Oh, for the love of all things petticoats and bouffant hair, what the hell are these things? I just stumbled upon these 1800s versions of our dear Salvatore brothers. They rendered me speechless… but only for a moment. Now we need to try to discuss these miniature-monstrosities without totally flying off the handle and punching the shit out of our computer screens.
Throw-Back Damon Salvatore: I just… I just don’t know how to put into words how I feel about this doll. Let’s start with the hair, shall we? Damon’s hair is always breezy, wispy and flowing like chocolate silk mousse that just slowly runs… whoah! Sorry. This doll’s hair looks like Damon slapped some motor oil on his hands and ran them through his hair. Did they have motor oil in the 1800s? I have no idea, and I don’t care. Why the French toast does he look so pissed? Back in the good ol’ pre-bloodsucking days, he was the happy and carefree one of the two brothers. So his dad thought he sucked at life, his brother was bopping around with his girl and that girl was drinking his blood while telling him lies about living happily ever after. So, what? That’s a small price to pay for being given the gift of being eternally hot. Don’t get me started on those freaking boots. Just cut it out with those rain boots. Cut it out right now! They are cheap, shiny black rain boots that Damon would never wear. The Salvatores were straight ballers back in the day. They wore pure man boots made of leather and other expensive shit like that. Giuseppe would be insulted. Never mind the fact that this looks NOTHING like Damon Salvatore. So you got the hair and skin color right? Congrats! Someone hit redo on this shit.
Throw-Back Stefan Salvatore: Hmmm… Stefan. Where do I start? Other than the fact that Stefan looks like Oliver Twist, I think they nailed it. NOT! Plus, don’t even get me going on those fucqueing boots again. #realtalk. His tie looks like the scrap fabric from the clearance bin at JoAnn Fabrics. Remember the flashback episodes? They had crisp, bouffant-like ties pinned down with emerald tacks. #PURECLASS. This doll doesn’t even resemble Stefan in the slightest! This is freaking offensive. Again with the orange hair! Why are doll makers constantly turning him into a ginger? Where is the chiseled jaw and the hot ass cheek bones? Where did you put them doll makers? Were you jealous of his well-sculpted bone structure? That must be it, because I don’t even know what other excuse you could have for making him look like this and dressing him like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast.
Also, I’m not an accredited archaeologist like Elena, (remember her deductive history reasoning from the Originals cave with cryptic symbols? Right…) ANYWAYS, I am pretty sure that their outfits scream Revolutionary War and not Civil War period-esque. These guys look like the militia drifters from 1776. UGH!!
Ok, I think we need to stop before our fangs pop out and we start attacking people rocking pea-coats and shitty hair on the street. Leave your comments on these throw-back Salvatore dolls and tell us what you think. It’s just another unfortunate case of #dollfail. #fangsout