Category Archives: #dollfails

#DollFail – Supernatural Edition (2)

supenatural doll failWhat the ACTUAL f*ck? Is this real life? I was just scrolling through Google images, minding my own business and looking at pictures of Dean and Sam Winchester like I do every day, when I came upon these mini Winchester replicas. Really? Is this really happening again? How dare you tamper with the beauty that is the Winchesters! Let’s just calm down, take a deep breath and break down what’s going on in the picture above.

Sam: Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum! I smell another failed attempt at making dolls actually look like the characters they’re meant to represent. This Sam doll looks like a damn giant. Sam’s tall. We get it. You don’t need to be that dramatic about it. The face looks nothing like Sam’s but it’s not that bad so we’ll just leave that alone. I’m sure Sam does a lot to keep his chocolate locks fluffy, soft and full of volume, so this doll’s hair has got to be a huge slap in the face. This doll’s hair is jet black, slicked down and looks greasy as shit. #Offensive. What is he doing with that hand? *STOP! In the name of love. Before you break my heart.* It’s too late Sam. My heart’s already broken from seeing you like this. No but seriously Sam, put your hand down. It’s super size only further accentuates the fact that these doll makers made you WAY too big compared to Dean. The Sam doll is by far the better of the two though, so let’s move on to Dean’s.

Dean: Where do I even start with this doll? It looks like doll Dean has neglected to hit the gym for about 2 years. Sure he likes to drink beer and eat burgers, but he fights demons like every day for crying out loud so he has a rock hard bod. His svelte figure is everyone’s favorite thing about Dean Winchester, so how do you f*ck that up? How do you expect him to fight evil and save the world when he is THAT out of shape? We’re all doomed now. That face looks nothing like Dean. I mean, NOTHING. This doll’s eyes are all wrong. Dean’s eyes are a beautiful, soul-stirring, shimmering hazel and this doll’s are just straight black. Dean’s hair is a chestnut-brown. It’s not that dark and the sides are kept shorter than they are on this doll. If it weren’t for the damn necklace, no one would ever guess it was Dean. It looks like a Guido jacked his wardrobe and maybe Sam knows he’s an imposter and he’s trying to stop him and that’s why he’s holding his hand out like that. There’s really no other explanation.

Listen, I understand that making these things can’t be easy and I commend people for trying, but you’ve f*cked with some seriously good-looking people and it’s blasphemous. Defiling the hotness that is Sam and Dean Winchester is on the same level as telling your child they’re adopted on their birthday while they’re blowing out their birthday candles in front of all their friends. Surprise! It’s just so wrong and frankly, embarrassing. I’m still waiting for someone to successfully make little Sam and Deans that I can carry around in my pocket or duct tape to the wall beside by bed. If someone ever finds any Sam and Dean #dollsuccesses, please let me know. *sigh* It’s just another unfortunate case of… #dollfail.

xoxo,

TeamTSD

#DOLLFAIL: DARYL DIXON

I know what you are all thinking: how is this a doll fail? Well, we thought the same thing at first. Then, TeamTSD split a box of wine and it all started coming together. This #dollfail is creepy and way too realistic and jank at the same time. Let’s dissect this for just a minute:

Look at the rippling muscles. Does he actually have stretch marks and scar tissue? Yes, yes he does. And look at the under-eyes for crying out loud! He actually has the same facial lines and wrinkles as Norman Reedus. You know what else is f*cked up? Check out his wrist and and elbow. You can TOTALLY tell that this doll is made of like 10 separate pieces. They didn’t even try to cover it up! What kind of doll maker molds a face so masterful one would think it was a cast member from Honey I Shrunk the Kids, but then doesn’t do the same for the joints? I mean really. It’s called consistency people! It’s like they spent so much time on the head and skin, they were like, “yeah, no one will notice his joints look like tinker toys.” #areyouf*ckingkiddingme. Back to the face. Dolls are called dolls for a reason. Because the look like DOLLS. NOT THE ACTUAL HUMAN. They are reminiscent of the person, but they aren’t a freaking Madame Tussaud wax figure. Those are completely separate things. There’s a museum for that shit.

