a biznatch. When Bill awakens, he drinks the fae blood that Takahashi was working on synthesizing, locks him up and off he goes into the sunlight. He surprises Governor Burrell and his guards outside the camp. That’s right, bitches! Billith can walk in the sun and he can’t be killed by your wooden bullets. After he uses his telekinesis mojo to make the guards kill each other, he confronts Burrell and asks for Jessica. Let’s just say things don’t go so well for Burrell. In fact, Bill BEHEADS him. That’s right. Removes his whole f*cking head in one fail swoop. GO BILL!

I did not expect that. I thought Burrell was going to be our “big bad” for the entire season. This was Bill’s redeeming moment, but now that he’s used all the faerie blood, he’s going to have to get more from Warlow or Adalind Braelin Charlene Danica (that name white trash enough for you?). Let’s hope he teams up with Eric and the others to destroy the infected Tru Blood and Sarah for that matter.

Jason True BloodJason: What a man! Jason tries to infiltrate the LAVT by telling the recruiting officer about all the f*cking fangers he’s killed and impressing him with his extensive vampire knowledge. BLAMMO! He’s in. He’s taken straight to the camp to start as a guard when in walks Sarah. She’s obviously shocked to see him and when she gets him alone, he threatens her by saying, “you stop me from saving Jess, I’ll tell everyone you’re a dirty skank.” I don’t know how much that’s going to matter now that Burrell is dead, but we’ll see. Sarah isn’t letting him off the hook easily, though. She brings him into the observation room where they throw Jessica in a room with some random vampire named James and tell them to have sex with each other… all in the name of science of course. I could have jumped through my TV screen and killed Sarah myself. Sweet Jesus, she’s meaner than a junkyard dog. Why is she such an awful person? Jason is forced to act like it doesn’t bother him to watch a frightened Jessica being told she has to have sex with James while people watch. This is just 50 shades of f*cked up. Luckily, James is a real gentlemen and says he won’t do it because Jessica is a good person who doesn’t deserve this. Even when being blasted by UV rays, James stays strong. How swoon-worthy.

Sam True BloodSam & Alcide: Abs-ide goes to visit his dad at the motel and finds that he’s bopping resident were-whore, Jenny. Classy. He tells Alcide that he recently saw Sam, Nicole and Emma. When Alcide goes to the hotel room to find them, they’re already gone. Nicole has a moment with Sam where she asks him if what he’s doing is really for Emma and if he truly thinks the right thing to do is keep her from her grandmother, Martha. Sam realizes that she should be with family and calls Martha to meet him. He says goodbye to Emma and sends her off with Martha, but not with her bag of Funyuns because Martha apparently thinks they are the devil. I feel you, Martha. Alcide catches up with Sam and Nicole and my heart started pounding because I wasn’t sure if Alcide was going to attack them or not. He hasn’t been the Alcide we know and love this season. He tells Sam and Nicole to run and get out of town and that if they show their faces in Bon Temps or Shreveport, he won’t stop his pack from killing them. I don’t know if that was nice of him or just straight shitty? If we were still in season 5, Alcide would be sticking up for Sam and helping to protect him. Too bad Alcide’s dad is watching the whole thing. I wonder if he’ll use this against Alcide to try to take over the pack. Judging by his lack of character, drinking/hooker addictions and general lack of class, I’m guessing he will.

Terry True BloodTerry & Arlene: Terry is preparing himself to die when he shows up at Lafayette’s house and asks him to take a key to his safe deposit box. Lala may have been high as a f*cking kite, but he still realizes that something is wrong with Terry. He alerts Arlene who instantly knows that he’s going to commit suicide because of the emotional baggage he’s carrying around from the war and killing Patrick. Her and Holly devise a plan to have a vampire glamour Terry into forgetting all the sad crap from his past. Brilliant! Except he’s already told his old army friend to kill him when he least expects it and now he doesn’t remember. At work the next day, Terry goes to take the trash out (whistling all care free and shit) when he gets shot and drops to the ground. Arlene runs out and holds him, rocking him as he dies and singing “hush little baby.” I can’t…

I did NOT see this coming. Well, not until after they had that cook make a point to say Terry is a good guy. Then I knew it was over. What the hell is Arlene going to do now? Where are they going to take her story and will she try to find out who shot him? R.I.P. Terry Bellefleur. We’ll miss you.

