Well, hell, fae and damnation. That was one heck of a True Blood episode. Can I get something off my chest real quick? Apparently, there’s something in the water because people are falling in love with each other left and right. These jokers only need like two days to form a serious bond with each other (Jessica and James, Sookie and Warlow, Sam and Nicole). It’s kind of unbelievable. I mean, it takes me at least four date nights at Buffalo Wild Wings for me to even consider a relationship with someone new. Anyway, in this episode Sarah Newlin was more bat shit cray than we thought, Jason became some crazy chick’s bitch again (remember the were-panther hoopla?), and Sookie makes the most important decision of her (human) life. Let’s get down to the dirty deets.
Sookie: This poor girl. She just can’t catch a break. All her boyfriends want her for something…other than HER. Bill wanted her because of her fairy blood, and initially because of a hidden agenda. Who knows if he ever really loved her. And then there’s Warlow…that asshole is just bored. “I’ve been waiting for you for 6,000 years!” Joker, no you haven’t. You have been waiting for SOMEONE to keep your shit in line and to play scrabble with for all eternity. How about Eric, though? Eric has always loved Sookie because she is who she is, and she doesn’t take shit from anyone. Eric is one badass mother f*cker, and that’s never phased her. Anyways, poor Sook, being the selfless person she is, has decided to be Warlow’s eternal vampire-fairy bride if he saves her friends. Really, Warlow? If you REALLY loved Sookie, you would help her save her friends just because it’s the right thing to do. Ultimatum-ing someone into loving you never ends well. #trust. Whenever y’all get in a fight, she’s going to throw that shit in your face. Any who, Sook decides to make herself an immortal fae vampire-goddess, and Bill doesn’t seem to give a f*ck. Way to go, Bill. I really hope the writer’s intent is to never rekindle that romance, because at this point it’s completely unrealistic for them to get back together. Sookie is way too fierce to go back to Bill at this point. I mean, she’s sacrificing herself to spend an eternity with creepy Warlow just to save her friends. And for the record, I don’t mean that Warlow is creepy in a scary way, I mean the dude’s a legit creep. What kind of guy waits around for 6,000 years for a girl he doesn’t know? You’re a FAIRY VAMPIRE. Get #bizzy with your half-light/half-dark self. Shit. When Sookie and Bill go to get Warlow so Bill can use his blood to save the vampires in the camp from meeting the sun, they find him injured and drained. He’s not dead, but he’s in bad shape. Bill automatically knows it was an out of control Eric who did it.
Eric: Eric is on a path of vengeful destruction. And you know what? I don’t blame the guy. His sister just died a horrific, painful (and disgusting) death. Sure, she was annoying as hell, but I was willing to put my peeves aside for the sake of Eric. Now he’s lost his maker (who Bill mocked) AND his sister, and in both instances there has been nothing he could have done to stop it. Would Warlow’s blood really have saved Nora? My guess is no, but the guy is going to beat himself up till next Tuesday over that. The levitation/fight scene between him and Bill? Hilarious. Bill (who’s about done with Eric’s attitude) suspends Eric in the air and Eric is just spitting insults in a blind rage, mocking him and telling him he is no god.
Bill is straight up un-killable, and Eric still doesn’t give a flying f*ck (pun intended). He cares about one thing and one thing only right now: nothing. He is so effing pissed, that he is just going to do whatever the hell wants in the name of revenge, and not even an almighty immortal vampire can get in his way. For instance, breaking up the creepy underage make out scene with Holly’s son and Adeline Braeline Chartreuse Paisley Danica Mercedes Star McWhatTheFuckEver. Side note: Is the “Charlene” in her name a nod to the author of the True Blood books? Just caught that. So, Eric glamours the boys to get lost and feeds on Adeline, then lets her run away and into her dad’s arm, blood still running down her neck. Poor girl. I have a feeling Andy’s not going to let it slide this time. Vampires have done him wrong too many times.
The Camp-Vamps & Jason: Jason’s having a really rough time in the camp right now. That random bitch, Violet, has staked her claim on him. She told him she’s going to feed on him when she wants for the rest of his life. So basically, she wants him to be her personal Lunchable until the end of time. Ummm… talk about a long-term commitment. Jason’s freaked (naturally) but there isn’t much anyone can do about it. She even tells him that she’s not going to force him to have sex with her, but that he’s going to want to and then she’s not going to let him. She’s really f*cking dramatic when making this point, taking the whole “hard to get” game a little too far. As for the other vampires, Jessica and James truly like each other and James can’t help but tell Steve Newlin about the infected Hep-V. This is a colossal mistake because Sarah tortures Newlin in a giant hamster wheel until he tells her James was the one that told her. It doesn’t take long for Newlin to spill the beans because he’s the most pathetic, least athletic vampire on the face of the planet. It’s kind of hilarious though.
