Okay. Let’s all just take a deep breath. Let’s wipe the tears and what-the-f*ck-just-happened looks off our faces and try to compose ourselves. It’s not working. AMC took our breath away with a completely badass, kickass, f*cking amazing episode and then BAM!, they tell you that you’ll have to wait until February for more. I’m sorry, say what?
NO! But, I don’t want to wait two months to see my sweet Prince of the Trailer Park (Daryl), Rick and Michonne take down the one-eyed Governor. Ugh! This is so frustrating. I guess we better go ahead and get down to the dirty deets:
Rick: The Ricktator and gang begin this episode sneaking into Woodbury with the guidance of Michonne. Their attack is actually pretty f*cking boss as they’re throwing stink bombs and swooping in to grab Glaggie as they are about to be executed. DA FUCQUE?! Rick is spotted, and he takes the crew into a shop to hide while he devises a plan. Rick decides to stink-bomb the street and escape through the smoke. The crew is actually doing pretty well until Rick loses his mind AGAIN. Oh Rick, please don’t go crazy on us yet again! Rick saw a hallucination of Shane walking towards him with a gun, and he shoots him. THEN in the midst of the battle ground Rick walks towards this joker’s body and sees that it’s definitely NOT Shane, just a dude with a goatee and similar facial features. #honestmistake. NOT! Rick is the one that fracking killed Shane (twice) in the first place. He needs to lock that shit down. I honestly think he is losing his freaking mind. I mean, is there lead in the prison walls or something? Maggie starts screaming at him because the nameless prison guy (told you he’d die before we’d figure out his name) gets blasted in the chest, and Rick finally snaps out of it and runs over to her. UGH. We see in the promos that Carl is talking to Rick about why he shouldn’t be the leader anymore, and I think it has something to do with the fact that he is schizophrenic. UGH. Come on, Rick! Anybody in there?
The Gov: Wow. Where do you even start with this dude? I could go another five thousand years without seeing Penny’s dead ass again. Listen, Gov! You’re bonding moments with your “daughter” are creepy as f*ck, and no one wants to see that shit. Plus, why is she so well-dressed and well-groomed? Did you and your militia recently raid a Gap Kids? Because that bitch dresses better than I do, and she’s rotting in a cubby hole with a bag on her head. When the town gets raided by Rick and gang, the Gov snaps into action mode and degrades the shit out of Andrea (who’s a fiercer warrior than your stupid wannabe soldiers). It doesn’t matter though, because it doesn’t deter her from sticking around Woodbury with the Gov and making poor life decisions. Anyway, the Gov finds Michonne in his secret lair just as she’s one swift samurai sword swipe away from decapitating Penny. The Gov says, “bitch, you better not,” and Michonne pauses looking at him like the stark raving lunatic that he is. This doesn’t stop Michonne from stabbing Penny right through the throat, staining her freshly pressed white cardigan and sending the Gov into a tailspin. Then, we witness one of the best scenes we’ve ever seen on the show. The Gov and Michonne go at it, zombie heads go flying and Michonne ends up stabbing the Gov in the eye with a piece of fish tank glass. That is SO f*cking unsanitary. That scene was straight balls to the wall. My jaw was on the floor. This was pretty much me:
With less feathers and more screaming. We severely underestimated the Gov. He didn’t even miss a beat when his eyeball got gauged out. Well, he did take a quick moment to grieve by cradling his dead daughter and sobbing while sitting in a puddle of zombie head juice and broken glass. BUT THEN he went straight to providing the town of Woodbury a public execution, Dixon brothers style. This one-eyed douche is going to be out for blood, and I fear that will mean lots of trouble for our prison gang.
Andrea: Girl. You sure are taking the fact that your boyfriend is a certified freak show pretty lightly. What is wrong with you?! Let’s just walk through what happened: You walked in on your boyfriend getting the shit kicked out of him by your ex-bestie (who saved your life like 100x’s), then you notice that your boyfriend has human AND zombie heads in Vaseline-liquid-filled fish tanks, THEN (here’s the cherry on top) you witness him hugging his zombie daughter. Oh, wait. It gets worse. Not only is he hugging his dead zombie daughter (pun intended), she is dressed in firmly pressed clothes with a new barrette and fierce blowout. So not only has he kept his zombie daughter close to him, he has kept her perfectly groomed. DO WE HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?! S-E-R-I-A-L…K-I-L-L-E-R…S-H-I-T! I thought you’d turn the gun on the Gov after seeing that, but your perplexed naïve-ness instead just walks him to the local hospital so you both can chat and “process” what just happened. You know what? I wasn’t even pissed at you for not breaking up with the Gov once you uncovered his secret, because you’re an idiot, and I kind of expected this reaction. What REALLY chaps my ass is that you watched DARYL get thrown into the lion’s den with MERLE! OMFG!!!!