While we say goodbye to an old friend, it looks like we’ll be making new ones. As seen in the Mid-Season Trailer, vampire James will be making another appearance this season and getting frisky with Jessica. In the next episode we’ll see Sam return to Bon Temp’s against Alcide’s warning, Sarah take the reins at the camp and Eric ask Bill to heal Nora. Sound off with your thoughts and predictions. Until next time…



True Blood Recap – 6×05 “F*ck The Pain Away”

I don’t mean to toot my own horn but, remember how I totally called that Warlow saved Sookie from her parents killing her in the “At Last” Recap? BLAMMO! I win.

Every week I say the episodes are just getting better and better, but it’s true. Which is why it’s no surprise that True Blood has already been renewed for a 7th season. In this episode, we follow our favorite vamps into the camp, watch Sookie and Lafayette try to contact Mama and Daddy Stackhouse and witness Andy struggle with what to do about his dead fearie children. Let’s get down to the dirt deets.

Sookie True Blood 6x05Sookie: First things first, y’all. Anna Paqiun has abs and she gave birth to twins less than a year ago. #werk. So, we start off with Sookie threatening to light-ball blast Warlow, but he drops some unexpected knowledge on her. He tells her that she doesn’t know the whole story and the night he killed her parents, it was only because they were actually trying to kill her. He also tells her that he loves her and they’re destined to be together. For some reason, he seems sincere, and I believe him and apparently so does Sookie. She goes to Lafayette and says he needs his help to uncover the truth about that night. I don’t know if this is such a good idea.

It’s also worth recalling that Lala calls her out for never actually working. Thank goodness someone other than me notices that. Armed with a slew of vintage candelabras and a fabulous silver head wrap, Lala starts to communicate with the other side. “Now listen up, dead folk!” It works a little too well, because Daddy-Stacks shows up, confesses to trying to kill Sookie and then possesses Lala. Son of a bitch! Lala always get dragged into everyone else’s mess. We learn that Warlow came to Sookie’s parents the night they died and said he wanted Sookie and would make her a princess and a vampire. They refused, and he said he’d come for her when she was of age. Sookie’s dad couldn’t imagine her being a vampire so he decided to end it now and just kill her. What a dick. Possessed-Lala puts her in his trunk, drives her to the river and starts drowning her. Sookie, your abs are somethin’ fierce honey child, but you need to start doing some upper body workouts because you should have been able to get away from possessed-Lala. How is she going to escape? Will she use her light? Will Lala snap out of it? Will someone show up and save her? I need to know!

Bill and Warlow True BloodBill: As if Bill’s power trip wasn’t bad enough, now he can summon and control the biggest, baddest vamper next to Lilith, Warlow. #awesome. Bill interrupts Sookie while she’s in the middle of fairy-light threatening Warlow and summons him to his lab, where he takes his blood. Warlow’s blood, I think, will allow vampires to walk in the daylight (since Warlow is half-fae). Here’s my dillema, though: the fae blood will still be outside of it’s host. Unless, when it’s mixed with vampire blood it changes the chemical balance? I don’t know. What I do know is I can do without Bill’s flashbacks/memories from Lilith. We see in this episode that Lilith approached Warlow back in 3500 BC while he was fetching some water in a skirt for his fae-people, and she (of course) was naked and proceeds to have sex with him and turn him into a vampire. Warlow transitions and returns to his village in 3496 BC, where he then kills everyone (a-la Niall’s story). The scene shows how Warlow spared Niall, and then surprisingly showed how Warlow hated himself for killing all the fae in the village. He goes back to a sleeping Lilith and uses his fairy light beam power to expose her to the sun and kills her. Let’s say this, Warlow is one tough mofo for killing his maker and holding on to what little goodness is left inside of him.

