True Blood has finally returned, and it feels so good! That hiatus seemed unnecessarily long. The first episode of the season completely blew me away and you know what made it even more amazing? The fact that Stephen Moyer directed it. The man is TALENTED. So, True Blood returned with a bang and it seems like all of our characters are in a world of trouble. Luna’s dead and Sam has Emma, Alcide is pack master, Bill is… well, Billith, Jason is still completely anti-fangs, the state of Louisiana is pledging a war on vampires and Andy has a menagerie of freaky faerie children. What a mess. Let’s get on down to the dirty deets.
Sookie: First off, I think we can all agree that Sook looks like her old, fierce self again. She played big sister to Jessica when she saw Jess was freaking out about seeing Bill, I mean “Billith” in his blood suit and hissing like a damn ally cat, and she stood up to Jason when he went all “redneck vampire slayer” on Nora. As much as I love how strong Sookie’s bond is with Jason, I agree with her in that Jason is wrong. J-Stacks needs to redneck-ognize that the world is changing, and all the supes are going to have to co-exist. I mean, look at Sook-she’s a fracking faerie! Sure, Eric drains people for his daily vitamins, but Sookie spits strobelights from her fingers and can read your mind better than Professor Xavier. Speaking of, is Sook out of light-juice? I remember last season she was running low, and she seemed to be in pain when she was using her light while her and Eric were stuck in the elevator while escaping the Authority’s lair. I guess we’ll find out…but any ways, how adorable are Sookie and Eric? I know Bill was her first love, but Eric is her TRUE love. Go ahead, challenge me. Tell me how freaky Billith and his bad bikini-waxed alter ego can give Sook a better life than Eric and his royal-Viking roots, unlimited bank account, and sexy smolder. #puhlease
Bill: In the words of Lala, “what the hell be wrong with you, boy?” I appreciate that you were cool, calm, collected, (and clothed) once Sook and crew found you after you, “called” Jessica, but that show you put on at the Authority’s ex-lair was extremely gross and uncalled for. Not to mention, you have no idea what is happening to you. Apparently not only do you have flying capabilities, but you can liquefy yourself, get staked and not explode, and oh yeah-you can levitate shit. You have like every X-men’s power put into one super vamp. The only problem is, you are bat-shit crazy and no one wants to be around you except for your prodigy, Jessica (we’ll get to her in a minute). I don’t really know where your character is going, but I think you may be the one and only person/supe who can defeat Warlow (as Lilith was his sire)… and that may be the only thing can redeem you, and possibly win back Sookie’s heart. Because after that beautiful scene between her and Eric, you’re going to need all the help you can get.
Eric: This dude is noble as Tyrion Lannister’s left ball. He gets Sookie out of the Authority’s lair and away from Billith, picks up everyone else in an SUV, tries to protect Nora from crazy Jason, attempts to single-handedly take out Billith, signs the house back over to Sookie and tells Nora not to f*ck with her to top it all off. He didn’t even mind when Sookie rescinded his invitation into her house because he cares more about her being safe and getting her life back than his own selfish needs and wants. Looks like Eric will be playing the (semi) good guy this season while Bill’s off riding the crazy train. Did you see the way he looked at Sookie when they were in her house? He freaking loves her. And when he said, “I’ll always remember you as the girl in the white dress who walked into my bar” to Sook after he STABBED himself in the arm and gave her back her home?! *swoons* My only beef with him right now is that he’s being a straight asshole to Pam.
Eric, I know you’re busy right now with Billith, an impending human/vampire war and the fact your bar is about to get shut down, but she’s your daughter. I hope these two hug it out soon because I hate seeing Pam hurt. Speaking of…
Pam & Tara: Poor Pamela. She’s confused and pissed by how the f*cking French she never knew he had a sister. Hey, I’d be upset too. Her and Eric are supposed to be the ultimate besties. Plus, he doesn’t seem to want to discuss anything with her, seemingly preferring Nora at the moment. Ouch! She stomps off to the beach to have a little hissy fit and declare her hatred for “fish piss and sand in her cooch.” Here’s what is awesome, though: Tara. She’s calling Pam on all her shit and you can tell she sincerely cares about her. When Pam’s crying, she just puts her arm around her to comfort her. I’m already loving these two because they’re exactly what each other needs. The duo is at Fangtasia later that night when a SWAT team busts into Fangtasia and tells them they’re shutting the place down. They have the lasers on their guns pointed at Pam, who’ve they forced to kneel, and Tara just can’t handle it. She jumps up on the bar and tries to defend Pam, so they end up vamp-tazing Tara. I already hate this Governor fellow. He says he wants to bring in revenue for the state, yet he’s shutting down money-making establishments. What a dill-hole. He’s definitely up to no good.