Lets be honest. There is no way to shame the greatness that is Daryl Dixon, so we may have been a little harsh, but you better believe we are going to hold him to the highest standard possible. When you don’t live up to that standard, we are going to call your ass out. We’ll just toss this up to yet ANOTHER unfortunate case of #dollfail.

xoxo,

TeamTSD

#DOLLFAIL: FLASHBACK SALVATORE EDITION

Oh, for the love of all things petticoats and bouffant hair, what the hell are these things? I just stumbled upon these 1800s versions of our dear Salvatore brothers. They rendered me speechless… but only for a moment. Now we need to try to discuss these miniature-monstrosities without totally flying off the handle and punching the shit out of our computer screens.

Throw-Back Damon Salvatore: I just… I just don’t know how to put into words how I feel about this doll. Let’s start with the hair, shall we? Damon’s hair is always breezy, wispy and flowing like chocolate silk mousse that just slowly runs… whoah! Sorry. This doll’s hair looks like Damon slapped some motor oil on his hands and ran them through his hair. Did they have motor oil in the 1800s? I have no idea, and I don’t care. Why the French toast does he look so pissed? Back in the good ol’ pre-bloodsucking days, he was the happy and carefree one of the two brothers. So his dad thought he sucked at life, his brother was bopping around with his girl and that girl was drinking his blood while telling him lies about living happily ever after. So, what? That’s a small price to pay for being given the gift of being eternally hot. Don’t get me started on those freaking boots. Just cut it out with those rain boots. Cut it out right now! They are cheap, shiny black rain boots that Damon would never wear. The Salvatores were straight ballers back in the day. They wore pure man boots made of leather and other expensive shit like that. Giuseppe would be insulted. Never mind the fact that this looks NOTHING like Damon Salvatore. So you got the hair and skin color right? Congrats! Someone hit redo on this shit.

Throw-Back Stefan Salvatore: Hmmm… Stefan. Where do I start? Other than the fact that Stefan looks like Oliver Twist, I think they nailed it. NOT! Plus, don’t even get me going on those fucqueing boots again. #realtalk.  His tie looks like the scrap fabric from the clearance bin at JoAnn Fabrics. Remember the flashback episodes? They had crisp, bouffant-like ties pinned down with emerald tacks. #PURECLASS. This doll doesn’t even resemble Stefan in the slightest! This is freaking offensive. Again with the orange hair! Why are doll makers constantly turning him into a ginger? Where is the chiseled jaw and the hot ass cheek bones? Where did you put them doll makers? Were you jealous of his well-sculpted bone structure? That must be it, because I don’t even know what other excuse you could have for making him look like this and dressing him like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast.

Also, I’m not an accredited archaeologist like Elena, (remember her deductive history reasoning from the Originals cave with cryptic symbols? Right…) ANYWAYS, I am pretty sure that their outfits scream Revolutionary War and not Civil War period-esque. These guys look like the militia drifters from 1776. UGH!!

Ok, I think we need to stop before our fangs pop out and we start attacking people rocking pea-coats and shitty hair on the street. Leave your comments on these throw-back Salvatore dolls and tell us what you think. It’s just another unfortunate case of #dollfail. #fangsout

xoxo,

Team TSD

#DOLLFAIL: THE VAMPIRE DIARIES (AGAIN)

Elena, Damon & Stefan #fail

Holy shit!! Where do I even start? I just… can’t. Quadruple WTF dude? How can someone seriously make these monstrosities and sit back and say: “Yup, looks fucking awesome. Let’s sell these bitches.” No! Just no! How dare you defile my lovelies like that? I’m even more disappointed in whoever bought these. Let’s try to figure out where these ass-hat doll makers went wrong.

Elena: Home-girl is supposed to look like she’s in high school, not like a single mom working three jobs and on a crack binge. Elena, sweetheart, please know that your head is NOT that boxy and your face doesn’t look like you got smacked with a cast iron griddle. I think Doll Elena has a squirrel watcher too. One eye’s watching Damon and Klaus fling fence posts at each other, the other one’s looking for an escape route. Ok, so the cock-eyes aren’t that dramatic but whatever. Doll maker, I’m assuming this is your job so, you should probably be really good at it and make both of her eyes look straight ahead. Other issues I have with this doll are that the chain on her necklace is totally not that thick, she never wears that shade/cut of jeans & her hair never looks this freaking greasy. She is freaking clean. Don’t insult her like that! I’m pissed.