Jessica and Tara True BloodJessica and Tara: Oh, these two. Tara (along with Eric) lets herself be taken to the vampire camp in hopes of rescuing Pam who had been previously captured. We see some pretty effed up shit happen. First, Tara gets put in the woman-vampire wing and runs into a cracked out Jessica who is still high as a fracking kite from draining Andy’s daughters. She’s going on and on about how she might just deserve to die, and it was wrong what she did, and blah blah blah. Jessica was captured while (still freaking out) over at Jason’s. She headed to Jason’s after she tried to make out with Bill and missed being caught by Andy when he discovered his dead daughters. Jason also had another lady friend over, Sarah (aka Steve Newlin’s ex), who called in the vamp police to take her away to camp. Jessica and Tara find each other and quickly pair up. They run into some possible trouble with another power vamp who thinks they owe her a favor for stopping a group of vampires from stealing their daily blood dose. Bitch, Tara is a vampire from the Eric Northman bloodline, and Jessica is the prodigy of the risen vampire god, Lilith. #backupoffthis #checkyourself. Anyways, while this occurring…

Eric True BloodEric: Eric sacrifices himself in hopes of rescuing his number one prodigy (that’s right, I said it: NUMBER ONE). When he is brought into the prison, he is immediately studied with some messed up experiments. He gets put in a room with three other vampires and they’re doing some f*cking “last man standing” game where they are given weapons to use against each other. I’m guessing this was to test their reflexes or something. Right, like any of those jokers hold a flame to Eric mother-f*cking Northman.

Baddie Bey knows whats up. Anyways, Eric wins the death game, and then gets put in another interrogation room where he is expected to kill another vampire…PAM!!!

Pam True BloodPam: Pam sees a lot of the experiments at vampire prison as she’s brought in: sex tests, fang removal, and the most intriguing: therapy. I know Pam’s in prison, but I actually enjoyed these scenes. Pam is forced to see a psychiatrist while in the camp, and the weird old guy “counseling” her tells her that if she doesn’t comply, she’ll be shot. He also bribes her into sharing her “feelings” by saying he’ll give her a human to suck blood from if she answers his questions truthfully. She obliges, and some pretty lady named Sun let’s her drain her neck until Pam’s belly is full. The therapist dude proceeds to ask Pam if she is upset about being released from her maker. Pam quickly retorts and says she doesn’t give a f*ck about him. Uh huh…right…

source: Photobucket user library, drillerkillerrr

Pam then gets taken and put in a room where she is expected to fight her one true love and maker, Eric, to the death. Oh sweet Jesus. Let’s all be serious, though, ain’t nobody going to kill Eric or Pam. Right?

Andy and Holly True Blood 6x05Andy: This story line is seriously tragic. Andy arrives at Bill’s house (he literally yells out, “Vampire Bill”) to save his daughters but he’s too late. He finds them all dead on the floor in the house. He’s devastated… but WAIT! One is still breathing. Can we get a name for her yet? He takes her to the station where he finds some confiscated V in a closet. Mad props to Andy for being an ex V addict and being able to resist it when it’s just feet away. Giving her V works and she tells him it was Jessica that ate them. When he brings her home, Holly is there to comfort him and talk him down from marching over to Bill’s and killing them. What’s a dad to do? Of course he wants revenge and justice, but he’s helpless in this situation. Seeing Andy cry is like watching 15 crying kittens stuck in a tree. I have a feeling Andy’s not letting this one go.

