True Blood Recap 6×09 – “Life Matters”

This episode is too.much. I mean, seriously. #WTF. Pam cries, Sarah DOESN’T die, and Eric is yet again on another selfish solo mission. Why can’t we go back to the old days with weekends at Fangtasia and a Sunday night casserole special at Merlotte’s? Let’s get down to the dirty deets.

Sookie: Dear Lord, woman. You are just numb to it all, aren’t you? Sookie spends the first seconds of the episode cussing Billith out, because he tried to take a near-death Warlow to the Vampire Prison. (Eric had conveniently drained Warlow so he could walk in the daylight to save the vamps at Camp Sarah’s-F*cking-Crazy.) Warlow tells Sookie to use her light to beam Billith out of fae-land, and it works. Billith pouts and stomps off, and Sookie shrugs off her efforts and offers up her arm to rejuvenate Warlow. #AintNoThang #NoBigs

Sookie then proceeds to spend the rest of the episode at Terry’s funeral, where she reads Arlene’s mind and sees that she is finally getting some closure with Terry’s death, and she gives a nice little speech about how Terry loved her from the moment he saw her. Adorbs. Can Sook become a vampire fairy bride now?

Eric: What. A. F*cking. Badass. Seriously, if you weren’t team Eric, you definitely are now. Eric tells Billith to shove his prophecy up his ass, and decides to take matters into his own hands. Since he drank some of Warlow, then drank some of Adeline, he could walk in the daylight. He heads over to the Vampire Death Camp and kills all the guards outside. Then, he heads into the room where that asshole doctor was (the one with the glasses that put the Hep-V in Nora. I will not even honor him by remembering his name). Eric just walks right up to him and….are you ready for this?…RIPS HIS DOWNSTAIRS TREASURE OFF. Yep, you heard me right. He grabbed him by the manhood and mic-dropped that shit across the room.

Eric then let’s all of the vampire prisoners out, where they start to wreak havoc on all the humans in the vampire camp. #AsTheyShould. Eric finds that nasty ass psychologist dude who had all those solo sessions with Pam and tells him to say where Pam is. The doctor tells Eric to go eff himself, and that he stooped Pam. Um, say what? Eric looks like someone just lit a match in his bonghole, and rips the contacts out of his eyes that prevent him from being glamoured. He finds out that Pam made a deal with this asshole. She had sex with him in exchange to be taken out of solitary and put back in Gen Pop. Eric decides that he’ll let Pam have the pleasure of killing him, but first he has to show him to the room where she is being held. On the way to find Pam and crew, Eric hears a familiar scream…it’s Ginger, the meth head we all know and love. Eric decides to save her and take her along. Hey, she’s been loyal to him since season 1. Eric then finds Pam in the room with the rest of the main cast (and that Violet bitch, as well as the hot James guy), but they are far from “meeting the sun”…

source: skarsgardfans.com

source: skarsgardfans.com

Bill: You just HAVE to be the hero, don’t you, Bill? Since Bill got beamed out of fae-land by Sookie, he decides to head to Vamp Camp and offer his own blood up to the vampires in the room where they’ll meet the sun. Eric catches him lying in the middle of the room, with all the vampires feeding off of him and receiving what looks like a marvelous trip to rainbow land (aka they’re high as hell). Once the vampires get their fill, they leave Bill lying there half dead, and dance around in the daylight.

source: fmlawschool.tumblr.com

Once the vampers leave the room, Billith lays there seeing visions of Lillith’s naked-blood covered minions. I really can’t wait for the day where we don’t have to see those bitches anymore. Anyways, Bill starts hallucinating and then he “calls” Jessica to come find him. Jessica snaps out of her fae-blood induced high and runs over to him with her new hippie boyfriend, James. Man, he’d be a lot hotter if his fang wasn’t chipped….moving on. So Jessica is freaking out because Bill is hallucinating, and James is like, “don’t worry I’ll feed him my blood to give him his fairy blood back to heal him.” Jessica looks at him and is like, “looks AND brains?!” #swoon

