I’m depressed. There were some funny moments, mostly thanks to Jason and Eric’s dorky alter ego, but for the most part I just feel hopeless and angry. Sure, it was nice seeing a new hottie on the show (Ben) and cool to watch Sookie form a light ball between her hands in her living room BUT Sam and LaLa got their asses beat, Jessica cried her bloody eyes out and I was forced to see more naked and bloody Lillith-esque bodies. Oh, and let’s not forget the blood hooker’s bones breaking, which was only slightly less disturbing that the “Bill/Lorena twisted neck, sex scene.” What I wouldn’t give to un-see that shit. Let’s get down to the dirty deets.
Sookie: Sook had a hell of a day. I mean, she never actually made it into work, but let’s face it, she’s not going to get fired so it doesn’t matter. She was too busy saving a halfling and meeting her faerie grandfather. I think that takes precedence over serving crawfish gumbo and pints of Budweiser to the townies at Merlotte’s. At least she TRIED to go to work, it’s just that on the way, she stumbles upon a super handsome half-fae who’d been attacked by a vampire. Being the good-natured person she is, she helps him to her house and bandages him up. His name’s Ben and he’s SMOKING hot. Sookie is smitten and shamelessly making flirty eyes at him. Now, I’m Team Eric and Sookie all the way, and I wouldn’t even mind seeing her with Alcide, but they’re both busy right now with a pending war on their races. In the meantime, Sook still needs to get her some (she got no love in season 5) and Ben is perfect. She can bake him apple pie and bond over their light beams and invasive mind-reading abilities. It should be a match made in heaven, but this is True Blood and I’m sure Ben has some skeletons in his closet. Anyway, he’s leaving her house and tells her he’s headed wherever the road leads him, but Sook takes him to the faerie forest instead where she says he’ll be safe. As soon as he expresses interest in her and asks her out, she shuts him down and says she’s not in a good place right now. Yeah, we’ll see how long that lasts. Sookie then gets to meet Niall, her grandfather and a faerie king, who teaches her how to defeat Warlow. He shows her how to concentrate her light into a ball of energy that could kill any vampire in her path. Here’s the catch: She can only use it once and when she does, she’ll no longer be a faerie. Who made up that stupid f*cking rule? There’s so much I wish I could say right now about Sookie and Niall because I’ve read all the books, but I’m guessing 90% of you haven’t so I’ll keep my mouth shut… but you should really read the books. Seriously, DO IT.
Bill: “You’re all gonna burn.” So…you’re referring to that deep vampire-apocalyptic hole that the entire main cast was burning up in flames in (while wearing extremely unflattering jumpsuits), right?! Da fucque. Remember how in last week’s recap we talked about how Bill had every single superhero power? Well, you can add one more to the list, because that joker can predict the future now. Bill spends most of the episode in a coma-well, sort of. He’s in some weird vampire-universe where Lilith (gasp!) is actually wearing clothes and has actually blow-dried her hair. Hey, it’s a step. Of course, we just couldn’t go the whole episode without seeing some naked bitches dripping in blood with bad slicked-back hair. If Megan Fox can’t even pull that shit off, don’t even try. Observe:
See what I mean? Anyways, before Bill slipped into his coma-de-porn with Lilith and her blood-covered posse, he was having visions of other vampires being tortured and killed. He even felt their pain. Talk about a whirl-wind of emotions. Bill is like a pregnant person on crack. He doesn’t know what’s happening to him, and poor Jessica is there to see him fall off the edge. Jessica spent the entire episode attempting (and praying) to get Bill out of his trance, and she even hired a human blood bag to try to lure him out of it. All that came out of that though was some weird kind of telekinesis. He bent that hooker two-ways from sideways, and then literally sucked her blood from her body and floated it to his mouth. I honestly don’t know what the f*ck to make of that, so I’m just going to let you marinate on it, season it, and bring that shit back to me next week. #FangsF*ckinOut
Eric: Ok, I LOVE seeing a nerdy Eric. He is so freaking adorable. Eric decided to take the human-vampire war into his own hands, and he infiltrated the Governor’s mansion. He decided to dress up like some wildlife-lovin’, tree-huggin’, bible-thumpin’ joker. The real hippie-man had an appointment with Governor Burrell, and Eric overheard he had an appointment while creeping outside the Governor’s house…and he took matters into his own hands. While Eric was pretending to be a measly old human, the Governor was putting on a naïve act. Eric tried to glamour the Governor into lifting the “vampires have no rights” ban, loving vampires, and calling off the human-vampire war. But, to his surprise, the Governor just laughed in his face and spat some noise about having magic contacts that prevent him from being glamoured. So…basically Eric just stared straight into the guy’s eyes and thought he was being all badass and then…
Eric was then ordered by the Governor to, “go to camp” with the Governor’s soldiers. I’m sorry, what camp? Does the Governor have a secret camp where he harbors captured vampires? Is this the same place where Bill had his vision of the entire cast being burned to flames? Ugh, I can’t take this. They can have Nora, that bitch is getting on my nerves, but they better not touch Eric. The writers must be on the same page, because they had Eric fly out of being captured, which in turn revealed to the officer’s that vampires can now fly. Great, now they’ll come up with some tactic to keep them from flying out of captivity. Eric doesn’t give up that easily on infiltrating the Governor of course, as the last scene we see is him floating all seductively into the Governor’s daughter’s room. She conveniently had taken out her “can’t glamour me” contacts just in time for him to glamour her into letting him in her room. Hopefully she doesn’t have a stake under her bed. Speaking of weapons that humans have against vampires…
Pam: We first see poor Pam crying over Tara as she is screaming in agony from being shot by the human police force with a silver bullet that emits UV rays. Um…say what? Yeah, the humans now have figured out vampire’s weak spots. Eric, of course, comes in to save the day and digs the bullet out of Tara’s flesh, and she ultimately starts to heal herself. Pam explodes on Eric, thinking he is not taking the human’s threats serious enough, and Eric yells at her and tells her he will take care of the humans and then instructs her and Nora to dig into the vampire bible for some more clues on what da fucque Billith is, and how they can survive this supernatural apocalypse. Pam says f*ck that, and slips into her token pink velour jumpsuit with a carton of 0-negative. What else is a girl to do? Nerdy Nora goes back to reading the bible, uncovers some misinterpreted verse, and swifts off to who knows where to investigate. Beforehand though, she’s sure to tell Pam how much Eric really loves her, and that he talked about her all the time, and the only reason he didn’t tell her he had a sister was because knowing that he had a sister in the Authority would have put her in great danger. Awww…
Pam just tried to act like a hard-ass, but we all know it made her feel a little bit better to hear that.
