THE VAMPIRE DIARIES RECAP – 4×04 ‘THE FIVE’

Whoa, whoa, whoa-hold the vervain a minute! SHIT GOT REAL! Seriously, I am not just saying this, TVD is getting better and better. UGH! I LOVE IT! Connor got TVD initiated with his first shirtless scene, Rebekah got white-oak-ash owned, and Delena got screen time. We also found out ‘The Five’ were a band of muscular, tatted up, fang hating, funky weapon-wielding, vampire hunting men? Got it. NOT! I don’t get what the f*ck is going on. Let’s get down to the dirty deets of last night’s killer episode:

Connor: There are two very important things we need to discuss first. 1) He totally pulled a Mike Tyson and bit the shit out of that dude’s ear. 2) Did you see those abs/pecs/arms/etc.? I know you did. You can’t airbrush that kind of muscle definition. That’s the real freaking deal right there ladies and gents. Let’s move on to Connor’s actual story. Klaus strung him up like a string of decorative gourds for the fall season and tried to get the deets on ‘The Five’ out of him. It didn’t work out all that well but Connor did reveal to Jer that with each vampire he kills, his tattoo grows larger. That’s one way to get free ink. Connor snacks on homeboy’s ear and I’m wondering why they left some newb alone with the biggest, baddest vampire hunter they’ve ever seen (except for the now deceased and tongue-less Alexander). Klaus, this isn’t your first rodeo. You should know better. The best scene of the night was Connor escaping and decapitating that guy with the chain. Pure.freaking.man. What the hell is he doing brushing shoulders with the supe professor? Da fucque is happening?! I am seriously loving me some Connor this season, and Todd Williams.

Elena. Oh for pete’s sake girl. I mean, for DAMON’S SAKE. You need to LOCK. YOUR. SHIT. DOWN. So you got “blood drunk” at a party and danced and…HAD FUN! I know the concept of actually stopping and smelling the f*cking roses is new to you, but there’s no crime in enjoying yourself. You know how many frat parties I’ve been to where I got drunk as shit and rocked it out dancing with a bunch of guys? Too many to count girlfriend. I am so sick of seeing your “compassion” escalate and be the ultimate #partyfoul. Let’s get one thing straight, Damon is teaching you how to not kill people. Without him, you probably would be Mrs. Ripper. Damon was teaching you how to dub-step while feeding and compelling your victims to forget. Stefan would be teaching you how to hack a body into a million pieces and tie those pieces into a nice little necklace Last of the Mohicans style. THEN he would be helping you pick which wall you want to write all your victim’s names on because that’s completely f*cking normal. NOT. Get my drift? Roll with it girl, because Damon is doing you more good than harm.

Stefan: What an asshole. Stefan I love you, but you need to get your shit together. How could you do that to Rebekah? Your moral compass must have been thrown out of wack when you threw a hissy fit about your girlfriend blood-sharing in a public bathroom with your bro.

You think Elena would be proud of you for what you’ve done? You rag on Damon for being a dick, but look at what you just did. On one hand I understand your reasoning behind it (to change Elena back into a human), but on the other hand I think you’re being an idiot. Give Elena what she wants OR force her to stay a vampire and live with you for eternity? Hmm… tough choice. Obviously you need to force her to be with you forever. She’ll learn to love it. Elena’s been a vampire for about… 5 minutes, right? Give the girl some time to adjust to her new life. Maybe once she realizes that she doesn’t have to worry about eating that extra slice of pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving or buying anti-aging face moisturizer, she’ll be grateful for the gift she’s been given. So, just slow your roll Stef. Give a girl some time to appreciate her eternal hotness and new closet full of Italian leather jackets. PS – I like you a lot better when you are not around Elena and acting like the true badass that we know you are. You even made me laugh at the dinner scene at Klaus’ house. Speaking of…

Dinner party. Ok this shit was just hilarious. Klaus and Rebekah were bickering back and forth, and Stefan just looked like he would rather be bathing in a tub of vervain while sipping on pigs blood than sitting at that dinner table. I just had to point that out. I may or may not have rewound and watched that scene like five times while I chuckled $5.99 Yellow Tail Cabernet all over myself.