Sarah: This dumb bitch is just trying to wife up the governor and have his baby. Well, bad timing, hooker. He is too #bizzy grieving his un-dead daughter. Personally, I would be rejoicing if my kin was made into an eternal badass by Eric Northman. Anyways, the governor shuts Sarah down saying she can’t replace Willa. Sarah then proceeds to head to Jason’s house where she seduces him into bed. I’m thinking she’s trying to get knocked up by anyone she can and pretend it’s the governor’s baby. Thoughts? After Sarah called the vamp police on Jessica, she heads back to the prison camp and brings Governor Burrell into a room where he can see Eric in another one of those damn interrogation chambers. Burrell talks to him and is PISSED about what he did. Eric’s shocked when he finds out that his plan backfired, and that Burrell put Willa in the prison. This is when Burrell and the other vamp-haters then put Pam in the same room with Eric to kill each other. WTF?! Dear Sarah…

Jason True BloodJason: Jason just can’t catch a break when it comes to women. As mentioned, Sarah shows up on his doorstep looking for a good time. Remember their romp at the fellowship? #awkward. She gives him some bullshit about wanting to save his soul, “I used to beat my self up something fierce when I thought about you.” Really? That’s the best you got? She follows up with, “I truly believe God wants me to f*ck you.” So… they do. Like I said, this bitch just wants to get knocked up and pretend it’s Burrell’s baby.


After the whole debacle when Jess shows up and gets called a demon whore and then taken to camp, Jason decides to go undercover with the vamper police. At least, I think he’s undercover. Jason still doesn’t know that he was glamoured after Warlow nearly killed his grandpa Niall, so maybe next week we will see him uncover that.

Alcide True Blood 6x05Alcide: He shows up at some sleazy bar and gets propositioned by a hooker. He turns her down and describes two people that he’s looking for, Sam and Nicole. She hasn’t seen them so he asks another werewolf in the bar who politely responds with a, “f*ck you.” Alcide’s dad is with him and asks if he’s looking for them because it’s right or because of his new main bitch, Rikki. Alcide takes major offense to that and knocks him down, telling him he’s the pack master and he better respect him. He takes the public disgrace even further by throwing money at him for a cab. Listen here, buddy. I’ve about had it with you. Sure, your dad is kind of a scum bag, but you would have never done this before you were pack master. You wouldn’t be hunting Sam down either. I want the old Alcide back! Later, we see that Alcide’s papa spots Nicole and Sam outside the motel. Oh, great. Let’s hope he doesn’t tell Alcide he saw them to get back in his good graces.

Other happenings in this episode were that it looks like Nicole might be regretting her romp with Sam the night before, and Terry is asking an old Marine buddy to kill him when he least expects it because he can’t deal with the guilt of killing Patrick. Get over it already, both of you!

Next week, Pam finds out Eric made another vampire and she’s not happy, Governor Burrell holds onto hope that he can fix Willa, Bill realizes that Jessica and the others are in the camp and Eric looks at Newlin through a bloody peephole (whose blood is it?). Until next time… #FangsOut



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True Blood Recap – 6×04 “At Last”

True Blood At Last

Holy f*cking macaroons! Team True Blood is taking season 5 to a whole new level. I first want to point out the fact that I totally called Ben being Warlow. BAM! In your face. Anyway, this episode was packed full of surprises. Willa tells Eric she’ll do anything to help him, Jessica makes some faerie friends and Sookie dons her best poker face. Let’s get down to the dirty deets.

Sookie True BloodSookie: When Jason, Niall and Ben leave her house, she finds a drop of blood on the floor. Da fucque? She swipes it up with her finger (how unsanitary is that?) and realizes it’s vamp blood and that it must belong to Ben and that he must have healed Jason. Nice deductive reasoning, Sook. She heads over to Ben’s motel room, looking flawless in her classic high-pone and ruby-red headband, and invites him over for dinner. Obviously, he agrees. Sookie gets ready for their “non-date” and cooks Ben a good ol’ southern meal (I would love to be besties with Sook solely for food purposes)… laced with liquid silver. When he eats it, he surprisingly doesn’t react to it. They have a nice chat over dinner about how Ben likes her because she understands him and they make googly eyes and blah blah. Let’s get to the good stuff. Sook puts Etta James, “At Last”, on the record player and the two passionately start making out. One thing is leading to another on Gram’s antique sofa and then BLAMMO! she has her light ball glowing behind his back. She calls him Warlow and basically tells him to back da fucque up off her. I feel like she could have done this before he removed half of her clothing but I understand that a girl’s gotta get some. There has to be more to this! Ben hasn’t killed her and he saved Jason for Pete’s sake. I refuse to believe he’s pure evil. No! I won’t do it!

