Jesus, Mary and Joseph Morgan (please excuse this slightly blasphemous statement). DA FUCQUE just happened? I can’t even hold myself together. I don’t want to wait any further to discuss the craziness of last night’s episode. So let’s get down to the dirty deets:
Stefan: Seeing Stefan upset is completely heart-breaking. I don’t care how much you root for Delena, you had to feel bad for Stefan in this episode. The scene outside at the pageant where Elena pretty much tells him to “get over it and f*ck off” (ok, those weren’t her exact words) and then Damon comes walking up on the other side of her, was depressing as shit. I was tearing up just looking at his poor face. Ugh!
Now, I’m going to be honest. I wanted to see Elena and Damon doing the mattress mambo, riding the carnal carousel, doing the tousled-sheet tango, dancing the horizontal hokey-pokey, taking it to… ok, wait. Where was I? Oh yes! No matter how much I wanted to witness Delena have their special moment, I still HATE to see Stefan upset. Let’s all put ourselves in his shoes for a second. He gets broken up with for his brother, he pretty much sacrifices Jeremy’s life and forces him to commit murder to grow that invi-tat and save Elena, he saves her from her brother almost killing her after he shanked her in the neck, he gets publically dissed after the pageant, he can’t live in his house any more and he can’t just leave town and take a Hawaiian vaca because we all know Klaus will never allow that. #shittiestdayever. Cheer up Stefan! We don’t like seeing you sad. However, we DO like seeing you like this:
I usually blow off steam after a bad breakup by doing intense workouts in the woods too. Not! I haven’t worked out since I was forced to take a weight training class in highschool. Here’s to hoping Stefan just flips his damn humanity switch again and goes full Ripper. He’s so much more fun when he’s off the Ripper rails.
Delena. Oh. My. Smolderbrev. I just projectile puked all over myself. DID YOU SEE THE WAY HE PULLED HER TOWARDS HIM?! He laid that kiss on her like a pure, f*cking, boss. That scene has been going over and over in his head for like, ever. He was so ready for it. So ready. Let’s just walk through the whole thing: crystal glasses, aged barrel bourbon, a burning fireplace with a mantle all bossed out with family heirlooms, dimmed lighting, artesian rugs, leather couches, and four years of sexual tension. All they needed was the final piece which was…a sire bond? DA FUCQUE?! I know Delena fans are straight pissed right now, but let’s just take a step back for a hot minute. Elena is sired to Damon, so what? You know what that’s called in the real world? That’s called being 18 and crushing on your ex-boyfriend’s really hot older brother. Don’t act like you weren’t in that situation at least 3 times in high school. She is a girl blinded by the smolder, and she might have gotten a little bored with Stefan, whether he is her true love or not.
*SIDE NOTE: All of you ships better chill the f*ck out, too, because let’s not forget why Stefan was so enamored with her in the first place. She is the doppelgänger of his bitch ex-girlfriend. Elena is everything he wished Katherine would be. If Elena looked any different, do you think he would have given her the time of day? Do you think he would have saved her from the cursed Wickory Bridge way back in season 1? I mean, what if it was winter time when Elena and her parents crashed the car, and they all had ski masks on because it was really cold outside? Think Stefan would have been the Good Samaritan if he didn’t see her doppel-face? Who knows?! You have to at least give Delena a chance to work its shit out. Elena had SOME romantic feelings for Damon when she was a human, so this is not all just sire crap. So Delena fans, wipe the tears and puke off your faces, and have a little frackin’ faith. And Stelena fans, remember that the real ship is #TVDFamily, and we are all in this together. #truth
Hayley: I hate you, but I love you. You are a sneaky little snake who’s up to no good but I totally admire you for being a fierce bitch. Let’s get one thing straight, though; that dress was completely inappropriate for that event. Your outfit could have used just a dash less street-walker and a whole helping of class. I knew she was up to no good when they showed her chatting up Professor Shane at the pageant. She is purposely driving a wedge between Caroline and Tyler, even though she’s trying to act like she’s little miss innocent. I do however think she actually has feelings for Ty. You could see it all over her face when she watched Tyler and Caroline make out. My question is, how far back does she go with Professor Shane? Did they know each other before her and Tyler had their Appalachian Mountains escapade? Or was their connection made more recent than that? Who freaking knows. One thing is for sure, this were-bitch is up to no good and our beloved Mystic Falls residents better watch their backs.