Daryl: Oh baby…oh my sweet prince…UGHHHHHH! I cannot BELIEVE that Merle has once again spiraled you into the disastrous snowball that is Woodbury and its infectious bad luck. Did anyone else pass out when the Gov pulled the bag off Daryl’s head?! I even felt bad for Merle (just for like a split nano-second) because his face was as hurt as mine. Daryl didn’t even looked scared because he’s a f*cking badass mofo with NO FEAR. #truth. He just looked a little surprised, actually. If any of those Woodbury folk knew how amazing Daryl was and that he could make a sash made of vermin they would NEVER have rooted for his demise. The producers recognize that we needed to see Daryl in some sort of escape route in the previews (otherwise we would all boycott the show DUH), so I am at least glad to see he gets his crossbow back and starts running through the woods come next February. UGH. February. Talk about the longest most unnecessary hiatus EVER. Let’s be honest, they could tell us The Walking Dead won’t come back till October 2016, and we’d all wait patiently. #realtalk. ANYWAYS, Daryl is my forever #PrinceOfTheTrailerPark, and the fact that he is stuck in Woodbury with the Gov as the ringleader makes me want to bang my head against the wall like one million times. No one could put me in a good mood after seeing that. I am still sitting on my grandmother’s hand-me-down couch wallowing in my sorrows. #DarylForLife
Michonne: How the hell did Michonne get so cool and fearless? What do you think her profession was before the zombie apocalypse? There are only a few professions in this world that require that level of fearlessness and badass-ness: Lion tamers, rattle snake wranglers and the guy that cleans the outside of the windows on the Empire State Building. I have a feeling she didn’t do any of these things, so we’ll have to just wait and find out. ANYWAYS, Michonne breaks formation and leaves Rick and crew to fight for themselves. #rude. She has a personal vendetta against the Gov, and she’s hell-bent on sending him to his grave. She sat waiting in his apartment with her sword ready when she heard a noise. “Da fucque was that?” she said and went to investigate. She stumbled upon the wall of zombie heads and a locked up little girl. Once she pulled the potato sack off the girl’s head, she realized she was a damn walker! I can’t imagine the rank smell wouldn’t have given that away, but who knows. The epic Gov/Michonne fight ensued, and just as Michonne was about to kill the Gov, Andrea’s bitch ass stopped her. Can you imagine Michonne’s rage at this moment? After everything that her and Andrea had been through, she threatened to shoot her in order to protect some f*cker who’s obviously living in bizarro world! Michonne reunited with Rick, who tore her a new asshole for leaving them, and she told him that he’s going to need her for their trek back to the prison. I just can’t wait to see these two truly team up and take down the Gov. I know it’s coming!
Glaggie: BEST COUPLE EVER ALERT! (After me and Daryl, of course.) Seeing those two together reminds me of how unlucky I am. Even through a zombie apocalypse, they love each other and fight to keep their perfectness alive. Since Glenn rigged a wooden nub and stabbed a zombie last week, his creative juices seem to be flowing because he decides to make some more DIY crafts. He takes the radius and spinator bones from the Walker he killed and creates some homemade shanks for him and Mags to stab their captors with. (I just Googled “arm bones”, so if I named the wrong ones all you biology majors better just brush that shit off. My BIO101 class was like 6 years ago so it’s been a minute. And I got a D+. #truth). ANYWAYS, the bad guys pushed Maggie and Glenn to their knees and put bags over their heads. The fact that they were so close to death in this moment just broke my heart. Not Glaggie! PLEASE!
Then, Rick and team swooped in to save the day! Hip hip hurray! Maggie and Glenn are saved! Maggie turned into the straight fierce bitch she always is and joined in the action, firing shots into the smoke and helping Glenn to safety. God, I love her. Glenn drops the bomb on Daryl that Merle is the one who beat him to a pulp, and Rick and crew drag him (literally) out of Woodbury. Glenn needs some medical attention stat, so I’m anticipating Maggie will take the car while the Ricktator saves Daryl with the assistance of Michonne. Guess we will find out TWO MONTHS FROM NOW when the show comes back. #hiatus’ssuck
Merle: This dude is off his damn rocker. On one hand (pun intended), I want to give him a chance because he’s related to Daryl, and I love Daryl so much that I have hope Merle can one day become more like him. Can you imagine Merle getting his attitude in check and kicking major ass with Daryl all the time? #dreamteam. On the other hand (the nub one), I just want Merle to die for what he did to Glenn and Maggie. #unforgiveable. I’m not sure he has the ability to become a part of Team Prison with all the spite and hate he carries around. After Merle’s plot to murder Glenn and Maggie was thwarted, he joined in the fight with the rest of Woodbury against the “terrorists.” When he went to see the Gov and asked if he was OK, he had no idea that it had been Michonne who gauged his eye out. The Gov was about as pissed as a swarm of fire ants and took a page from Michonne’s book and just dished out the stink eye (pun intended, again). Merle was an idiot for believing the Gov. He got thrown under the bus big time. His nub blade got taken away from him, leaving him defenseless, and he was thrown into the execution ring with Daryl. Shittiest way ever to reunite with your long lost brother. If Merle wants to join his brother in the prison, he has some serious explaining to do.
Carl: You guys know how much we love to rag on Carl, but in this episode he really stepped it up. First of all, he didn’t listen to one-legged Hershel when he told him not to go figure out where the noise was coming from inside the prison. This little dude grabbed a gun and a flashlight and off he went. He stumbled upon some randos in the prison and lead them to safety. He sees the one girl has been bitten and he’s casual as f*ck about it, “Whatevs, I’ll do it” *whips out his gun*. I guess after you’ve shot your mom in the face, everything else seems pretty minor. Carl locks the randos out of the cell block which is a smart move. Good job, Carl. He has people to protect, and he knows his dad would have made the same decision. The one guy even called him a “man”. I bet Carl about shit his pants when he heard that. He was probably projectile vomiting from excitement on the inside. He played it off cool though. Keep this up Carl and we might not release our rage on you every week in our recaps anymore.
Newbs: Where in tarnation did these people come from? They have to be pretty legit if they have made it this long, even though they looked like amatures compared to Rick and gang. All I have to say is, they better be thankful they stumbled upon the most amazing zombie apocalypse group on the face of the planet. Start your groveling, you rando newbs, because you’re not going to want to leave this place once you meet Rick and Daryl.
I could not be more pissed off that a) Daryl is in danger, and b) that we have to wait two months to see him get saved by Rick. Two months?! Really?! #filmingfail. Oh well, at least we have this Daryl-gif-of-the-week to hold us over for now:
#PrinceOfTheTrailerPark (Just look at those arms…)
Until next time…