Goodness gracious great zombie balls of fire! That was hands down, the best episode so far of any season. It was action-packed, moving, f*cking intense and left me sobbing like a little girl who just found out she got back stage passes to a One Direction concert. This was a game changing episode. How will Rick deal with life post-Lori, how the hell is a one-legged senior citizen and a screaming baby going to survive the apocalypse and how are Merle and Daryl going to reunite? Let me try to compose myself so we can get down to the dirty deets.
Ok, I’m ready now.
Rick: Andrew Lincoln = Emmy 2013. If you didn’t bawl your eyes out at the ending scene of that episode, then you are the most UN-emotional, feeling-less, piece of shit on the planet. I cried so hard I had to give myself the Heimlich maneuver because my throat was in my stomach. Rick has had the character development screenwriters dream about. What do we keep saying? Put this shit in perspective: Rick wore that f*cktarded hat in season one trying to “save everyone” and keep his moral compass in check. We now see Rick as a desperate man trying to rebuild a life for his family and the others in their group. His main reason for living was for his adulteress wife and annoying son. Don’t tell me I am being too harsh, either. Carl wears that damn hat around like he’s smothering his innocence in Rick’s face. You think he wants to see that shit and be reminded of his past life and “what could have been” if there wasn’t a fracking zombie apocalypse? You’re like 13 now. Take Glenn’s old baseball cap and learn how to shave your stubble because your dad is running on empty right now, buddy. ANYWAYS Rick’s next steps will most likely be a showdown with the Governor and…OH YEAH. HIS NEW BORN INFANT CHILD.
Lori: Thanks, Lori. Not only are you blatantly walking around with a bastard baby-bump, but you go out flippin’ the bird to your estranged husband by leaving him to take care of his (or Shane’s) newborn daughter. I will give you one prop, though, that was a fierce mom speech you gave to Carl. He needed that. You finally gave him some motherly guidance and then you jack his Swiss-army knife from last Christmas’s stocking stuffer and say, “slice me up, bitches!” I could barely watch “The Miracle of Life” video in my freshman health class, so Carl must have been mentally projectile vomiting that entire scene. #nasty. I want to say good riddance, but I am sad to see Lori go because it’s been such an outlet for my rage recapping her each week. Props to you, Lori. #dueces
…wait…one last thought. What if Lori’s baby is the “Jesus” baby of the apocalypse? Maybe the new generation carries the cure? AW SNAP. #teamtsdmindblownmoment
Carl: F*ck. I’ve mentioned before that if the human race ever succeeded in reclaiming planet Earth, Carl was going to need some extensive therapy. Well… I don’t think that’s going to help now. Homeboy just shot his mother. Therapy probably isn’t going to help much. Usually I rag on Carl and talk about how much he f*cking sucks and needs to stop acting like he’s his father when he’s just a miniature, pre-pubescent shittier version of him. Tonight, though, he impressed me. He acted like a child and cried when it was appropriate (while saying goodbye to his mom). Then he manned up, helped deliver a baby and did the honorable thing by ending Lori’s life himself. Sweet Jesus. I’ve always rooted for Carl’s demise, but after this episode I need him to stay alive because I don’t think my dear Rick could handle any more heartbreak. Remember what your mama told you and don’t do anything f*cking stupid! Stay alive and man up because your group just got 10 times less likely to survive the apocalypse with the arrival of your little sis. #notyourfaultthough
Maggie: I love love LOVE Maggie. Not only can she chop the shit out of some zombie heads, but she can deliver a C-section in a broom closet in a prison overrun by walkers and just say “time to f*cking bounce out.” I mean, wow! She was reluctant to do what Lori asked, but she did it nonetheless, and she let Carl do what he needed to do. She is truly a BAMF. PLUS, she had no shame about the fact people knew her and Glenn were getting horizontal in the guard tower mid-day. I’m sure the end of the world can kind of make a girl lose her inhibitions. Take Lori as a cautionary tale though and please don’t bring a babe into this world. Ain’t nobody gonna wanna deal with that shit. #TeamGlaggie #TeamMenn Well, those sound f*cking wierd.
T-Dog: Dude, as soon as he had a five minute dialogue scene in the beginning of the episode, I knew he was going to go. It was time to weed out some of the cast, and T-Dog’s time was up. I always liked T-Dog, though. He always stayed true to his personality, and he never apologized for his actions. He went down a true warrior AND a gentleman. He didn’t try to deny the fact that he was bit by Walkers (that’s right, WALKERS not BITERS) and thirty minutes away from turning. He let Walkers feed on him so he could save Carol’s life. You are getting the coveted TeamTSD hashtag…#pureman. RIP.
Michonne: She speaks! She finally opened her mouth and exchanged word with the Gov, but she cannot stop dishing out that damn stink eye. Girl, I know you are very skeptical of the Governor and you’re on your guard, but you need to loosen up. Michonne Sherlock Holmes’ it up and discovers *gasp* bullet holes and fresh blood on the tank the Gov brought back to Woodbury. I love that she’s not afraid of him. Also, did you see how reluctant Andrea was to live on an island with Michonne until the end of time? Yeah, we feel you Andrea. She’s not exactly a ball of sunshine. Anyway, it’s been two episodes since I’ve gotten to see Michonne wield that damn sword and kill things, so let’s get back to that please. #girlpower
Governor: Well, just when I thought you couldn’t turn into more of a douchebag, you exceed my expectations. FYI, “Phillip”, (yeah he shared his name-we’ll get to that in a second) shooting golf balls off of your protective wall like you’re some sort of PGA champion/CEO is about the most ridiculous thing you could do. It’s like putting up a billboard with your head shot that says, “Hi, I am on a power trip”. It’s like driving around in those ridiculous Hummers aka “I have a small penis cars”. It’s like oiling your hair and wearing layers of gold-plated chain necklaces while wearing those Affliction shirts. You get the picture.
Also, back off Andrea. She doesn’t care your name is Phillip, it actually just lessened your chances of tapping that ass. You’re starting to look like a pedophile with those creeper eyes. I’m over you, and I personally cannot wait for you to run into Rick so he can beat you with that set of golf clubs.
Merle: This recap goes for Andrea, too. Andrea, I get why you helped Merle. You would want someone to do that for your sister, and I respect that. I think we are going to see Merle turn into sort of a good guy this season. He just wants to find his brother, and I am all for that. When he approached the Gov about going out to visit the farm where Daryl was last seen, he was so pissed that he basically told him, “naw bitch, you ain’t going nowhere.” Um….SAY WHAT?! Merle had just got done telling Andrea that the Gov was a, “good guy”, and now he is being forbid to go get his brother? Hell no. Merle will do whatever you say as long as you keep him happy. But if you piss him off, shit will get real. I hope Merle grabs the nine-iron from his golf club set and assists in the future beating with Rick. #realtalk.
Two Rando Prison Dudes???: I like these two jokers. The crusty old dude is eager to please with his useless mechanical skills, and the other guy had Rick’s back by shooting the culprit of the prison zombie takeover. I can see these two possibly joining the group. Lose two. Add two. #safetyinnumbers
Phew! That was a lot to discuss. Next week it appears Rick is going to have another breakdown, the group is going to focus on gathering baby shit and Glenn will be digging graves. Life in the zombie apocalypse is f*cking rough. Leave your thoughts. Until next time…
Oh yeah, don’t think we forgot the Daryl pic of the week: #PrinceOfTheTrailerPark