The Vampire Diaries Recap – 4×18 “American Gothic”

This episode was one giant “da fucque” moment after the next. Evan Bleiweiss and Jose Molina, who co-wrote this episode, deserve high praise for bringing us such a fun and hilarious episode. It’s been a while. Way to go! Also, Nina Dobrev deserves a standing ovation for portraying both Elena and Katherine so well. She’s somehow created a distinct difference between the two characters which is impressive. You rock Nina! I don’t even know what the best part of last night was. Elena making out with Elijah? Klaus being shirtless the entire episode? The return of our favorite vamp bitch, Katherine? In this episode, Silas proved that he can play dirty, Rebekah acts as Elena’s body-guard, and Elena makes the point that she doesn’t want to be cured very clear. Let’s get down to the dirty deets…

"Snap my neck. I don't give a fucque." #PerksOfNoEmotions

“Snap my neck. I don’t give a fucque.” #PerksOfNoEmotions

Elena: Elena and Rebekah make it to the small town in Pennsylvania and it’s not long before they realize Katherine’s compelled the whole town. Although Elena thoroughly pissed me off at moments in this episode, she was quite hilarious. I mean, her copying Katherine’s lines in the diner and ordering her to hand over her shoes? Priceless. Rebekah looked amused (and impressed) as well. After snatching Katherine’s phone and seeing that she’s supposed to meet someone named “EM” at 2pm that day, she heads off to take her place. I don’t think she expected “EM” to be Elijah and she certainly didn’t expect Elijah to kiss her and say he missed her. Whoa! Katherine’s been with Elijah! It’s not too surprising considering their history. Elijah calls her on her shit pretty quickly though, and Elena starts asking him why he’s with Katherine anyway, telling him she’s a monster and not the girl she used to be. You’re one to talk, Elena. Katherine comes up behind her and snaps her neck. When she comes to, she asks Stefan and Damon to meet her at the diner in town to talk. Damon and Stefan are still babbling on about getting her the cure and just when you think Stefan’s little “you stuck by me until I got my humanity back and we’re going to do the same for you” speech was sinking in, she snaps the waitresses neck. AH! Say what?

Well… ok then. #BitchMove. She threatens that if they don’t stop trying to get her the cure, she’ll kill anywhere from 1-100 more people. It’s official. This bitch does not give a f*ck. I honestly DO NOT like her like this. Not one bit. She’s worse than Katherine, and that’s saying a lot. I don’t want her to take the cure necessarily, but I hope someone finds a way to flip her humanity switch in its upright and locked position.

"Oh yeah, I'm hot. I don't need Elena. I can get anyone I want." #ItsAboutTime

“Oh yeah, I’m hot. I don’t need Elena. I can get anyone I want.” #ItsAboutTime

Stefan: Praise the Lord. Hallelujah. Stefan finally got some killer lines in this episode. He was getting drab, depressing and falling behind the scenes recently. The Stefan we love was back in this episode, making sure Damon knew that his plan to let Elena “have a little fun” completely blew up in his face. I think he was totally reveling in the fact that he was right and Damon was wrong, but in a friendly way of course. Stefan helped Damon track down Elena and Rebekah, following them to the cream corn capital of Pennsylvania. They are able to track down Katherine and Rebekah but Elena’s already jacked all Katherine’s accessories and taken off to meet “EM”. I don’t know where the f*cking crack rocks Stefan was while Damon and Rebekah went treasure hunting around in Katherine’s poorly decorated house, but he pops in right in time to watch Rebekah guzzle down the cure. He knew that shit was fake, because it’s Stefan and he’s a genius. Plus, he calls Damon out for not even trying to stop her. My favorite Stefan moment of the night? Him telling Damon that once they get the cure for Elena, he’s going to cut her out of his life and start fresh. He says he just can’t do this anymore. YES! I’m so happy that Stefan realizes he deserves more than some, “she loves me, she loves me not” life. That’s no way to live, especially when you’re the hottest vamp around and could have anyone you wanted. Now go find you a sexy supernatural creature, get your freak on and get over bitch-lena.

