Holy f*cking macaroons! Team True Blood is taking season 5 to a whole new level. I first want to point out the fact that I totally called Ben being Warlow. BAM! In your face. Anyway, this episode was packed full of surprises. Willa tells Eric she’ll do anything to help him, Jessica makes some faerie friends and Sookie dons her best poker face. Let’s get down to the dirty deets.
Sookie: When Jason, Niall and Ben leave her house, she finds a drop of blood on the floor. Da fucque? She swipes it up with her finger (how unsanitary is that?) and realizes it’s vamp blood and that it must belong to Ben and that he must have healed Jason. Nice deductive reasoning, Sook. She heads over to Ben’s motel room, looking flawless in her classic high-pone and ruby-red headband, and invites him over for dinner. Obviously, he agrees. Sookie gets ready for their “non-date” and cooks Ben a good ol’ southern meal (I would love to be besties with Sook solely for food purposes)… laced with liquid silver. When he eats it, he surprisingly doesn’t react to it. They have a nice chat over dinner about how Ben likes her because she understands him and they make googly eyes and blah blah. Let’s get to the good stuff. Sook puts Etta James, “At Last”, on the record player and the two passionately start making out. One thing is leading to another on Gram’s antique sofa and then BLAMMO! she has her light ball glowing behind his back. She calls him Warlow and basically tells him to back da fucque up off her. I feel like she could have done this before he removed half of her clothing but I understand that a girl’s gotta get some. There has to be more to this! Ben hasn’t killed her and he saved Jason for Pete’s sake. I refuse to believe he’s pure evil. No! I won’t do it!
Side note: If you loved Sookie’s white, lace dress as much as we did, you’re in luck. It’s on sale at Urban Outfitters for $30. You’re welcome.
Niall & Jason: Niall is face-to-face with Nora in Sookie’s yard after thinking it was Warlow. He asks her how she knows about Warlow but they don’t get very far in the conversation before Governor Burrell’s guards show up and take her. Niall escapes and retreats back to Sookie’s where he snaps at Ben for even giving a shit about Jason, who is irrelevant to him. He doesn’t seem to mind J-Stack’s help though, because the two of them go on a Warlow hunt together. Jason is freaked out because he has a dream about Ben… a sexual dream about them shaving each other. Niall steals his thoughts from his head and Jason makes the comment that the only other time he’s had dreams about someone like that was when he drank a vampire’s blood. They connect the dots and realize Ben must have healed Jason after he collapsed and therefore must be half vampire and half faerie. WARLOW! Jason and Niall storm Ben’s motel room but they are not successful. Actually, they fail miserably. Ben/Warlow (we’ll call him Barlow) glamours Jason and tells him he’ll forget about all of this, tells him to say goodbye to his grandpa and not to come near Sookie’s house tonight. Then, Barlow drains Niall almost to death, but not quite. He takes him to the bridge, opens the bad faerie land portal thingy and tosses him in. Okay… I absolutely love Niall and I hope he finds his way back to Bon Temps before the end of the season.
Jessica & Bill: Jessica was something fierce in this episode. Bill and Jessica stake out the Bellefleur’s and follow the four fae girls when they take off in Andy’s cop car. When the girl’s stop at a convenient store to try to by some booze, Jessica follows them in. She tells Bill she should go instead because she doesn’t know if his Billith self could resist eating them. Jess glamours the clerk into giving them the beer and forgetting they were all there. Then, she invites them to a party at her place and it takes very little convincing for the girls to agree, even after Jess tells them she’s a vampire. I would think with Andy being a cop and all, he would have taught them about stranger danger. But no, the girl’s and their 10-year-old mentality hop in the car with Bill and Jess and off they go. Bill goes down to the basement of his house (with a vile of one of the girl’s blood), where he’s created a lab for Takahashi to work on synthesizing the faerie blood. Here’s the problem, though. The blood loses it’s fae qualities after 20 seconds of being outside its’ host, making it damn near impossible to synthesize. Bill doesn’t give a flying f*ck and threatens Takahashi, telling him not to stop until he succeeds and pinning him to the ceiling with his newly acquired telekinesis. How does he expect him to work under such stressful conditions? Meanwhile, Jessica is trying to keep the girls from leaving when she snaps and drains… ALL OF THEM.
Bill finds her sobbing on the floor with all the girls seemingly dead around her. Well, this might be a problem in more ways than one.
