What the ACTUAL f*ck? Is this real life? I was just scrolling through Google images, minding my own business and looking at pictures of Dean and Sam Winchester like I do every day, when I came upon these mini Winchester replicas. Really? Is this really happening again? How dare you tamper with the beauty that is the Winchesters! Let’s just calm down, take a deep breath and break down what’s going on in the picture above.
Sam: Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum! I smell another failed attempt at making dolls actually look like the characters they’re meant to represent. This Sam doll looks like a damn giant. Sam’s tall. We get it. You don’t need to be that dramatic about it. The face looks nothing like Sam’s but it’s not that bad so we’ll just leave that alone. I’m sure Sam does a lot to keep his chocolate locks fluffy, soft and full of volume, so this doll’s hair has got to be a huge slap in the face. This doll’s hair is jet black, slicked down and looks greasy as shit. #Offensive. What is he doing with that hand? *STOP! In the name of love. Before you break my heart.* It’s too late Sam. My heart’s already broken from seeing you like this. No but seriously Sam, put your hand down. It’s super size only further accentuates the fact that these doll makers made you WAY too big compared to Dean. The Sam doll is by far the better of the two though, so let’s move on to Dean’s.
Dean: Where do I even start with this doll? It looks like doll Dean has neglected to hit the gym for about 2 years. Sure he likes to drink beer and eat burgers, but he fights demons like every day for crying out loud so he has a rock hard bod. His svelte figure is everyone’s favorite thing about Dean Winchester, so how do you f*ck that up? How do you expect him to fight evil and save the world when he is THAT out of shape? We’re all doomed now. That face looks nothing like Dean. I mean, NOTHING. This doll’s eyes are all wrong. Dean’s eyes are a beautiful, soul-stirring, shimmering hazel and this doll’s are just straight black. Dean’s hair is a chestnut-brown. It’s not that dark and the sides are kept shorter than they are on this doll. If it weren’t for the damn necklace, no one would ever guess it was Dean. It looks like a Guido jacked his wardrobe and maybe Sam knows he’s an imposter and he’s trying to stop him and that’s why he’s holding his hand out like that. There’s really no other explanation.
Listen, I understand that making these things can’t be easy and I commend people for trying, but you’ve f*cked with some seriously good-looking people and it’s blasphemous. Defiling the hotness that is Sam and Dean Winchester is on the same level as telling your child they’re adopted on their birthday while they’re blowing out their birthday candles in front of all their friends. Surprise! It’s just so wrong and frankly, embarrassing. I’m still waiting for someone to successfully make little Sam and Deans that I can carry around in my pocket or duct tape to the wall beside by bed. If someone ever finds any Sam and Dean #dollsuccesses, please let me know. *sigh* It’s just another unfortunate case of… #dollfail.