Him and James get thrown into the room-o-death. They’re later joined by Violet, Pam, Tara, Jessica and Willa because they refused the Tru Blood. Bill’s vision is about to come true. Good thing Eric is about to show up, high on fairy blood and f*ck some shit up. You know he’s not going to let Pam get killed and he sure as hell isn’t going to let Sarah get away with these shenanigans. Speaking of that bible-thumping lunatic…
Sarah: Can someone call that oozy psychiatrist Pam just bopped because homegirl has some mental issues and should probably be heavily medicated. She changed out of her fuchsia power-suit into a boss white one. She’s trying so hard to be the head honcho at the camp. I actually think she might be glad Burrell is dead. I wouldn’t put it past her. It’s not like she’s grieving. She hasn’t even skipped a beat. Sarah takes charge when Ms. Suzuki from the Tru Blood company shows up and starts asking where Burrell is. Suzuki ends up seeing the Hep-V, getting pissed and knee checking Sarah right in the hot pocket. Ouch! That has to hurt.
After a failed attempt at breaking Suzuki’s neck, Sarah chases her through the halls of the camp until she finally catches up with her in the grated walkway above Male Gen Pop. Sarah beats the shit out of her face against the grate and blood drips down into Gen Pop, sending the vamps into a feeding frenzy (Shark Week style). One vamp even jumps up and bites Suzuki in the face through the grates. Sarah proceeds to take Suzuki’s shoe and stab her in the skull with hit. While the cat fight was comedic, it was more gruesome and disturbing than anything. Sarah starts crying and just when you think, “Aw! She feels bad about it,” she says, “Thank you Jesus.” This broad is so beyond f*cked up. The good thing is, I don’t think she’s smart enough to one-up Bill or Eric. Better watch your back, bitch.
Alcide: Thank BILLITH ,his douchey wolfpack shit is over with. Y’all know I love me some Alcide, (I’ll become a vampire just to stare at those abs for all eternity), but he has driven me nuts this season. Not only was he a huge asshole, but he was a tool-box and a half. He picked a fight with everyone and their mother (or, grandmother if you want to get super literal), and didn’t even need to. That dumb bitch Rikki doesn’t help, either. Now you know TeamTSD isn’t an advocate for men fighting women, but in Rikki’s case…I mean that girl picked a fight by challenging Alcide and got what she asked for. What woman smacks around a little girl anyways? Forcing her to shift? Alcide finally stood up to his pack, saved Nicole and her mom and left Shreveport for good. Then he hit up his old pal Sam…
Sam: When Sam was packing up Terry’s things in a box at Merlotte’s, he saw a picture of Arlene and the baby. So tragic. Alcide comes to tell Sam that he brought Nicole and her mom back safe and sound and they share a beer. Sam also took a sniff of Nicole’s wild locks and realized that she was pregnant. Wow… didn’t they have sex just yesterday? Two days ago, max. It’s not even possible for conception to occur in the short of time. Just sayin’. Regardless, Sam didn’t wrap the goods and now a mini shifter’s on the way. He even asks Nicole to stay with him and says he loves her. What the bloody hell, y’all? Did he really move on that fast? Sookie shows up and asks to talk to Sam. They go into the office, share a super awkward and lingering hug and then Sookie shows him her light ball. “Da f*ck is that?” says Sam. She explains what it is and tells him that she always thought they would end up together. Where the hell did that even come from? Is this just Sookie trying to find any reason at all not to become a fairy princess? I honestly don’t know what the French toast she’s complaining about. Be a waitress at Bon Temps constantly at risk of being killed or be a fairy princess? Anyway, Sam tells Sook she has horrible timing and tells her Nicole is pregnant. Shit gets really awkward and Sookie leaves.
And then there was Arlene…: I feel so bad for Arlene. Her story is 100% disconnected from the main plot and she has to deal with Terry’s hoity-toity family taking over the funeral arrangements. Lafayette tells Arlene about the life insurance policy he took out just four days ago (millions!) and she knows he had planned it all on purpose. Here’s a side note: If someone took out a life insurance policy worth millions less than a week before they died, there would be a giant investigation. No insurance company’s letting go of that much cash under such suspicious circumstances. Then, when Arlene’s at the funeral home with Terry, Holly, Portia and Caroline, the Bellefleur ladies totally monopolize the preparations. They want a proper Marine burial service, complete with 21 armed soldiers. Arlene thinks the idea is f*cking stupid since Terry was SHOT and he hated the Marines and was haunted by his experiences (literally). Terry and Holly comfort Arlene and tell her that despite what she’s feeling right now, she has to accept the life insurance policy because it’s what Terry wanted. So, what’s next for Arlene and how will they draw her into the main storyline?
This episode left me with a lot of questions and with just two episode left, I don’t know how they’re going to wrap everything up. Will Bill remain possessed by Lillith? Will Sookie really become Warlow’s fairy princess? Will Jason make it out of the camp alive? Will Nicole stay with Sam and will they be safe from the Shreveport pack? Will Eric get revenge for Nora’s death? Will Sarah Newlin successfully put Tru Blood on store shelves? I need to know! Next week, we’ll see Eric rage out at the camp, the citizens of Bon Temps attend Terry’s funeral and we see naked, bloody Lillith again. Sound of with your thoughts and predictions for the rest of the season. Until next time… #FangsOut