"I'm getting too old for this shit."

“I’m getting too old for this shit.”

Damon: He can NOT be happy with himself for letting the girls get the jump on him. He’s doubtful that Katherine would live in a cream corn capital, but ALAS she does. When they’re in town and find Rebekah and Katherine, Damon believes that the cure must be at her house. So, he goes with Rebekah and Katherine to her house to search for it. He’s sleuthing around when he spies a fish tank… with no fish. Yeah, that’s suspect. He tries to reach his hand in there to ‘fish’ around, but quickly (and painfully) discovers that the water is laced with vervain. #Crafty. Katherine dipped Damon’s face in the fish tank. His face? Really? I know it heals but damaging that face should be a federal crime. Katherine bolts and Rebekah swipes the vile that they think is the cure and Damon doesn’t even stop her, even though he totally could have. He knows in his heart that he’s scared shitless off Elena becoming human again. Rebekah taking the cure would be the easy way out in his mind. Let me tell you something Damon, no-humanity Elena is ten times worse than human Elena. This is a lose-lose situation. Regardless, don’t count on having any kind of relationship with this crazy bitch for a long time. Good thing you have a few centuries to wait around. AND if Stefan keeps his word, he’ll be out of the picture. Doubtful though.

"At least I'm the hottest doppelganger."

“At least I’m the hottest doppelganger.”

Katherine: The bitch is back! Kitty Kat was up to her old tricks in this episode, as it was revealed that she has been getting sideways with Elijah, all in hopes of him convincing Klaus to give her freedom for all eternity. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do…right? Apparently not, because once Elena’s emotionless bitch-ass brought Elijah back to reality, he was effing pissed. Elena also dropped the bomb that Katherine oh…I don’t know…KILLED JEREMY. Yeah, she’s a bitch. Freaking ridiculous. Then, just as we love/hate Katherine for being the conniving hooker she is, we enter her home with weird patterned fabric couches and fish tanks, and see that she is just a, “tortured soul trying to live a normal life, and no one really knows her.” #BULLSHIT. Called that one. You’d have to be a blind elephant in a storage unit to not run into that lie. Damon calls her bluff and reaches into the fish tank full of…VERVAIN! He gets a worse sunburn then my little brother on Spring Break circa 1999, and the cure slips from his blistered fingers. Stefan shows up two minutes too late (of course), and Rebecca snatches “the cure” from Damon. We all know how that turned out. ANYWAYS, Katherine has a coming to Jesus at the end of the episode and turns the real cure over to Elijah and confesses how she wants to repent for her sins. Are the writers real about this? If so, I hate to say it #TVDFamily, but we are being set up for a Katherine send off. You heard it here first…if Katherine truly wants to redeem herself, we will see her sacrifice herself for someone (Elijah?). #dramatic #howTVDdoesit. But back to Elijah… I want to dive into his heightened sense of being played like a fifteen year old that just got his first hard-on.

"Seriously, I am so.fucking.classy."

“Seriously, I am so.fucking.classy.”

Elijah: The hair and the suit are back in action! It’s nice to see Elijah hasn’t changed much. He’s still the wise and classy as f*ck man he’s always been. Lord knows we need some one whose moral compass points north around these parts. So, the last person that Elena probably thought she was going to be meeting was Elijah and it became evident quite quickly that he and Katherine had been getting their horizontal Humpty Dumpty on. Yeah, you know what I’m saying? But really, we can tell that Elijah sincerely cares about Katherine and is worried about her well-being when Elena appears instead of her. When Elena tells him that Katherine killed Jeremy, Elijah realizes that she’d never told him that and he’s pissed. Elijah: “She lied.” Elena: “No shit Sherlock.” He calls Katherine out when he sees her, saying the he can’t trust her and asks her if he’s just another stepping stone in her path to freedom from Klaus. Katherine hands over the real cure to him in a gesture that shows she really trusts and loves him (we think). Elijah and Rebekah are reunited. They hug it out and then take off for Mystic Falls. If there is anyone I trust making decisions about the cure, it’s Elijah. We’ll see how it all shakes out once he’s dealing with Klaus, though. For being wise, noble, classy and sexual as f*ck in that suit, Elijah is receiving the coveted #PUREMAN hashtag this week.