Damon: Just… I don’t even know. So, this Damon doll looks like he made a guest appearance on Rupaul’s Drag Race and then forgot to use his Pond’s makeup removal pads before his TVD doll photo shoot. Who the hell did this to my dear sweet Damon? Who?! Did you really need to pencil in his eyebrows that much and add a smokey eye? Let’s just freaking emasculate him a little more and make him look like he took a trip over to Orange County and got some lip injections. What’s with the crease in his neck? If you can’t make that plastic doll joint shit look natural, don’t do it all. Despicable.

Stefan:This is the Irish version of Stefan Salvatore right? Since when did Stefan become a ginger who looks like he’s wearing a wig? I must have missed that. Anyone else think he is just one step away from busting out into the robot? No? Just me? Moving on. Judging by the lines under his eyes, it looks like he hasn’t slept for days. Mother cracker, Stefan is a vampire! He doesn’t get lines under his eyes. The only thing they did right here is have him wearing a leather jacket with a brooding look on his face. That’s so Stefan. Otherwise, this seriously looks nothing like him. I’m seriously offended. FAIL!

Now that I’m officially pissed about the complete lack of respect for the TVD cast’s dashing good looks, it’s time for you to get pissed too and tell us what you think about these raggedy-ass dolls. It’s just another unfortunate case of #dollfail. Leave your comments. #fangsout

xoxo,

Team TSD

PAPER #DOLLFAIL: TRUE BLOOD EDITION 2

DA FUCQUE?! True Blood Paper Doll Mess

Oh. my. Godric. You might be asking yourself right now, “Is this real?” The answer is, yes. Yes, it’s real. When I first saw these online (2 minutes ago), I was speechless. Now that I have gotten over the initial shock of what we are looking at, I think we need to discuss these RIGHT NOW. So, we have Lafayette, Bill and an ass-baring Sam Merlotte in one picture. Then we have paper dolls of Alcide, Sookie & a martian-like Russell.

Sam – How the hell do you put clothes on a paper doll that is facing backwards? I don’t even know what else to say, except nice ass.

Bill – Are those boxers from American Eagle? I highly doubt a vampire king is going to be rocking purple undergarments, but what the hell do I know? These freaking doll makers have proved I apparently know nothing, time and time again. Why is his skin tinted pink? More importantly, why does he look like he got hit in the face with a frying pan? My poor sweet Bill Compton, this miniature paper version of you is just horrific.

Lafayette – What the french toast?! I am so very sorry. While we all know you don fabulous head wraps daily, you would never wear one that is so plain and unimpressive. Banana hammock really? Why do we have to assume that Lafayette would be wearing a leopard print crotch strangler? Why can’t he wear the American Eagle boxers like Bill or just go au-natural like Sam and Alcide? Oh, and we all know Lala would never wear that shade of pink on his lips. It’s not complimentary with his skin tone. Also, why is he holding his hand in that fashion? It’s like he’s saying, “I am THIS close to popping out of this paper I’m encased in and kicking the shit out of the people who made me look like this, hookah.” Do it Lala. I got your paper-back.

Alcide – Power stance! Paper Alcide looks fine as hell, but he is missing an arm so that sort of ruins it. There isn’t too much I can say about this one though because I would definitely cut this bad boy out and tape it beside my bed. #noshame

Sookie – This Sookie doll looks like she’s been on a 5 day meth binge. This is just rude. Even if Sookie is out gallivanting all night with vampires, fairies, shifters and werewolves and shooting light beams from her hands, she still looks fierce as hell when she goes into work at Merlotte’s. How do you expect paper Sookie to make enough tips to live on if you make her look like that? Plus, why do the guys get to be naked and she doesn’t? We’ve only seen her naked like 50 times on the show so I think paper Sook can handle this. #sexist

Russell – Besides the fact that this looks nothing like our favorite villain, why the hell is he blue? Everyone else gets a normal skin pigment so what gives doll makers? I really love the ripped out spine accessory though. Totally cool. Doll makers, do you really think Russell would wear that kind of print on his boxers? It looks like he took some wall paper from my grandma’s guest bedroom and wrapped it around his downstairs mix-up. I’m pretty sure Russell shops exclusively at Saks, so fail.