Side note: If you loved Sookie’s white, lace dress as much as we did, you’re in luck. It’s on sale at Urban Outfitters for $30. You’re welcome.

NiallNiall & Jason: Niall is face-to-face with Nora in Sookie’s yard after thinking it was Warlow. He asks her how she knows about Warlow but they don’t get very far in the conversation before Governor Burrell’s guards show up and take her. Niall escapes and retreats back to Sookie’s where he snaps at Ben for even giving a shit about Jason, who is irrelevant to him. He doesn’t seem to mind J-Stack’s help though, because the two of them go on a Warlow hunt together. Jason is freaked out because he has a dream about Ben… a sexual dream about them shaving each other. Niall steals his thoughts from his head and Jason makes the comment that the only other time he’s had dreams about someone like that was when he drank a vampire’s blood. They connect the dots and realize Ben must have healed Jason after he collapsed and therefore must be half vampire and half faerie. WARLOW! Jason and Niall storm Ben’s motel room but they are not successful. Actually, they fail miserably. Ben/Warlow (we’ll call him Barlow) glamours Jason and tells him he’ll forget about all of this, tells him to say goodbye to his grandpa and not to come near Sookie’s house tonight. Then, Barlow drains Niall almost to death, but not quite. He takes him to the bridge, opens the bad faerie land portal thingy and tosses him in. Okay… I absolutely love Niall and I hope he finds his way back to Bon Temps before the end of the season.

Jessica True BloodJessica & Bill: Jessica was something fierce in this episode. Bill and Jessica stake out the Bellefleur’s and follow the four fae girls when they take off in Andy’s cop car. When the girl’s stop at a convenient store to try to by some booze, Jessica follows them in. She tells Bill she should go instead because she doesn’t know if his Billith self could resist eating them. Jess glamours the clerk into giving them the beer and forgetting they were all there. Then, she invites them to a party at her place and it takes very little convincing for the girls to agree, even after Jess tells them she’s a vampire. I would think with Andy being a cop and all, he would have taught them about stranger danger. But no, the girl’s and their 10-year-old mentality hop in the car with Bill and Jess and off they go. Bill goes down to the basement of his house (with a vile of one of the girl’s blood), where he’s created a lab for Takahashi to work on synthesizing the faerie blood. Here’s the problem, though. The blood loses it’s fae qualities after 20 seconds of being outside its’ host, making it damn near impossible to synthesize. Bill doesn’t give a flying f*ck and threatens Takahashi, telling him not to stop until he succeeds and pinning him to the ceiling with his newly acquired telekinesis. How does he expect him to work under such stressful conditions? Meanwhile, Jessica is trying to keep the girls from leaving when she snaps and drains… ALL OF THEM.

Bill finds her sobbing on the floor with all the girls seemingly dead around her. Well, this might be a problem in more ways than one.