Jessica: Bless her undead heart. Jessica makes it out of the Authority lair with the rest of the gang, obviously worried about the fate of her maker. When she hears Nora talking to Eric about killing Lillith, now Billith, she wigs out. Sookie tries to comfort a crying Jessica on the beach, telling her even though they love him they might have to let him go. Jessica also gets “called” by Bill in a brutal way. She feels him tugging her to him and she starts spewing blood and writhing around in pain when Eric tries to stop her. It is literally killing her to not be able to go to him. And I thought the need to reach my bottle of red at 5pm on a Friday was borderline unbearable. Sookie goes with Jessica to find Bill and discover him chilling on his porch at home acting like… normal Bill. When Sookie stakes Bill and tells him to leave town, Jessica instantly defends her maker saying that he’s not going anywhere and she’s staying with him. How can you blame her? It’s the only family she has and he’s been so good to her. He even tucks her in like a f*cking five year old before retiring to read a book in a boss leather chair in his office. Okay, so Jess may be a little naïve about Bill’s current situation. Maybe if her true love, JASON, wasn’t so far off the deep end right now, he could help steer her in the right direction. I just want Jason to get married, like yesterday.
Jason: Gosh darnit Jason, can’t you just shut up and look pretty? You are what my mom likes to call, “nice house, nobody home.” No one asked you to save the world, so stop acting like all supes are bad, and that anything “unnatural” needs to be terminated. You’re the asshole that keeps seeing his dead racist parents everywhere. Speaking of, don’t you think if they really cared about you, they would have given you a head’s up that their KILLER WAS GIVING YOU A LIFT HOME?! I mean sheesh. Some creepy old guy that looks like Rumplestilksken picks you up, spits creepy riddles to “pass the time during the car ride”, and you don’t think that it’s a little odd? I will give you one thing, though, you were hesitant at first and got your gun out. But all it took was one distracting comment and you thought Warlow was f*cking Santa Claus. You want to play with the big boys, J-Stacks? Well then take off that jock strap and put on your army boots, because there’s a war coming, and you better decide what team you’re playing for. #micdrop
Alcide: Well, other than the fact that you had to eat some dude’s arm in the middle of the wood’s, I’d say life is treating you pretty good right now. Alcide officially became “pack master”, as he ate the flesh of the old master he had slain. He also, apparently, is the hottest bachelor this side of the Mississippi. Those bitches were like vultures. I mean, I can’t blame them-his six, I mean EIGHT-pack, was even more defined and hotter than I remembered. Some newb werewolf with Kardashian hair offered herself to him, and decided the right thing to do would be to engage in nasty sex in the middle of the woods. Rikki wasn’t down for this, though (#punintended), and showed the new girl who Alcide’s, “number one bitch” is. I felt like I was watching a porn-themed episode of ‘The Bachelor’ with a supernatural twist.
Yeah, Alcide. Have fun with that. Because that’ll end well…
Sam: His storyline is tragic right now. Why is Sam constantly getting shit on? Luna dies in the beginning of the episode and poor Emma has to watch. As if the poor girl isn’t already scarred for life and emotionally damaged enough. Can we say, “life long therapy sessions boys and girls”? RIP Luna. We’ll miss you, but it makes it a little bit easier to say goodbye knowing that you’re alive and well over on the CW’s new hit show “Arrow”. Anyway, Sam (still covered in blood and vampire innards) heads over to Merlotte’s with Emma in tow. He finds Lafayette there who says he’s been holding down the fort/drinking. Emma wakes up and announces her mom died and she’s hungry. Is it just me, or is she taking this all surprisingly well? I mean, she just watched her mom die and was recently forced to stay in puppy-form and play pet to Steve Newlin. That all has to be exhausting. So Lala, being the sweetest damn person in the world that he is, offers to cook her up some deep-fried deliciousness. I don’t even know where Sam goes from here, except into a deep depression filled with fifths of Jack and pints of Ben & Jerry’s. He’s got Emma to look out for now, though, and it looks like all supes are in trouble with this new Governor waging war. As for Lala, we didn’t get to see too much of him but he had the best lines of every character combined in a matter of just 3 minutes, so I’m okay with that. Best line of the night…
Andy: Where do I even start? Andy brings his circle of fae babes to Terry and Arlene’s and just kicks back while Arlene changes the poopy diapers and feeds them. Arlene, being the fierce bitch she is, isn’t having none of that. She tells Andy he can’t just dump his children on them and that he needs to shape up. Aw, hog tits Arlene! Obviously, the man is terrified. Who the hell can blame him? I’m not sure I could take care of one baby, let alone a whole herd of them. It get’s worse though. Andy wakes up to the babies saying “What’s up, Dad,” only they’re not babies anymore. They’re full-fledged TODDLERS! Da fucque have they been feeding these kids? So, now we know full-blooded fae grow abnormally fast, kind of like Renesmee from Twilight. It’s f*cking creepy as shit, but at least you don’t have to deal with bottle feeding, poopy diapers and all the unnecessary crying anymore. Come to think of it, this situation is awesome. Andy just saved a shit ton of money on pre-school, groceries and doctor bills and is a hell of a lot closer to getting them out of the house and on their way. He didn’t even have to teach them to talk. I would actually venture to say he f*cking lucked out here.
If this episode is any indication, this season is going to be amaze-balls. All the characters will be effected by this human/supe war, bringing all of their storylines together. Plus, we have at least two or three Big Bad’s in the mix this season: Warlow, Billith (whatever/whoever he is) and Governor Burrell. Speaking of Warlow, I need to know more! I’m still calling that Bill is the only one that can defeat him. What do you think? And what/who do you think Bill technically is right now? Share your thoughts about this episode and your predictions for season six. Until next time… #FangsOut
Oh yeah, and here’s this to hold you over until next week: