DA FUCQUE?! True Blood Paper Doll Mess

Oh. my. Godric. You might be asking yourself right now, “Is this real?” The answer is, yes. Yes, it’s real. When I first saw these online (2 minutes ago), I was speechless. Now that I have gotten over the initial shock of what we are looking at, I think we need to discuss these RIGHT NOW. So, we have Lafayette, Bill and an ass-baring Sam Merlotte in one picture. Then we have paper dolls of Alcide, Sookie & a martian-like Russell.

Sam – How the hell do you put clothes on a paper doll that is facing backwards? I don’t even know what else to say, except nice ass.

Bill – Are those boxers from American Eagle? I highly doubt a vampire king is going to be rocking purple undergarments, but what the hell do I know? These freaking doll makers have proved I apparently know nothing, time and time again. Why is his skin tinted pink? More importantly, why does he look like he got hit in the face with a frying pan? My poor sweet Bill Compton, this miniature paper version of you is just horrific.

Lafayette – What the french toast?! I am so very sorry. While we all know you don fabulous head wraps daily, you would never wear one that is so plain and unimpressive. Banana hammock really? Why do we have to assume that Lafayette would be wearing a leopard print crotch strangler? Why can’t he wear the American Eagle boxers like Bill or just go au-natural like Sam and Alcide? Oh, and we all know Lala would never wear that shade of pink on his lips. It’s not complimentary with his skin tone. Also, why is he holding his hand in that fashion? It’s like he’s saying, “I am THIS close to popping out of this paper I’m encased in and kicking the shit out of the people who made me look like this, hookah.” Do it Lala. I got your paper-back.

Alcide – Power stance! Paper Alcide looks fine as hell, but he is missing an arm so that sort of ruins it. There isn’t too much I can say about this one though because I would definitely cut this bad boy out and tape it beside my bed. #noshame

Sookie – This Sookie doll looks like she’s been on a 5 day meth binge. This is just rude. Even if Sookie is out gallivanting all night with vampires, fairies, shifters and werewolves and shooting light beams from her hands, she still looks fierce as hell when she goes into work at Merlotte’s. How do you expect paper Sookie to make enough tips to live on if you make her look like that? Plus, why do the guys get to be naked and she doesn’t? We’ve only seen her naked like 50 times on the show so I think paper Sook can handle this. #sexist

Russell – Besides the fact that this looks nothing like our favorite villain, why the hell is he blue? Everyone else gets a normal skin pigment so what gives doll makers? I really love the ripped out spine accessory though. Totally cool. Doll makers, do you really think Russell would wear that kind of print on his boxers? It looks like he took some wall paper from my grandma’s guest bedroom and wrapped it around his downstairs mix-up. I’m pretty sure Russell shops exclusively at Saks, so fail.

I have never met a single adult that plays with paper dolls, of course it just may be that I don’t know anyone that is cool enough. I just cross my fingers and hope to Godric that around Christmas time someone doesn’t snatch these paper dolls up as a gift for their 4 year old niece. “Mommy, can you help me cut out this bloody spine? All these angles are super hard to cut around.” “Damnit Aunt Cindy!”

Anyway, go ahead and shout off about these abominable True Blood paper dolls. I’m still praying that one day some doll makers can get this shit right. It’s just another unfortunate example of #dollfail. Until next time…


Team TSD

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