Sam: Okay, so there’s a lot to say about Sam. First of all, he’s just bee boppin’ around in Merlotte’s, minding his own business, when some biznatch named Nicole calls him out for being a shifter. She’s asking him to come out and start a movement, saying that the Governor isn’t going to stop at just vampires. I’m sure this is true. I’m sure that ALL supes are in trouble, but Sam can’t deal with this shit right now. He’s got to figure out what he’s going to do with Emma. Luckily, he’s got LaLa to have high tea with her, RuPaul style, while Sam’s busy making that dollar, but that’s just a temporary solution. This Nicole chick is making me nervous. She’s really aggressive and she knows way too much about Sam. I think she has some secrets of her own and I don’t trust her.
Nicole is the least of Sam’s problems, though, because Alcide, Martha and that one werewolf chick (the bottom bitch) show up at his trailer that evening. They want to take Emma and think it would be better for her to be with them. I’d say technically it is better for her to be with her own kind, but Sam made a promise to Luna and Sam’s an honorable mother f*cker. Then, something terrible happened… Alcide pissed me off. I know. I KNOW! It’s Abs-cide. But pushing around, no PUNCHING, Sam and LaLa is like shooting spit balls laced with rat poison at unicorns. It’s just so wrong. Then, watching Emma kick and scream, calling out for Sam as they carried her away. GOD DAMMIT, ALCIDE! That threesome turned you into a giant dick. Pun intended. You better redeem yourself in the next episode. Oh, and as for Nicole, she was taking pictures of the dog-napping incident. I knew she was up to no good.
Arlene: Don’t mess with Arlene, y’all! She was a fierce bitch in this episode. She was up all night taking care of Andy’s faerie brigade and then she has to bust her ass at work because Sookie didn’t show up. I loved that she called her and basically told her to get her ass out of bed and that she didn’t care what kind of night she had. Then, at Merlotte’s, Terry sees Patrick’s wife come in. Remember Terry’s ex-Army buddy, Patrick, that was involved in the fire monster hoopla and ended up going crazy and getting shot by Terry? Yeah, we almost forgot too. His wife is looking for him and Arlene tells her that he ran off with another woman, which is what she suspected anyway. Then, Arlene hugs and consoles her and offers some words of wisdom.
Another awesome Arlene moment? When the group of friends (including Nicole) came into Merlotte’s and said they were from L.A., she called them international. Ha! Oh, Arlene. I can always count on you to make me feel better about myself for dropping out of college.
Jason: Jason did a lot in this episode, and most of it was spending quality time with his faerie godfather. Yup, you heard that right. Jason and Sookie are descended from the most powerful and oldest fae blood line, and their grandpa is the King of all Faeries. Well, at least Sookie descends from them. As for Jason… not so much, and Grandpa Niall was sure to make that loud and clear.
Sorry, JStacks. At least you’re pretty. Anyways, Jason watched Niall jump into the loophole in the bathroom that Warlow had previously tried to get through, where he uncovered that Warlow has ESCAPED and is now on Earth, maybe even in Bon Temps. Niall then filled everyone in on the family history, where apparently, Warlow is obsessed with Sookie (go figure), and the entire Stackhouse fae line. He killed Niall’s whole village back in the day, including his parents, and was sent to some dark realm at some point so he couldn’t kill anyone else. He was ultimately freed, I’m assuming by that weird letter chillin’ on Sookie’s nightstand. Nice job, Sook. Jason is just trying to pick up the pieces and is set up to play Grandpa’s wingman. Adorable.
Andy, I feel so bad for you that I don’t even know what to say. This is literally a nightmare & you look terrified. I hope if you ever see Maurella again, you punch her in the f*cking ‘fae’ce.
I’m absolutely loving where they’re going with this season and how every character is involved in the main storyline. A war is upon us!! Next week, Eric kidnaps Governor Burrell’s daughter, Jason prepares to go after Warlow and Bill visits Sookie with his “new set of rules.” Leave your thoughts and comments, hookahs. Until next time… #FangsOut