SAVE THE SUPES!
Ok, ya’ll. Please forgive me for last week’s Save the Supes post on Bill, because apparently he’s not in the mood to be saved. Darth Vadar, I mean Bill, has officially gone off the deep end and into Salome’s weird sexual lair. So, we are going to save sexy Viking Eric Northman. He is literally surrounded by the Sanguinista Cult with no way of getting out. His last hope, the awkward techy chick, probably saw the true death so he is really out of options here.
Since we all already love Eric, there is no reason to provide reasons why we should save him, but rather devise a plan of how to save him. What I would like to propose is an escape plan. It’s simple, really. Observe:
Sookie and the Cirque de Fairies can do mind reading shit, so they can infiltrate vamps minds to see what they are up to. Sookie connected with that weird vamp, Warlow, that killed her parents, so she can take the lead on that one. Once they find out when Russell and Newlin bring baby/puppy Emma home, they follow them to The Authority warehouse. Emma will poop all over the floor (you know she’s not potty-trained), and while everyone’s cleaning it up Sookie can come in and use her lightning power fingers to open the door. Afterwards, Eric will sense she is there and come charging towards her. Remember when Eric flew? BAM! He did that in like, only one episode. I don’t know why he doesn’t utilize that more. Especially with the superhero phenom in Hollywood right now. ANYWAYS. Eric will then fly him and Sook out of the warehouse. Go on, Superman! Put on that fierce red cape and get the hell out of there. I bet Newlin has one in his drag closet. #gaypride. Afterwards, Eric will try and save the world because he is awesome, and because Godric’s Tupac hologram told him to. But, before they get a chance, Bill is like, “aw snap, what am I doing?” #realitycheck. He tells Salome that he is going to try and get Eric back, when in reality he is escaping. This isn’t Salome’s first time at the rodeo ranch because she’s like a million years old, so she goes with Bill. SHIT! She can probably fly, too, so they fly off chasing Eric and Sook.
Eric and Sookie head to the next True Blood factory that’s supposed to blow up to try and save the day. But, wait, what do they find? Ifrit the fire monster! Salome and Bill catch up with them, and Salome laughs in all their faces saying that The Authority hired the Ifrit monster to blow up the factories. I mean shit, Ifrit is out of work now. The Middle Eastern lady Terry and Patrick killed had Ifrit employed for like what, five or so years? The Authority and the factory scheme are perfect timing. You can’t be mad at him, though. In this economy you have to take what you can get. #recession. Ifrit gets into an argument with Salome because her check bounced, and Eric grabs Sookie and Bill and flies back to Bon Temps.
Because Eric is the most loving, sexy, blonde vamp EVER he heads over to Fangtasia to check on Pam. What does he find? Some frackin’ weirdo sitting in his chair (aka the new sheriff in town). First, Eric is excited because he thinks Pam booked KISS to perform at Fangtasia based on the guy’s long black hair and white face paint. While Eric reaches into his jacket to pull out his KISS trading card for the guy to autograph, the new sheriff charges Eric! Eric is like WHOAH dude I’m 1,000 years old and a season regular, so nice try. He delivers that asshole the true death and saves Pam and her new vamp baby Tara.
Now there’s a mess of blown up vampire all over Fantangia’s floor. Arlene shows up and is like, “I’ll just call the fire monster to come clean it up.” They go out for cocktails all the time now and talk about their fav show, Army Wives, so it’s all good. Ifrit is more than willing to help because Salome fucked him on his True Blood factory blow-up pay.
Eric and crew come up with a plan to beat the Sanguinista’s, and the rest is history. SHIT’S LEGIT.
What do you think will happen next week? Think my plan will work? Leave your comments, bitches! #fangsout