Damon: Can someone please throw this mother f*cker a bone? Elena is playing with his heart right now and I’m starting to feel bad for Damon. Not only does he love Elena but she’s basically his best friend and I don’t know if you knew this, but his other best friend DIED! #Dalaric. Elena, why are you letting him ‘help’ you control your urges when you know how he feels about you? You could have asked Caroline or Tyler for help. They seem to be doing just fine not draining people dry whenever they get a little hungry. Damon, Elena and Bonnie head to Whitmore college which ends up being a mistake because Bonnie ruins Elena’s fun by being all judgy, and now they’re in the cross-hairs of this professor Shane bastard. Damon was actually showing Elena a good time and he stopped her from draining ruffie boy. So they danced when they were on a blood high? Who gives a shit? They were having fun at a party. I see nothing wrong with that. Plus, everyone was too blinded by all the strobe lights and glow sticks in that place to notice Elena drinking people’s blood on the dance floor. Damon is genuinely hurt when they leave the party and Elena treats him like he’s a piece of emotionless shit. You can see the pain all over his blood encrusted face. Then on the porch (the infamous Gilbert porch where Damon’s dreams always go to shit), he gets his heart crushed a little more when Elena basically says, “I know you are what a vampire should really be like and I trust you, but you f*cking suck and I don’t want to be anything like you.” That’s pretty much how it went. Then BLAMMO! Stefan pops out of the house. UGH!

Let them have their damn moment. It’s super rude to interrupt people’s conversations anyway. I have a social etiquette book if you’d like to borrow it. So much drama! I’m ready for Damon to be happy… and to have more shirtless scenes.

Rebekah. Girl, your flashback hair is f*cking fierce. You look so damn hot in all those flashbacks. Get yourself some extensions because I think you would have Matt blood-sharing with you on his shift breaks in a hot minute once he saw you like that. Also, I sort of love you now. This episode we saw you truly in love and get stabbed in the back, or actually stabbed in the stomach in your case. Alexander was an Original Five hunter with fierce tats, and he totally played you. Whether he would have un-daggered you and turned you human we don’t know, but it was still shady as shit. He should have trusted you. #TeamRebekah. When you were all, “just stake me, Klaus! Do it, bitch!” at the end, you could tell Klaus was upset. He still staked you though! What an ass! Take a nap and hopefully you’ll wake up to a better place. #goodnight

Klaus. Always with a hidden agenda! So you want to find the cure and turn Stefan and Elena into humans so they can have babies and…continue the doppelgänger blood line? Stefan better pick up on the fact that he and Elena will still be under Klaus’s radar forevs even if Elena turns human again. I get why Klaus is on the move, though. If you are going to live forever you better have something to do. Like creating a hybrid army, for example.

Bonnie and the Prof. First off, I just want to let you high school seniors know, college professors are never that hot, and they never creep at frat parties. Also, the frat parties I went to did not serve Bloody Mary’s in fancy cups, they gave us Dark Eyes Vodka in Solo cups (if we were lucky). I just don’t want you to send JPlec hate-mail when you figure that shit out fall 2013. Apparently this new professor is the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain and sent Clueless Connor to Mystic Falls so he would kill more vamps and grow that tat. And Bonnie, what do we always say? FRIENDS DON’T JUDGE. Just because your boyfriend left you for a ghost doesn’t mean that you have to rain on everyone else’s f*cking parade. If you insist on being in Mystic Falls and getting shit on/used every episode, grow a pair.

April. Ok so this bitch keeps popping up out of nowhere and it’s like why DA FUCQUE are you even here right now? I think she’s like a bastard child of Elena’s bloodline and could possibly give birth to the future doppelgänger. #justsaying. #plottwist. Elena probably has some like birth mark thing (that Katherine probably has, too) and April will get knocked up “16 and Pregnant” style and give birth to a baby girl with the same mark so they know she’s the doppelgänger. Did I just blow your mind?

Thought so. Also, I think Matt should be the baby daddy. Think about it, bitches. Ok, I’m exhausted. What did you guys think of last night’s episode? Leave your thoughts! (PS-how awesome was it that we got some Elijah screen time?!)

Until next time…

xoxo,

TeamTSD

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