Eric & Willa: These Willa and Eric moments were quite possibly some of my favorite of the season. Pam and Eric are still on the run from Governor Burrell’s guards and hiding in a sewer system. Pam “calls” Tara and Eric forces her to tell him where Willa is. He goes to find her and she’s sitting on a f*cking carousel look glamorous as hell in her flowing white night-gown with her makeup and hair still looking perfect. Being kidnapped usually doesn’t treat people so well, but Willa is obviously special. Eric asks her if she truly wants to help and she says that she does because she hates what her father is doing. He digs a hole out in the woods where they’ll be buried together for her transition. Yeah, that’s right. That lucky bitch gets the gift of eternal life with ERIC! I’m so jealous. Eric is so tender with her, telling her that “it won’t hurt the way he does it” (sexual much?) and telling her that all the hatred that her father instilled in her will seep out and be replaced with wisdom and compassion. It was so romantic, dark, poetic, beautiful, sensual… I could go on forever. When Willa wakes up a with a shiny new set of fangs and a hankering for some fresh blood, Eric orders her to return to her father and prove to him that all vampires were once humans and convince him to stop his war against them. She unwillingly does as he says and when she sees her father he, of course, has an injury. She tries to eat him because the smell is too much for her to handle! God dammit, Willa! That’s not going to help anything. Eric should have known better than to send a newbie. Oh, and speaking of Governor Burrell, he’s with Sarah Newlin now, who is a raging bitch and doesn’t give a shit who Willa is/was. She wants her dead. Fangtastic.
Sam & Nicole: Lala, Sam, Emma and Nicole are still on the run from Alcide’s pack when they decide Nicole (who’s freaking out about the fact her friends are probably minced meat) needs a hospital for her leg. I totally agree because that shit looked nasty. Sam asks Lala to take the car back to Sam’s and he shifts into a horse to carry Emma and Nicole far out of town to get her some medical attention. Emma and Nicole ride Sam bareback to a shitty little motel for the night. Once Emma is zonked out in another room, Sam starts taking pulls of whisky. Yeah, I’d say he needs it after the last few days he’s had. Nicole’s thirsty too and Sam brings her the booze and sits next to her on the bed. They f*cking snuggle and make out.
What the holy hell, y’all? I have a couple of problems with this. For one, Luna died like a week ago. It seems a little soon to be canoodling with a new lass. Secondly, you know their breath smelled rank, especially since Sam was a f*cking horse like, 10 minutes ago. Maybe concierge hooked them up with some toiletries. I don’t really know. I can sort of understand their make out sesh. Near death experiences do tend to bring people together and Nicole is gorgeous. The jury’s still out on this duo.
Andy: He deserves the Father-Of-The-Year award for not dumping his freaky fae children in the middle of a gator swamp. I mean, he has no idea how to take care of one child, let alone 4 children that are growing faster than a damn chia pet on crack… and he actually loves them. He didn’t even get to see their latest transformation into full-blown adults. When Andy realizes that they are missing, he goes ape shit and calls the whole police force. He wants them to put out an APB on four white females between about 4 and 6.5 feet tall and between the ages of 8 and 50. Well, that narrows it down. Andy and Jason go to the convenient store where the girls were and talk to the clerk who had been glamoured. With the vamper blood still flowing in Jason, he rings the dude’s nuts with his nightstick. Yowza!
I don’t know if that was necessary. Andy puts two-and-two together about fairy blood and vampires and remembers talking to Bill about the girls the other night. He’s on his way to Bill’s but I don’t think he’s going to like what he finds. This should do wonders for the vampire/human war…
Oh, and Pam has been taken to Burrell’s camp along with Nora. Eek! Next week, Sookie demands answers from Barlow, Alcide body slams his pops and Andy comes a-knockin’ at Bill’s house. Plus, it looks like we’ll be getting a good Lala scene which is much needed.
I’ll leave you with this theory about Barlow and it may be far-fetched, but here it goes: The night Sookie’s parents died, and supposedly Warlow killed them, maybe he was actually there to save her. Remember Sook telling Jason their mom was scared of her? What if she was going to drive poor Sookie off the bridge or kill her and Warlow showed up and killed them instead, saving her. Now, he’s made his way out of fae-hell and he’s come to find her. I know, kind of crazy, right? Just throwing it out there! Leave your thoughts and predictions! Until next time… #FangsOut
Here’s a gif to tide you over until the next episode (you’re welcome).