Bill ends up OK and joins the gang outside, where are the fae-‘d up vamps are smashing the boxes of TruBlood laced with Hep-V. All is well in the world…

BUT WAIT! One shipment of Hep-V made its way to Hawaii and a bunch of vampires took it over and stole the TruBlood! Shit. Well, none of the season regulars are there so I really don’t give a shit. #sucksforthemthough. PS-why would you live in Hawaii if you’re a vamp? Go lurk somewhere dark and broody like New York or Seattle. Living in a sunshine paradise is just like giving yourself a big c*nt punt everyday. Speaking of c*nt punts…

Sarah: I seriously, seriously hate this woman. Not only did she murder that chick last week, she was hell-bent on killing all the vampires that wouldn’t drink the TruBlood laced with Hep-V. She proceeds to head up to the top of the camp facility and open up the roof of the room where vampires meet the sun. We all know how THAT turned out. As she prepares to see a group of vampires burn up in flames, she instead sees them glistening in the sun from feeding off of Bill. Just when she thinks her plan turns to shit, it gets worse. She witnesses her ex-husband Steve Newlin get burned in the sun, compliments of Mr. Eric Northman. Apparently, none of the vampires wanted to share Bill’s blood with him. As much as Sarah hated Steve, it hurt her to see him die. You know what’s worse? His last words:

source: photobucket.com/user/newyorkbell

That was a hilarious and wonderful way for him to go. I’ll miss him, though. #RIP. Sarah then has a run-in with JStacks, and he puts a gun to her neck. As much as that bitch deserved to die, we all know Jason couldn’t kill her. He lets her go, and I can’t wait for her to return so someone can cap her ass.

source: truebloodconfidential.blogspot.com

source: truebloodconfidential.blogspot.com

Jason: Poor JStacks got put through the ringer this episode. Not only was he being used and mentally abused by Violet, when she got taken to the room to meet the sun for not drinking the TruBlood, all the other vamp girls in Gen Pop started feeding on him. Eric finds him shirtless and nearly dead in the cell, and decides to offer him his blood in return for his assistance finding the room where Pam and crew were being held. So, at least Jason is on a nice 1,000-year-old Viking high. That high was short-lived, however, because of Steve Newlin’s professing his love to JStack’s as his dying last words. #buzzkill. Jason then realizes Sarah is still alive, and runs out to go find her, where we see him spare her life. Jason Stackhouse, you may be dumber than a turd melting on black asphalt on a hot summer day, but you have a heart of gold. I would have bitch slapped that hooker all the way to Herveaux County.

Pam: Oh sweet, sassy, dear Pam. Pam keeps her cool the entire time she’s at the vamp camp, and even offers up her Northman-bred vagina to that disgusting psychiatrist. She gets put back in Gen Pop, and refuses to drink the rest of the TruBlood with the rest of the crew since they know it’s laced with Hep-V. She gets put in the room to meet the sun, along with everyone else refusing to drink it. Then, of course, Billith comes to save the day. All looks like it might be turning for the best, as she feeds on the oldest vampire blood laced with fairy juice, kills the psychiatrist, and reunites with her maker (who rescued her)… and then she sees him fly off and leave her again. I could barely look at her face as the words left her mouth, “don’t leave me again.”

source: gemini-dragon-gifs.tumblr.com

If we don’t get some quality Peric time soon, I’m going to lose it. He even released her as his maker and she loves him more than herself, or dare I say it-her prodigy, Tara. Come on, writers! Show us the love!

We also saw a nice send off for Terry. Poor Terry was pretty miserable, but it was nice to see all the stories everyone had to say about him. It brought the whole cast together again, and seeing those flashbacks gave us some good memories of the way things used to be in Bon Temps. Now shit is just f*cked up.

What do you guys think will happen in next week’s episode? I, for one, want Sarah Newlin to get what she deserves, Pam and Eric to PERMANENTLY reunite, and for Sookie to give Warlow the bird and spend eternity with Eric. What do you guys think? Leave your thoughts below! #FangsOut

xoxo,

TeamTSD

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