Well, another TVD episode has come and gone and I’ve managed not to throw up all over myself or hyperventilate in a puddle of my own tears screaming Damon’s name. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time. Last night we saw Rebekah act like a little bitch and throw an under-aged rager in an attempt to gain friends, Elena pulls a Rose from the Titanic motorcycle-style and Connor is apparently part of a fab five with ancient matching tats. Let’s get down to the dirty deets.
Elena: Girl, you need to lock that shit down. Here’s what needs to happen: get yourself some. YOU DO YOU, girlfriend. I don’t care who it is, you need to get laid. Stefan, Damon, Liz Forbes, we don’t care. Just get it out of your system. Elena is on edge all episode, beginning with Rebekah dangling a bloody neck in front of her at school when Connor’s lurking the halls. Then, at Rebekah’s party she throws Elena’s daylight ring down a garbage disposal and Elena almost has to stay tucked into a dark corner instead of doing keg stands with all her classmates. #rude. Stefan thinks it’d be a great idea to buy a motorcycle and take Elena driving through the cornfields of Mystic Falls County. Anyone else start singing *Near, far, wherever you are. I believe that the heart does go on* when Elena was on that motorcycle? She totally pulled a Rose from the Titanic in that scene. #celinedionbitches. Stefan, bless your eternally damned heart for trying, but she needs two things: ass and blood. After that, then you can sweep her off her feet. Sheesh. Next week we see that her and Damon go to a frat party and get nasty. #finally.
Damon: Just when I think I couldn’t love you any more, you amaze me. You save Elena from draining Matt, (which PS why doesn’t she heal that bite wound on his wrist with her blood? #justsayin) and you are trying to save the town. Damn your brooding pride! I think Damon will get the girl in the end. He is not trying to take her from Stefan, Elena is actually slowly moving towards Damon all by herself. Also, I can see a little friendship between him and Meredith brewing. Team Memon, Damith, Meremon, Meredon, Deredith. I don’t know. These all sound like shit.
Stefan: Stefan is really worried about going off the Ripper rails now that Elena’s a vampire and can only drink blood straight from the source. He even calls Caroline over to enlist her help in getting Elena under control because he can’t handle his shit. You could have just asked Damon, because he’s already taken it upon himself to teach her how to control her urges. Oh yeah, you’re still fighting with your brother and he’s one sexual blood-sharing scene away from stealing your girl for good. I feel pretty bad for Stefan because he feels like he can’t help Elena, and it looks like she’s slipping away from him and into Damon’s big, strong, sexy, waiting arms. He’s going to have to face the fact that Damon can help her better than he can though. I have a feeling this love triangle is about to get very messy.
Connor: So you are “one of the five” according to Klaus? One of the five what? Original Backstreet Boys? N*SYNC? Spice Girls? Fab Five women’s Olympic gymnastics team? ELABORATE Klaus. If there’s one thing you’re known for, it’s sure as shit not holding back. Apparently, these symbols Connor is engraving on his bullets/stakes/arrows are some cryptic symbols for badass mu-fucka and Klaus knows it. Connor doesn’t though, and he looks clueless when Klaus tells him this. The fact that Jeremy can see the invisible tat makes me think that he, too, is an Original boy-bander/hunter/whatever. Klaus was all like, “Connor you my boy now,” and doesn’t want to kill him. This obvi means that he needs him for something. What that something is we aren’t sure, but we have a theory…
Klaus: …so the theory is this: Remember when Klaus gave Elena his blood because Rebekah’s keg was laced with werewolf venom? Klaus said, “bitch I wouldn’t have done this yesterday, but shit’s getting real and I need you now” (Okay, so those weren’t his exact words but you get the picture). Basically, I think Klaus knows that the Original Five (whomever they are) can turn vamps back into humans. BAM! Then Klaus could get his doppelgänger blood back and make his beloved hybrid army. Maybe he’ll turn Katherine, too? #plottwist. Regardless, I am glad Klaus returned to MF. He posted up at Tyler’s pad to protect him from the hunter, and he witnessed a nasty little love triangle. Get you some Caroline while you have the chance. #Klaroline.
Tyler: Trouble in Forwood paradise maybe? Oh yeah! Tyler had a really shitty day. Klaus assigns him two hybrid babysitters and his secret werewolf bitch from the past shows up at his house. Whoops. Did you forget to tell Caroline something? I have a feeling that Caroline isn’t going to be too happy about this. #1 because Phoebe Tonkin is fucking gorgeous, and #2 she “helped” Tyler break his sire bond. BITCH WHAT? Caroline was the one there for him when he first turned, and, oh, I don’t know…SHE’S HIS GIRLFRIEND. When Klaus talked to Tyler about Hayley and accused him of having a somewhat intimate relationship while he was gone, he looked totally guilty. You know they were doing the nasty. TyTy, you dirty dog (pun intended). Hayley better watch her back because Caroline’s a bit of a control freak (she even admitted it) and that shit is heightened when you’re a vamp. She was also Miss Mystic Falls so, basically she runs this town. #TeamForwood! However, we do love Phoebe Tonkin and we’re glad she’s on the show, but she better keep that bangin’ bod away from Tyler. #thankyou
Rebekah: Girl, you’s a bitch. You got blood on Elena’s white cardigan when you pencil-stabbed her and didn’t even offer her your Tide-To-Go Pen. Nope. Instead you smeared blood all over her face! WTF? Aren’t you trying to make friends here, because that is NOT the way to do it. If you’re trying to get Matt to forgive you, you’re off to a really shitty start. As if ruining her sweater and wiping blood all over her face wasn’t enough, you then threw her daylight ring down the disposal at your house. PS now we know why vampires never wear white and why they always wear leather jackets. Do you know how easy it is to wipe blood off leather? A LOT easier than bleaching your snow white Target cardigan. ANYWAYS, Bex, why are you being such a little brat? I know you are going through a rough time with your brother basically disowning you and all, but cut the attitude Bex. Plus, you shouldn’t be so surprised that Klaus left you in MF. Homeboy kept you in a box for about a century. His track record for being a standout brother is not great. Wise up. Oh, and stay away from April. You’re looking pretty desperate.
Matt: Matt had an even shittier day than Tyler. Let’s get one thing straight, there is nothing worse than seeing Matt Donovan upset. Seeing Matt sad is like staring at 100 crying puppies at the bottom of a well. Let’s lay out his shitty day: First, Rebekah tries to invite him to her party in order to make amends for almost killing him and causing his ex-girlfriend to turn into a vampire. I have a feeling it’s going to take more than that to earn his forgiveness. You could at least get him a card, flowers, chocolate, a new car, some health/car insurance maybe. Your words mean nothing to him. Then, he gets strangled and threatened by Connor at school, where he throws Rebekah under the bus. THEN, Elena almost eats his ass at her house because she couldn’t stop feeding. Listen Matt, I know you are feeling bad because you lived and Elena didn’t but, I’m going to tell you the same thing I told Bonnie: buy a one way ticket to somewhere pretty and get the hell out of town. Save yourself before you get turned into a supe, killed, mutilated, tortured, kidnapped, used as a sacrifice in a creepy ritual or all of the above. Get da fucque up out of MF, NOW!
Man, there was a lot to talk about this time. Based on the previews for 4×04, next week is going to be even crazier. Halloween costumes, frat parties, Original flashbacks and some serious Delena time is on its way! Share your thoughts!
Until next time…