Well hell, fire and damnation. What the fuck just happened? I know we say this every week, but holy mackerel, that was intense. Seriously, best ep this season. Let’s do a recap of our Supes in Bon Temps.
1. Alcide. THANK YOU, WRITERS. I’m glad your pens finally had enough ink to write out, “Alcide takes his shirt off for three minutes in Scene 1”. I mean really, this is HBO, which means you have like 57 minutes of script to write. I don’t care if he doesn’t even have any speaking lines for the whole 57 minutes. I just want to see the goods. PS-did ya’ll call Tim McGraw? (yeah that just rhymed.) Because his ass in those jeans… ”Were” have you been all my life Alcide?
2. Eric. Shady business glamouring Alcide to be “repulsed” by Sookie. Jealous much? But, well played Eric, well played. Is it strange that the way you wiped Alcide’s face kind of turned me on? Anyone else? No? #justsaying. PS, your sister is, as Roman would say, “bat shit crazy”. ‘Sup with her all coked-out kneeling on the ground bantering about how “she’s here” and “it’s time” and blah blah. What is all this Lillith mumbo jumbo? Why hasn’t she seen the true death yet? Are they just going to keep her locked in that room of silver with the turbo-sized tanning bulbs? At least she beat Tara for holding the record of wearing the same outfit the longest. Congrats Nora! You probably smell like shit. I think it seems obvious that Salome had something to do with this. She got all weird when Roman talked about killing Russell that night and looked guilty as hell when Roman got staked. You conniving old biblical skank.
3. Bill. Geez oh petes. That scene with him pretending to glamour Sookie took me back to the old days. That was intense and oh so romantic. I almost went back to Team Bill/Sook for a hot minute, but then I remembered how he was initially hired by Queen Sophie Anne to hunt her fairy-ass down. Which brings me to my next point…
4. Sookie’s Parents. So NOW we know Sookie’s band-aid in the backseat is what got her parents killed (so we think). Which, PS, that is like highly unsanitary. Kids spread germs faster than a wildfire, and if you were next up for the neighborhood carpool, you’d have some pretty pissed off parents. Freaking nasty. But anyways, the vamp that killed them was so intrigued by Sookie’s blood that he/she must not have given up easily in search of her. Queen Sophie Anne knew about her…so is she the one that killed them? I don’t know. I am pretty sure it will be a HUGE surprise when we find out. Maybe it wasn’t even a vamp at all (fairy maybe?).
5. Sookie. First off, #madprops for showing up to work. Especially since your house is technically Eric’s, and I’m sure he takes care of all the bills. Not to mention the door that Tara broke. I mentioned this before but Eric, you’re a shitty ass landlord. Also, did you all catch in next week’s preview that her light-power thing like “run’s out” and she’ll need to be re-charged if she doesn’t limit how much she uses it? What is she, a freaking Prius?
6. Emma. OMFG. I want a puppy like that NOW. She is too cute. And don’t hate me, but I don’t think the Grandma is all that bad. She just wants to be a part of her granddaughter’s life. So she’s a little white trash. Aren’t we all? My boxed white collections speaks for itself. No doubt there will be more drama with the G-Ma and Luna though. It’s not possible for anyone’s storyline, life, to be normal in Bon Temps. Fat chance puppy Emma.
7. Sam. If you didn’t catch our latest “Save the Supes” blog post about why Sam is fucking awesome, glad you saw it in this episode. He saves his life AND Sheriff Bellefleur’s, AND he’s taking care of his peeps. All while running a successful restaurant business. Modern day shifter Superman. ’Nuff said.
8. Pam. I didn’t get to see enough of you tonight. Your fierce red leather was awesome though. Can you show Tara some love? I’m starting to not like her again and I’m really trying here. You may also want to invest in some outside security, because your customers are getting hate-crimed in the ally. #notcool
9. Tara. Stop pissing us off! I don’t care how fierce your makeover is, nobody likes you right now. I’m glad Pam grabbed your fresh weave and let you know that “this ain’t your house bitch.” I’m cutting your re-cap short. #dueces
10. Jessica. Are you just depressed or lonely? Both? Well either way, shape your shit up. I know you got dealt a bad deck of cards but…oh, wait, I’m sorry, you’re going to be HOT AND YOUNG FOREVER AND YOUR DAD IS IN REAL GOOD WITH THE VAMPIRE AUTHORITY. Guess what? I’m twenty-five, and I have to start buying moisturizer with SPF in it because I got my first wrinkle. Stop sulking and be that fiery, bad-ass redhead we would kill to be. And also, please step out into the ally because Hoyt just got kidnapped by some dudes with Obama masks. #jealousexgirlfriendfail
11. Jason. We got to see Daddy Stackhouse. What is going on with your dad and your creepy dreams? Who/what should you be afraid of? Why did you wake up right before he said it? That is so frustrating. Hopefully we find out next week.
12. Arlene. That shit just broke my heart. Terry’s curse storyline is stupid, but that scene where he hugs her and runs out of Merlotte’s was so sad. Can we give her a break? No, I don’t mean a lunch break. I mean a bona fide life break where she doesn’t have to worry about killer husbands and creepy babies. Her first husband was a crazy Cajun serial killer, and her second husband is a cursed crazy war vet. Stop falling for murderers Arlene! Cheese and crackers! Please let her make out with Alcide next week, or at least touch his abs. That should fix her right up.
13. Hot werewolf chick. So, she’s Alcide’s “second”. Yeah, they’re going to hook up. Is that Janalynn? Anyone know who this bizznatch is? Regardless, she sure picked the winning team. You know damn well that Alcide is going to kick that other trashy V’ed-up were’s ass! Not just because he is bigger and stronger, but because he’s a main character in the show and he can’t die and I’m sure they will be fighting to the death.
14. Roman. Dude! You just got SERVED. I thought Russell was all silvered-up? Not so much. Why was he melting? Did the stake not go all the way through? Some “Authority” huh? They just let him get staked. I’m glad I don’t have those disloyal bastards in my circle of friends. However, maybe they all got a little tired of Roman screaming about chaos like a maniac. We get it Roman! This all furthers my suspicion that Salome has something to do with it. Someone in that room is on Russell’s side, I’m guessing her. May I also mention that Roman’s shirt matched the cobalt blue couches that were in their dreary and drab vampire lair? Who’s your decorator? Way to use a punch of color to jazz up that room. Anyway, I will miss Roman if he actually died, but Russell is the perfect villain. I’m glad we get to keep him for a little while longer.
15. Lafayette. Can we talk about Lala’s mama for a second? Her and Nora should hang out because she is also “bat shit crazy” and we learn that maybe Lafayette got his medium-ness passed down to him by his mother. *Sings* “He get it from his mama.” I give Lafayette a lot of credit for two reasons: 1. He was rocking a totally fabulous gold hair wrap in this episode. Work it. 2. He didn’t even say anything back when his mama told him Jesus loves little faggots. Lala is a classy lady. Now it looks like he’s going to have to cross the border and save the trapped, creepy looking, sewn-up-lips head of dead Jesus.
What the hell is going to happen next week? Russell looks like he’s ready to party and honey badger don’t give a SHIT. Leave your comments, hookahs. #fangsout