Let me just start out by saying that The Walking Dead is the absolute best show on television right now. If you don’t watch it, I’m judging you… and I don’t know why you’re reading this. Just how mind-blowingly awesome is The Walking Dead you ask? Think about unicorns dancing on rainbows with chocolate horns singing you Led Zeppelin songs while wearing fanny packs full of gypsy tears. Better than that.
Anyway, last night’s episode was freaking incredible, mind-blowing, magnificent, thrilling, gory, suspenseful, shocking, rip-roaring, astonishing, glorious as f*ck, majestic and every other amazing adjective you can think of. We learned that The Gov is even more messed up in the head than we previously thought, Rick has lost his damn mind and Daryl is still the coolest cat the zombie apocalypse has ever seen. Let’s dive right into the dirty deets.
I mean what the hell man? You’re running around with an axe, you have blood all over your face, and you body-checked Glenn?! DA FUCQUE?! Shoving Glenn or harming him in any way is like punching Mother Teresa in the face. It’s like leaving a basket of puppies outside in the rain. It’s almost worse than telling your kid a couple years too early that Santa’s not real. You get the picture. You’re being a dick. I understand that Lori just gave birth to Satan – I mean Shane’s – spawn, Carl is damaged beyond repair, and there’s like really no point in living, but you need to get your shit under control. Also, I don’t think you’ve taken a shower this entire season. I can smell you through my 1080p HDTV.
The Gov: First of all, I want to tell you that I almost puked all over myself during his scene with his daughter. I didn’t need to see that shit. I get the heeby jeebies just thinking about it again. I can’t decide if The Gov is really crazy or just an extremely dedicated father. Just kidding. He’s nuttier than squirrel turds. We haven’t revisited his secret lair with the zombie heads, but I’m guessing it somehow ties in with his daughter and whatever the scientist is trying to do. Maybe find a cure? Why else would he be keeping his rank ass daughter around? Sometimes I wonder what would happen if walkers turned back into regular humans. Would his daughter grow that patch of hair back right away? Would walkers with missing teeth, arms, eyeballs, whatever, regenerate that shit or would we have some seriously f*cked up looking people roaming around? I mean, imagine ordering your pumpkin spice latte from this:
Pass! This has gotten totally out of control, so let’s get back to The Gov. He’s purposely driven a wedge between Andrea and Michonne. I think he’s trying to charm Andrea. Maybe next week he’ll decide to take their relationship a step further and introduce her to his daughter. That should go over smoothly. #zombieapocalysedating. At some point he’s going to have to meet up with the prison crew so that Daryl and Rick can kill him. This mother f*cker needs to go. Oh, and one other thing, Michonne was about to stink-eye the Gov to death with that lame ass pep talk he was trying to give her. That entire scene can be summed up here:
Michonne: Two words: FIERCE. BITCH. Nobody takes Michonne’s samurai sword and gets away with it! NOBODY! And if you dangle it in front of her while proposing a ridiculous proposition (cough, Governor, cough), she will do some sweet ninja moves and steal that shit back quicker than you can say, “Michonne’s samurai sword.” Actually, it’s f*cking hard to say that. Seriously, say, “Michonne’s samurai sword” 5 times out loud. It’s tougher than that “Peter-piper picked a peck of pickled peppers” shit. Ok I don’t know where I’m going with this. ANYWAYS, Michonne had a fever this episode, and the only prescription was more zombies to slice up. #SaturdayNightLiveCowbellSkitReference (watch it here if you’ve been under a rock the last 12 years.)
She knew just where to find them, too, because apparently the Gov was hiding zombies in his backyard to later be used in a barbaric, gladiator-esque fighting arena later that evening. *queue return-to-ancient-barbaric-practices in a post-apocalyptic-civilization metaphor (plus throw in the Stepford-wife community atmosphere)* Michonne was like, “yeah…ummm… f*ck that”. Actually, she just threw the Gov and his minions one of her infamous stink eyes, grabbed her duffel-bag and samurai sword and chucked up the deuces.
Oh yeah, and she left Andrea with the Gov and his zombie daughter. #shitty. Speaking of…
Andrea: Girl. What are you doing? Michonne left your ass, and at first I was mad at her, but now I just think you’re a f*cking idiot. Don’t worry, since Michonne isn’t there anymore and you can’t dread her hair during your girls nights, I’m sure that the Gov would let you do his zombie-daughter’s hair. Just be careful you don’t BRUSH HER SCALP OFF LIKE HE DOES. I mean what the hell? Do you really think that you can live out your life with him and those people? What happens when resources run out? Did you even scope out the rest of the community to see if there were any hot guys? Because that would be number one on my priority list next to boxed Franzia and an old semi-truck full of Multi-Grain Creamy Ranch Pringles. (If you haven’t had those before, go get some. #yourewelcome). If I were you, I’d go with Merle on his search for Daryl, because #1 there’s some weird ass shit going on with the Gov, and #2 Daryl is every woman’s f*cking fantasy with his Harley, Pendleton Poncho, Crossbow, emo-esque hair, don’t-care attitude…UGH he is just #pureman. I mean the guy puts Bear Grylls to shame. Let’s just move to his recap…
Daryl: Our Trailer Park Prince was fantastic in this episode. First of all, he looked boss riding that motorcycle in his Mexican poncho/serape. Secondly, him and Maggie grabbed the shit out of some baby supplies and he slayed a possum. Hey, those things are nastier than they look. Lastly, he is like the baby whisperer. Lil’ Ass-Kicker was crying and he said, “gimme that baby and step aside bitches.” Then he rocked her and got her calm. Is there anything hotter than watching a guy in a poncho with a bow strapped to his back rocking a baby? Nope. Maybe he’ll step up and be the baby daddy because Lord knows, Rick is not up for the job. If Daryl ever dies, I might choose to stop watching the show. I’m sure you all agree.
Merle: Homeboy is straight crazy. I bet he was probably a croc wrestler/hunter before the apocalypse. Did you see how excited he was when him and the scientist went to get those zombies that they trapped? “Hot diggity dog. We gots us some Walkers fellas. Yeehaw!” You would have thought he’d just won the damn lottery the way he freaked out. Later that night, we watched Merle participate in the zombie apocalypse version of the WWE. Some might say (Andrea) that two men fighting in a walker ring is barbaric and down right wrong, but what else would you suggest they do for entertainment? It’s not like they can just mosey on down the street for an evening at the symphony or enjoy a nice picnic in the park and play frisbee golf. Merle laid the smack down and won the fight because he’s a badass and has no fear. I have to admit, it was a little disturbing to watch but #friendsdontjudge. I wanted to see him talk about going to find Daryl again in this episode, but he didn’t. I love Merle, but I feel like if he doesn’t get out of Woodbury soon, he’s going to become just as nuts as The Gov. He’s already acting like The Gov’s little bitch. Get the hell out of dodge, Merle!
Prediction: So, here’s my really far-out prediction about The Gov. Remember how last week we speculated that maybe the baby (new generation) holds some kind of cure or maybe they’re immune or some shit like that? WHAT IF the Gov knows this. He’s getting his flirt on with Andrea so maybe he wants to knock her up and use the babe as a lab experiment. Weird right? BUT WAIT! Andrea makes a comment about the fact Lori was pregnant. The Gov tells Merle he wants to help him find his brother when in fact he wants to try to find that f*cking baby. So, they all set out to find them, which is what brings the two groups together. BAM! #JustSayin
Next week Michonne will go back to being a badass, Daryl will continue being an amazing father and Rick will answer a phone. I can’t wait!
And, of course, here is the Daryl badass pic of the week: #PriceOfTheTrailerPark
Until next time…