Klaus/Caroline: Their recaps are getting combined this time, because let’s face it, they were together pretty much the whole episode. First off, let me just say that Caroline looked absolutely fabulous in this episode. That dress was to die for! Secondly, let me say that I want Klaroline to happen more than anything in the entire world. More than I wanted to win the $500 million lottery the other day. More than I wanted that damn puppy for Christmas when I was 5. More than I wanted ice cream for dinner last night. I said before season 4 started that Caroline would help Klaus find his humanity. Low and behold, he tells a story about a hummingbird he saw that made him think about how it must feel to appreciate each day you’re alive. Now, whenever I see a hummingbird flitting the f*ck around, I’m going to think of Klaus. Am I going to Lowe’s tonight to buy a hummingbird feeder for my back yard? Maybe. Can we just recall how happy Caroline looked when she was giggling with Klaus? No doubt Ty would get jealous watching their adorable flirting and laughing. Tyler’s face was priceless.
Cool your jets Ty. Now, I know that Tyler is just toting Hayley around on his arm to make Klaus think they are an item, but of course Caroline is still going to have a hard time watching this. Who wouldn’t? Hayley is gorgeous and practically dangling her past relationship with Ty in front of her face.
Jeremy. What is with the Gilberts and everyone around them either a) turning into a murderous sociopath b) having an unearthly urge to stab someone/something c) dying d) hating life? I mean really. It’s kind of ridiculous. So Jeremy has gone all “Buffy” and is the “chosen one” with supernatural strength and stuff. He has to kick Elena out of the house or he’ll kill her in his sleep, and Matt decides he is going to move in with Jeremy to help him “lock it down”. Matt, I know your arms have gotten some more muscle mass from all those bus tubs at the Mystic Grill you’ve been lifting, but I have a feeling your bulging forearms will be no match for Jeremy and his super-charged strength (not to mention his uncontrollable urge to whittle wooden stakes in his sleep and dream about killing his family in cold blood–pun intended). Whatever, it gives Matt some purpose in the show and I am all for that. #TeamMattForLife
April. At first, this chick annoyed the shit out of me, but after seeing her win Miss Mystic Falls, I totally understand why J. Plec chose her. Did you see how excited she was to pick out a dress? Then when she walked down the stairs and you cringed because Jeremy wasn’t going to be there to be her escort? Then Matt shows up with a creepy power stance…ON GUARD! I thought she was going to start convulsing she was so happy Matt was there to rescue her. #TeamMapril
THEN she wins Miss Mystic Falls, and you couldn’t help but be so happy for her. It was weird, because I couldn’t understand why she was so perfect in this episode…oh, I know. It’s because she actually LOOKS like she’s in high school and the show had a splash of reality for a hot minute. What was up with the crown, though? It looked like scrap ric-rac from the clearance bin at JoAnn fabrics. If I were her, I would have thrown that crown and been like, “WHERE’S MY BLING, BITCH?!” But that’s just me. #neversettle #sparklesorbust
That episode was like falling face first into a water balloon filled with jumbled up emotions… and then smacking my face on the ground once I realized that I had to wait another week to see more Delena action. Yah! Like this:
One second I was crying, the next second I’m screaming at the top of my lungs, the next second I’m crying again. Ok, there was a shit ton of crying. This episode was all about the evolution of the relationships of our Mystic Falls residents (for better or worse): Elena/Damon, Elena/Stefan, Damon/Stefan, Elena/Jeremy, Klaus/Caroline, Caroline/Tyler. Things are seriously changing for our scooby gang. Could they be *gasp* growing up? It appears so. Next week we get to see more Delena sexy-time, Lexi returns via flashback (YES!!!!) and we get to see the Salvatore brothers rock some seriously sexy old-school uniforms. Yummy. Until next time…