Well, sweet walker slayin’, intense interrogatin’, skull stabbin’, mother of pearl! I am still trying to process what the hell just happened in this episode. Glenn got the shit kicked out of him by Merle, Michonne proved to Rick and gang that she can hold her own and they finally named that damn baby (although I prefer Ass-Kicker to Judith). So much happened that we need to discuss. Let’s get right down to the dirty deets:

Rick: I am loving me some classic badass Rick. He is back to being the leader and running shit. Daryl, of course, is Rick’s right-hand man, and leaves with him and one of the prison dudes (does he have a name? I’m guessing he’ll get killed before we have a chance to find out) and Michonne to rescue Glaggie. Michonne is a little hesitant at first of Rick and crew when they bring her into the prison to patch her up. She witnesses an intimate moment when Rick sees that Carol’s alive and they cry about Lil Ass-Kicker/Judith and the death of Lori. I took this scene as Michonne realizing that these people love each other, and they are not shady and murderous like the Gov and his gang. What I did not understand, though, was why Rick and crew didn’t ask Michonne what the person looked like that took Glaggie? All she had to say was, “well he had one hand and…” BLAMMO! IT’S MERLE! We’ll just chalk that up to a necessary dramatic cinematic scene that will be shown in next week’s episode when Daryl realizes Merle is the crazy ass mofo that took Glaggie. Rick should have taken that god-for-saken Sheriff’s hat back from Carl because he’s going to need to put his big-boy cap on when there’s a Gov showdown. My money is on Rick (of course) because he is a STRAIGHT BOSS (and the main character of the show), and the Gov is just a crazy mother f*cker with a fetish for creepily touching people’s hair. Don’t believe me? Observe, bitches:

See what I mean? Serial killer shit. Speaking of…

The Gov: This cat is nuttier than squirrel turds. I would really like a flashback of his childhood because I guarantee you it involves him skinning rabbits and playing Scrabble by himself on a daily basis. He totally violated Maggie (in the creepiest way) in an attempt to make her spill the beans on the location of their group. It didn’t work, so he kicked things up a notch and brought her into the room where Glenn was. He threatened kill her and then Glenn, making her give up the location of the prison gang. Shit! This is bad news bears, because the Gov immediately sent a group of armed men to the prison. I’m getting really sick of this bastard. He’s pure evil and we still don’t know all of his motives yet (like why he has zombie heads in fish tanks and bonding sessions with his walker daughter). Hurry up Rick, Daryl and Michonne. This ass-hat needs to go!

Glenn: Exhausted from illegal interrogation tactics. Only one good eye. Securely attached to a chair. Still slayed the f*ck out of a Walker. Now THAT is a true badass right there. Merle’s jazzed-up nub piece creepily caressed Glenn’s face. Did he give up the location of the prison? Nope. He sure didn’t. Instead, he head butted him right in the face! “Oh, hell naw bitch,” Merle exclaims! This obviously doesn’t go over well with Merle because he throws a Walker in there with him. That shit was just crazy. If it were me, as soon as I took one look at that beefed-up contraption attached to Merle’s nub, I would have drawn him a damn map to the prison complete with a 3D model made of Legos (you know one of those kids at Woodbury has a chest full of that shit). That mother f*cker is scary. I felt so bad for Glenn though. Not only was he in desperate need of an ice pack for that one eye, but he was completely helpless and couldn’t save poor Maggie. Team Glaggie forever!

Maggie: Oh, sweet heavens. I could barely hold myself together. Poor Maggie! That scene was every woman’s nightmare. I am not even going to relive it because it was so freaking disturbing. She held her own though, and she was not going to give up the group. Once a gun was pointed to Glenn’s head, however, she couldn’t keep the secret of where their camp was located. I don’t blame a woman, either. If my man was beaten to a pulp with a gun to his head I would have done the same thing. Ya’ll ladies know I’m right, too. #truth. On a lighter note, the zombie apocalypse sure has treated Maggie right. Girl is fierce! She is freaking gorgeous. I’d have to go on a “sunflower seeds only” diet for a month before I had a bod remotely close to that bangin’ skeletal frame. I hope Glenn took his shirt off and gave it to her, or the Gov at least gave her bra and racerback tank top back. Knowing him though, he probably put her clothes in some freaky ass room with pictures taped to the walls of all the women he’s creeped out. Again, serial killer shit. The guy is a f*cking psycho.