Eric and Willa True BloodEric & Willa: These Willa and Eric moments were quite possibly some of my favorite of the season. Pam and Eric are still on the run from Governor Burrell’s guards and hiding in a sewer system. Pam “calls” Tara and Eric forces her to tell him where Willa is. He goes to find her and she’s sitting on a f*cking carousel look glamorous as hell in her flowing white night-gown with her makeup and hair still looking perfect. Being kidnapped usually doesn’t treat people so well, but Willa is obviously special. Eric asks her if she truly wants to help and she says that she does because she hates what her father is doing. He digs a hole out in the woods where they’ll be buried together for her transition. Yeah, that’s right. That lucky bitch gets the gift of eternal life with ERIC! I’m so jealous. Eric is so tender with her, telling her that “it won’t hurt the way he does it” (sexual much?) and telling her that all the hatred that her father instilled in her will seep out and be replaced with wisdom and compassion. It was so romantic, dark, poetic, beautiful, sensual… I could go on forever. When Willa wakes up a with a shiny new set of fangs and a hankering for some fresh blood, Eric orders her to return to her father and prove to him that all vampires were once humans and convince him to stop his war against them. She unwillingly does as he says and when she sees her father he, of course, has an injury. She tries to eat him because the smell is too much for her to handle! God dammit, Willa! That’s not going to help anything. Eric should have known better than to send a newbie. Oh, and speaking of Governor Burrell, he’s with Sarah Newlin now, who is a raging bitch and doesn’t give a shit who Willa is/was. She wants her dead. Fangtastic.

Sam and Nicole True BloodSam & Nicole: Lala, Sam, Emma and Nicole are still on the run from Alcide’s pack when they decide Nicole (who’s freaking out about the fact her friends are probably minced meat) needs a hospital for her leg. I totally agree because that shit looked nasty. Sam asks Lala to take the car back to Sam’s and he shifts into a horse to carry Emma and Nicole far out of town to get her some medical attention. Emma and Nicole ride Sam bareback to a shitty little motel for the night. Once Emma is zonked out in another room, Sam starts taking pulls of whisky. Yeah, I’d say he needs it after the last few days he’s had. Nicole’s thirsty too and Sam brings her the booze and sits next to her on the bed. They f*cking snuggle and make out.

What the holy hell, y’all? I have a couple of problems with this. For one, Luna died like a week ago. It seems a little soon to be canoodling with a new lass. Secondly, you know their breath smelled rank, especially since Sam was a f*cking horse like, 10 minutes ago. Maybe concierge hooked them up with some toiletries. I don’t really know. I can sort of understand their make out sesh. Near death experiences do tend to bring people together and Nicole is gorgeous. The jury’s still out on this duo.

Andy True BloodAndy: He deserves the Father-Of-The-Year award for not dumping his freaky fae children in the middle of a gator swamp. I mean, he has no idea how to take care of one child, let alone 4 children that are growing faster than a damn chia pet on crack… and he actually loves them. He didn’t even get to see their latest transformation into full-blown adults. When Andy realizes that they are missing, he goes ape shit and calls the whole police force. He wants them to put out an APB on four white females between about 4 and 6.5 feet tall and between the ages of 8 and 50. Well, that narrows it down. Andy and Jason go to the convenient store where the girls were and talk to the clerk who had been glamoured. With the vamper blood still flowing in Jason, he rings the dude’s nuts with his nightstick. Yowza!

I don’t know if that was necessary. Andy puts two-and-two together about fairy blood and vampires and remembers talking to Bill about the girls the other night. He’s on his way to Bill’s but I don’t think he’s going to like what he finds. This should do wonders for the vampire/human war…

Oh, and Pam has been taken to Burrell’s camp along with Nora. Eek! Next week, Sookie demands answers from Barlow, Alcide body slams his pops and Andy comes a-knockin’ at Bill’s house. Plus, it looks like we’ll be getting a good Lala scene which is much needed.

I’ll leave you with this theory about Barlow and it may be far-fetched, but here it goes: The night Sookie’s parents died, and supposedly Warlow killed them, maybe he was actually there to save her. Remember Sook telling Jason their mom was scared of her? What if she was going to drive poor Sookie off the bridge or kill her and Warlow showed up and killed them instead, saving her. Now, he’s made his way out of fae-hell and he’s come to find her. I know, kind of crazy, right? Just throwing it out there! Leave your thoughts and predictions! Until next time… #FangsOut

Here’s a gif to tide you over until the next episode (you’re welcome).



Listen to the music from True Blood “At Last”