The Walking Dead Recap – 3×09 “The Suicide King”

The Walking Dead

Somehow, we survived the terrible two month hiatus. It was worth the wait. The Walking Dead returned with an action packed and heart-wrenching episode. This show literally stresses me out more than anything in the world. I’m actually thinking about asking AMC to pay for my therapy sessions. Anyway, in this episode Daryl takes a walk in the woods with Merle, Andrea continues to be a dumb ass and stays in Woodbury and Rick has a disturbing hallucination (seriously, he’s f*cking lost it). Let’s get on down to the dirty deets.

Rick The Walking DeadRick: Well, I am not even going to try to justify his actions with an explanation. There’s only one explanation, and that is that Rick is f*cking nuts. Off the deep end, tied to a coffin full of sand at the bottom of the ocean, knee-deep in zombie shit. Rick is on the crazy train, and he’s the mother effing conductor. He is choo-choo-ing all the way to crazy town, and it’s not a round trip. Boy ain’t coming back. Ok, you get the picture. Lori looked great in that hallucination, though. Death sure is treating her well! Carl is starting to get a serial killer stink eye (watch out Michonne!), and Rick’s breakdown is not helping the situation. And poor Hershel! I feel so bad he has to be the gynecologist, family physician, social worker, and now psycho therapist. The least someone could do is find the guy a damn wheelchair. His armpits have to be chaffing like hot damn sandpaper. Rick-just listen to him! You need the man power! Did you see Tyrese’s arms? That guy could take out a whole cell block of Walkers. Oh, wait, he already DID THAT. Season 1 Rick would have been all over these newbs, but I think we’ve clarified that Rick is gone, and he is NEVER coming back.

The GovThe Gov: We didn’t see much of you, and I am extremely thankful for that. I don’t even think you’re a raving lunatic, I don’t even think you’re a douche, I just hate you. You are #purevil. A real “Governor” doesn’t throw siblings in a ring full of flesh-eating zombies because he has small-penis syndrome. So you’re insecure and on a power trip. Throw a gala in your honor. Have a parade down the streets of Woodbury. You can even use that boss tank you stole from the soldiers you murdered in cold blood. Don’t go all medieval and hold a jousting match where the Dixon brothers have to fight to the death. God. What an asshole. You and Andrea can go be gross together and have stupid post-apocalyptic babies. I’m cutting this short. I’m so over this dick-wad. #GandreasGross

DarylDaryl: Baby, I love you, but your stubborn trailer ass has got to get it together. Merle is your brother, I get it, but I want you to think about this. Remember like, 3 hours prior, when you were on a rescue mission for Glaggie? Remember how they had bags over their heads and they were about to be executed? You were saving them from your PSYCHO JUNKIE BROTHER. And what are you next steps? Run off into the woods with him and his knife-less nub? He might as well have a bowl of Jello at the end of that contraption because all y’all got now is your crossbow (PS that was awesome how you jacked that during your Woodbury escape). I think Daryl leaving #TeamPrison was the straw that broke the zombie’s back for Rick. When Rick realized he really lost his first mate, and then looked back and saw a beaten Asian boy and his farmer girlfriend as his only backup, he hit rock bottom. Daryl is the f*cking mold, people. He is the mortar in their brick wall. He is the ribbon to their corset. He is the aid to their band. UGH. Get it together! And poor Carol! I won’t even get into that shit. *bawling my eyes out*.

AndreaAndrea: In the words of Antoine Dodson, “You are so dumb. You are really dumb.” (If you don’t get that reference, here you go and you’re welcome.) Bitch, he tried to kill your bestie, you witnessed him cradling his walker daughter in a pool of zombie heads, he held a barbaric showdown for fun, he tried to kill Daryl and he straight up degraded you (more than once). You would think this would be enough to make you walk away, but no. Instead, you give the town of Woodbury and little pep talk and continue to stick around and hang with the Gov. At this point, I’m not really sure what other red flags you need to make you get the f*ck out of that town. I’m so done with you and your continuous flow of shitty life decisions. Lock it down Andrea.

glennGlenn/Maggie: He was being a little bitch in this episode but think about what he just went through. He was held captive, beaten to a bloody pulp, had a walker thrown at him and had to bust out of a chair to kill it, witnessed Maggie getting totally disgraced, had a gun to his head (more than once) and then had to sit there and listen to Merle’s bitch ass talk shit to him while Daryl tried to convince the gang to let Merle come back to the prison. Oh, hell naw! Of course Glenn is going to fly off the handle. I have no doubt him and Maggie will make up. They have to! I’m sure Maggie understands that a situation like that can really make someone freak the f*ck out. P.S. Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVE Maggie & Glenn together? #GlaggieForever

HershelHershel: You wise old f*cker you. Daddy Hersh always knows best. He’s so perfect at throwing a few quick comforting words at someone who’s emotionally weak and then just walking away to let them marinate on that shit. Seriously though, his heart-to-heart with Maggie was so sweet. “Don’t disappear on me.” Jesus! *cue tears* He even tried to talk some sense into Rick about Tyrese and it was going to work, until Rick saw Lori in Grecian garb on the balcony and his brain took a shit on itself. Like I said, he’s probably going to be the one to handle Rick’s mental breakdown too because that’s just how he rolls. I really hope Hershel’s leg doesn’t deliver him to death because I love him… and the group probably couldn’t survive without a doctor. #TeamDaddyHersh4Life

TYreseTyrese & Co.: Even though Rick is hesitant to let them join the group, I think he will realize that their group needs to be replenished (when he regains his sanity). Rick, you are going to need all the help you can get without Daryl and these people actually seem decent. Plus, they can’t be THAT worthless if they’ve made it alone this long. I know that Tyrese is a big part of the comics, so I’m ready to see where they’re going to take his character. If you want spoilery deets on the comic book character, BLAMMO! There you go. He seems pretty darn interesting. These people just better feel f*cking honored if they get to join this zombie ass-kicking team.

I didn’t see enough Michonne and I sure as shit didn’t see enough Daryl. Michonne better prove she’s an asset to the group and not just a stink-eye dishin’, samurai sword-weildin’ Debby Downer or else she’s going to get thrown out on her own (I don’t know if she really cares though). No one wants to be stuck in a jail cell with a mute party pooper. For God’s sake, the zombie apocalypse is already depressing enough. I don’t know where Rick’s little breakdown leaves the group. That’s the last thing they need now that Daryl is gone. Maybe Tyrese will step up and be a leader. Oh, and I’m still sticking to my theory that Judith (and the new generation) holds some sort of cure or immunity. Only time will tell. Next week, it looks like the gang will be deciding whether they should stay or leave the prison, The Gov continues to boss Andrea around and Daryl gets to slay some Walkers. Until next time…

We’ll leave you with this awesome Daryl Gif Of The Week:



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