Merle: UGH! I HATE HIM! He has officially fallen off the wagon (not that he was ever on it in the first place). Forget all that talk about Merle saying he was, “in a bad place and the Governor saved him.” BULL.SHIT. At least when he was on cocaine he could blame his behavior on the drugs. Merle is a certified piece of shit. It’s no wonder Maggie and Glenn won’t tell him where the camp is! Merle, you held them at gunpoint with your Vadar arm, duct-taped them to chairs, and then threatened their lives. Ever heard of just asking nicely? Why not show them you’re a changed man and that you can be trusted? After all, you had the upper “hand” (pun count=1) considering they left you stranded on a rooftop to die. I guess I’m not surprised by your shitty actions, though. Unlike his brother, Merle is a dumbass that doesn’t think before he wields his nub-of-death in your face all willy nilly. At least Merle’s nub inspired Glenn to create a DIY version with his broken chair to kill the Walker that was attacking him. I can see Merle’s Pinterest page now:

“How to Make Your Own DIY Nub-of-Death.”

Materials Needed:

a)      Will to live

b)      Wooden chair

c)      Duct-tape

d)      Zombie/Walker

  1. Duct-tape yourself to a wooden chair (or have a friend do it). Then, lock yourself in a room with a Walker and scare the shit out of yourself until your adrenaline rush breaks the arm of the chair so you can stab the Walker in the head. If you aren’t in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, a rabid animal, i.e. a dog, mountain lion, raccoon, will suffice.

What a f*cking asshole. Speaking of assholes…

Carl. Judith? Really? Was your third-grade teacher like 90 years old? Because if “Judith” ever finds some other little kids to play with, she is going to get made fun of. At least you are using your rage to grow a pair and be the man of the house, I mean prison, and protecting Hershel, Carol and the rest of the crew while your dad rescues Glaggie. I do feel bad for Carl though, because he was never really set up for success. Since the day that kid came out of the womb he was doomed. Maybe Daryl will keep giving him pep talks. That way he has a chance of becoming a fraction of the badass that is Daryl. *sigh*

Daryl: My poor boyfriend. Shit is going to hit the fan next week when he sees Merle. Loyalties will be tested, and I don’t care what you guys say: Daryl will never abandon Rick and crew for creepy Woodbury. Yes, he may try to save what little humanity (if any) is left in Merle because Daryl is #PUREMAN, but he won’t betray Rick. I think that Daryl will be forced to kill Merle in the end, whether it’s next week or later in the season. I mean let’s be real; once Daryl sees that Merle beat the living shit out of Glenn and tried to kill him with a raging Walker, how could he not? We’ve said this before, hurting Glenn is straight satanic. No one in their right mind hurts him! It’s like burying kittens alive. It’s like telling a hundred children during a Christmas parade that Santa’s not real. It’s like eating the last Milano cookie and leaving the empty packaging in the pantry. You get the point. And let’s not even get into what the Gov did to Maggie?! That shit is just unforgivable! Daryl is our Prince of the Trailer Park, and he would NEVER stand for crazy ass shit like that.

Andrea: You’ve got to be f*cking kidding me girl. When are you going to wise up and realize that your boo is a certified psycho? Can someone PLEASE help Andrea out here?! Andrea has been brainwashed by this asshole, and I’m guessing she won’t believe anything herself until she sees it. So, someone get this bitch down to the Gov’s secret zombie head preservation lair, or introduce her to his well-groomed dead daughter. Sure she might be dead as a doornail, but her tresses are tangle free. I don’t think Andrea is going to care about that. Andrea, I like you, but this has gone on long enough. Your ass better be on Team Rick when this showdown erupts. Props to you for being a badass during the old man turning into a zombie scene, though. #girlpower

Michonne: This poor chica cannot hold on to that damn sword to save her life. Michonne is saved by Carl and Rick and brought into the prison. I kept waiting for her to name drop Merle so I could watch Daryl freak the f*ck out, but she just referred to him as the bastard that shot her. Hershel fixed up her bullet wound and then the newbie prisoner, Michonne, Rick and Daryl headed off to Woodbury to save Glaggie. This is one kick-ass team right here. However, they left the prison with a one-legged senior citizen, his nameless daughter, the other new gangly prison dude, a newborn, a 12-year-old that just shot his mom and Carol (who just spent a few days in a broom closet). This could be a serious issue next week. Back to Michonne! She totally showed she’s a force to be reckoned with when she killed that crazy cabin-fever dude and used him as zombie bait. Yikes! This bitch has brass balls. I’ll say it again: I cannot wait to watch Rick, Michonne and Daryl become a tripod of Walker slaying amazing-ness. #TeamDarchonnick #TeamMarylick #TeamRichonnyl What the f*ck ever. You know what I’m saying.

We’re being set up for the biggest showdown this side of the zombie apocalypse has ever seen. Team Rick vs. Team Governor (Prison vs. Woodbury). In next Sunday’s episode we will see Daryl waffle between his love for his long-lost bro and his loyalty to Rick, Glenn and Maggie’s lives hang in the balance, Carl is forced to make some tough decisions, and Gandrea have more creepy interactions. I can’t believe next week is the mid-season finale! I hate hiatus’s almost as much as Gandrea. Almost. Until next time…



P.S. Like we would ever forget the Daryl Gif Of the Week:  #PrinceOfTheTrailerPark

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