THE WALKING DEAD RECAP – 3×02 ‘Sick’

“YEAH, I GET IT MAN. SHIT HAPPENS.”

I think that quote by Rick before he slices some joker’s head in half pretty much sums up last night’s episode of “The Walking Dead”. Rick is officially bat-shit crazy/a raging psychopath, Lori’s hit rock bottom (again), Carol is doing her medical residency on fucquing Walkers, and Daryl’s just rocking it out being a badass as usual. Let’s get down to the dirty deets of this ep.

Rick: Let’s bring back the Rick from season 1 for a second. Remember when he risked his life to go back to Atlanta to save Merle from the rooftop? Remember when he had a conscience? Yeah, that Rick is not in Kansas anymore. Old boy has lost it, and I don’t blame him. He is stuck in a world where there are no lawyers (well, they are all zombies-I highly doubt they can draft a divorce settlement), and he can’t get out of his marriage with his wife who’s pregnant with a bastard son. Rick isn’t messing around anymore. Let’s get one thing straight, if you aren’t on Rick’s team and you cross him, he’ll slice your head in half and/or lock you in a jail-yard full of zombies. T-Dog and Daryl are like, “rock it out, bro” all having his back and shit not judging him because #1 friends don’t judge, and #2 Rick keeps their asses ALIVE. They have all been through hell and back, and they aren’t letting some crazy ass group of convicted felons get in their way.

Lori: Oh lord Jesus, where do we even start? That’s right, just sit there and hang your head. You blatantly admit to your (sort-of) estranged husband that you have no idea what your kid is interested in, and your kid also managed to slip out and go exploring in a zombie-filled maximum security prison. You’re right, Lori, you’re not mother of the year, and you never will be. And don’t even try to give yourself the privilege of being some absentee mother. Absentee mothers are crackheads, prostitutes, or from the cast of “16 and Pregnant”. You, Lori, can’t even keep track of your son when you are locked in a freaking cell-block. Before I give myself a brain aneurysm from frustration, I’m ending your recap paragraph. #dueces.

Glenn: I didn’t see enough of you in this episode, but I know you’ll get your turn. Rick told you to stay in the cell-block with the Herschel and the cheer squad, and we saw why later on in the episode. Rick sensed that shit would get a little out of hand, and I don’t think Glenn could have handled that. The way Rick just sliced into that prisoner’s head was brutal, barbaric, and completely necessary. Glenn is one of the only ones of this group who still maintains his innocence and purity in some way, and that shit may have thrown him to the dark side with no turning back. This show needs to keep one person optimistic, and Glenn’s newly beefed-up hotness can deliver that. Even Carl has hopped on the crazy train. Speaking of that adolescent “cowboy”…

Carl: Oh for Pete’s sake Carl. Why the hell was no one watching Carl… again? When are these people going to learn that this little shit is set on running around and fucking shit up? Lori, your child is running around wielding a gun in the middle of a zombie infested prison. You know he had to have been gone for like 30 minutes. You didn’t notice? Plus, if my son talked to me the way he talked to Lori, I’d slap the shit out of him. Why do you never punish this kid? I know it’s a little hard given your current situation, but there are ways. Here are some options. 1) You are living in a prison. Lock him up without food for a few days. 2) Take that godforsaken hat away from him. I think it’s what’s making him so over-confident. 3) Make him eat that damn dog food he was so hell-bent on eating in 3×01. “Oh, you said you want that can of pork and beans Carl? Nope. All you get is this can of Science Diet Gourmet Beef. Just be happy you didn’t get the fish.” Suck it! 4) Show him that even though he thinks he’s some zombie slaying badass (like his father) he could never make it alone. Throw him out in the prison yard with some damn walkers and a machete and see what the outcome is. Bitch what? I’m sorry, what was that? You say that this is child endangerment? I don’t think Child Protective Services are showing up anytime soon. No one’s going to care at this point. Lock it down, Carl!

Herschel: First things first, why the hell is everyone getting so close to Herschel’s face when he might be a damn walker? Back the f*ck up! He doesn’t want to cuddle with you and he doesn’t want you all up in his shit. Geez! Ok, I’m done. So, at the end of the episode, Herschel wakes back up and it seems he is NOT a walker. Someone please tell me how they are going to lug a one-legged senior citizen around when the people with two legs can barely manage to stay alive. Maggie was right. All they do is run and no one is being realistic about this situation. I love Herschel so I don’t really know how I feel about this. On one hand I don’t want him to die because I love his character, but on the other hand I don’t need him bringing everyone down. If he dares to put my beloved Daryl or Rick’s lives at risk due to his one-leggedness, I will plunge through that TV screen and end his life myself. Don’t mess with my boys. #gameover

Prison Gang: What freaking amateurs. To think, they spent 8 months in a prison cafeteria while Rick and crew did a cross-country road trip on the Oregon Zombie-Trail, and they act like they have this shit on lock down. Bitch, please. Remember them trying to kill the walkers? They broke formation and started beating them like they were in a damn street fight. Rick said go for the brains! Then, the leader dude (who was straight nuts) throws a walker at Rick and says, “Shit happens.” You know what other shit just ‘happens’? You getting chopped in the f*cking head by Rick. Thank God that guy is gone. He would have been nothing but trouble for our crew. Only two of the men are left now. There’s no way these guys will last long without Rick’s help. Sayonara suckers!

Daryl: Oh, my sweet Prince of the Trailer Park, how I love thee. You just get hotter and hotter each episode. You are fearless–like my sexy little white trash Robin Hood. When you and the A-Team brought Herschel and his stump back, you parked up in that cell-block common area with your cross-bow ready for those prisoners and was like, “let’s go, bitches!” That crazy long-haired guy (who was probably in there for muling drugs or serial killing) had a gun and honey badger didn’t give a SHIT. Nobody messes with Daryl. He keeps his cool and rocks it the fucque out. Ok, I’m done, I could go on forever with this.

Carol: You risked your life and Glenn’s to look at a Walker’s rank undergarments and slice open her abdomen. DA FUCQUE?! Unless you please Daryl’s sexual needs, I see no reason for you at this point. At least you finally grew a pair of balls, I guess. Moving on…

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Well, what’d you guys think? I think shit got fucquing real and it was AWESOME. Now if I could just see the Governor and some Michonne and shirtless Daryl all would be good in the world. Until next time, bitches! #fangsout

xoxo,

Team TSD

 

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