I have never met a single adult that plays with paper dolls, of course it just may be that I don’t know anyone that is cool enough. I just cross my fingers and hope to Godric that around Christmas time someone doesn’t snatch these paper dolls up as a gift for their 4 year old niece. “Mommy, can you help me cut out this bloody spine? All these angles are super hard to cut around.” “Damnit Aunt Cindy!”

Anyway, go ahead and shout off about these abominable True Blood paper dolls. I’m still praying that one day some doll makers can get this shit right. It’s just another unfortunate example of #dollfail. Until next time…

xoxo,

Team TSD

#DOLLFAIL: BUFFY EDITION

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

For all of you doll haters out there, I ain’t mad at ya. We have seen some pathetic excuses of molding plastic (see past posts below). I don’t know if it is the new generation of Barbie makers, but from the photo above we can see that at one point, they had it right. Can you tell which is a doll and which is Buffy the Vampire Slayer aka Sarah Michelle Gellar? I had to do a triple take. Check out those fierce blonde tresses (freshly highlighted, of course), the perfect pout-y lips with just the right amount of lip gloss, and even the nose is shaped like hers. Please note that this doll was created like 10 years ago. Pretty sure Nina Dobrev was in sixth grade and probably not even allowed to watch the WB network, Ian Somerhalder was modeling for Abercrombie when it was actually cool, and Paul Wesley was just that hot guy on the basketball team. My point? How the hell can dolls TEN YEARS LATER be so terribly crafted that not even my dog finds them as justifiable chew toys. I don’t know. All I can say is that this was supposed to make me feel better but it’s actually pissed me off even more. How about we take ten steps forward and not twenty steps back Barbie and Co.? Next thing you know the cast of The Vampire Diaries will be looking like Care Bears. And those things freak me out. Don’t judge; I bet you my Damon Daylight Ring if your stuffed bear came alive in the middle of the night with a glowing heart on its stomach you would lose your shit too. But that’s a whole different topic. #fangsout

XOXO,

Team TSD

#DOLLFAIL: TRUE BLOOD EDITION

The Meth-head Barbie Versions of Bill, Sookie & Eric

Oh no… dolls gone wrong AGAIN. Triple WTF?! Are you kidding me with this shit? For how technologically advanced this country is, we just can’t seem to figure out how to make real-life vampires into dolls that actually look like them. I mean, we can send a man to the moon and invent Twinkies but we just can’t seem to figure out how to make dolls actually look like the people they are supposed to be mini-replicas of. What gives American doll makers? I want to know who the hell did all the Madame Tussaud’s wax celebrities and give them a call and see if they can do something about this STAT. Sookie, Eric & Bill, I am so so sorry. Please don’t be offended by these mediocre representations of yourselves. Oh my poor sweet Eric doll. What have they done to you? First of all, no ones arm muscles ripple in that fashion by the elbow. It looks like the plastic got messed up before it was done drying and someone just said, “Oh fuck it.” Why is his face so much darker than the rest of his body? Why does he look so feminine? Is he wearing guy-liner? Did they rub body oil on his chest? They are dolls! They don’t need to be prepped for a photo shoot like normal people do. Get your knowledge up. The Sookie doll actually looks hot here and I would love it except for one thing, it doesn’t look like Sookie at all, so… fail. The Bill doll doesn’t look half bad but here we go ahead with the awkward facial hair length where we aren’t sure if it’s a shadow or stubble. Plus, don’t kid yourself Bill, your jaw is not that chiseled. Also, a vampire king would never where a shirt as ill-fitting as that. How insulting. So many questions. It’s all yet another case of #dollfail and it’s pissing me off. #fangsout

XOXO,

Team TSD