Congratulations. We don’t just give that shit out all willy nilly.

*Picking daises petals* "To be human, or not to be..."

*Picking daisy petals* “To be human, or not to be…”

Rebekah: Does feeling human have a heightened sense of having a switchblade thrown at your face? Didn’t think so. Mind over matter my ass. Just because you, “thought you took the cure,” doesn’t mean that you really did and that you’re a meekly little human. Listen, we want you to be happy. But being human isn’t going to solve all your problems. Let me spell this out for you: you’ve been a human for like, what, 20 TOPS years? You’ve been a vamp for 1,000+. Da fucque do you know about being human? I’m not even thirty, and I just had to tap into my wine fund to buy some decent anti-wrinkle eye cream. And guess what? I couldn’t compel Janet from the Kiehl’s counter at Saks to give it to me for free, either. Appreciate what the dark magic gave you and just ride that shit out.

*thinking of painting Caroline in a meadow of tulips and sunshine*

*thinking of painting Caroline in a meadow of tulips and sunshine*

Klaus & Caroline: After Silas white oak staked Klaus, he’s left wallowing in pain at his house because he can’t get all the pieces of the stake out of his back. He calls Caroline over for help, and when she comes over she tells him that she doesn’t want to kill him yet because she needs him to get the cure for him. Aw snap! Caroline isn’t Caroline at all. Silas is just wearing Caroline’s meat suit to trick Klaus. Well, more like he was just appearing to Klaus as Caroline to get in his head, but whatever. If Silas can look like anyone at any time, just imagine the havoc he could wreak in Mystic Falls. Imagine him appearing as Elena to Damon or Stefan and totally just f*cking things up. The real Caroline finally shows up after receiving about a hundred texts from Klaus and he’s like, “Care, is that really you?” She’s like,

She’s not happy with him though, seeing how he pulled her away from her prom committees to play Operation on his wounded body. She uses this opportunity to punish him for the pain he’s caused everyone and for running Tyler out of town. If she wasn’t actually enjoying it, she would have left him there or just helped him and got it over with. Instead, she hangs around and talks to him and stares at him shirtless until he persuades her to help him by using the old, “I’m an Original. If I die, a shit ton of people die” trick. Works every time. All of a sudden he’s not in pain anymore. His pain wasn’t real, just a Jedi mind trick Silas used to show him who’s boss. Damn. That joker is serious. Klaus, you’re no longer the alpha. When Caroline’s about to leave, Klaus grabs her arm *cue me screaming Klaroline at my TV* and tells her thank you and that they should be friends now. Friends? It better be more like friends with benefits. I hope their little departing smirks mean that they’ll be getting it on at least once before Klaus permanently moves to New Orleans and finds a new love interest. #FingersCrossed. #SpinoffProblems.

Where do we even go from here with the cure? Silas and Klaus want the cure to ensure their survival, Katherine wants the cure as leverage for her freedom, Rebekah wants the cure to become human again and Damon and Stefan want the cure to stop Elena from being such a raging bitch. I have a feeling this means none of the above will be getting it. Maybe it’ll get shoved down someone’s throat who doesn’t want it. Katherine? Caroline? Damon? OR maybe they’ll accidentally drop it on the ground and a bald eagle will swoop down and carry it far away and feed it to their babies and then no one will get to take it. You just never know.

Anyway, the writers must have realized it’s been way too long since we’d last seen the characters in haute couture at a formal event, because next week they’re all going to PROM. YES! At least if someone dies there, it’ll be in high-fashion. In the next episode, we can also expect to see Stefan and Damon play ball in the house, Damon warn Elena not to eat the prom queen and Elena cozy up to Stefan on the dance floor (scandalous). Leave your thoughts, comments and predictions. Until next time… #FangsOut



Listen to music from “American Gothic”.

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