TRUE BLOOD RECAP – 5×05 LET’S BOOT ‘N’ RALLY, BITCHES

Ok, let me just start by saying, that episode blew my mind. So intense! Can we please address the fact that this episode was only about 50 minutes long? So disappointing. WHY do you do this to me? The worst feeling ever is looking at your clock and realizing you only have 10 minutes left of True Blood and last night’s final 10 minutes were missing. I’ll let it go because I love you so much True Blood. I would have to hold it against any other show though. Any who, let’s boot n’ rally bitches and discuss Episode five’s dirty deets.

1. Sookie: FINALLY Alcide takes his shirt off. He’s thinking he’s going to get some of Sookie’s cookies and then she ruins everything by puking on him which makes him put his shirt back on. Never mind the fact that their steamy jaunt probably wouldn’t have gotten that far since Bill and Eric were in her house and watching. I’m pretty sure Alcide’s pride just took a big blow. #embarrassing I like tipsy Sook and I’m glad she has come to terms with the fact that this drama and danger will probably never go away. “Must be Thursday!” I need to get me whatever it was she was drinking. Schnapps? Honey badger don’t give a shiiitt. She is down to participate in the hunt for Russell. “Let’s boot n rally!” May I ask how she has been living in a house the past few days with no glass in that door? I think in the hood people duct tape trash bags over broken windows. Can someone tell Sookie that she needs to get on that? Eric you’re a shitty landlord. With all the people out there trying to kill you I would think you wouldn’t feel safe like that, but hey, what the hell do I know?

2. Sam/Luna/Emma: Two of Sam’s animal-shifter naked-night-running buddies just got murdered! They always threw the best damn dinner parties too. Crying shame. Who could be out to get them? Sam goes to Luna’s house to give her the news. Sam hears a noise and says “Hark, what tis that?” Luna says “Oh, that’s just Emma.” What she meant was: “Oh, that’s just puppy-Emma eating her daily helping of Iam’s mini-chunks.” Luna and Sam got shot by that truck bed full of masked supe-haters! What the hell you ass munchers? Sam looks like he is still alive but Luna… not so much. I’m sure she will still live though because they showed her discussing the next episode in that after-show cast discussion thing. I don’t think we’ve seen the last of her character. Emma shifts into uber cute puppy-Emma and books it into the woods. Thank you so much Emma for not being like those stupid kids in movies that run right into danger to try to help their dying parents and then just get shot themselves. Someone throw these shifters a bone.

3. Russell: So Russell is used to living a really lavish and posh lifestyle (remember his swanky mansion with Talbot), so he has got to be super pissed about staying in that creepy abandoned, rat-infested building for so long making him even more angry about life than he already is. Also, did anyone else think he looked like a little baby Benjamin Button when he was being carried? *Raising hand, jumping up and down* I did! I did! Russell is acting like he’s decrepit and weak but it’s exactly that, an act, because then he basically says, “Bring it on bitches!” He’s awfully excited to see Sook too. Previews for next week show that Russell is going to want some Sookie blood! Nom nom nom. We know he gets captured though because we see Roman yelling “It’s about order” to him. We get it Roman, you’re a really big fan of order. Xanax buddy… Xanax. Anyway, I am so glad we don’t have to look at flashbacks of Russell’s nasty face anymore. He can eat as many innocent people as he needs to heal as long as I never have to see that grotesque version of him ever again. Ew.

4. Lafayette: I freaking KNEW Jesus would make a reappearance this week, even if it was just his head. We still don’t know who took him out of that god forsaken hand chair but we do know that we are not done with his story just yet. Yes! I love me some Jesus. I’m not going to lie, I was thoroughly creeped out by his head with the whole sewn up lips thing. Scared the holy crap-moly out of me. That was Lafayette’s mom that Jesus was the nurse for right? What does she have to do with all of this? I need to know more. I also need someone to take those stiches out of Jesus’ lips before I can look at him again.

5. Terry: Surprise. Surprise. Terry and his friend were captured after “sneaking” up on that crazy fellow by shining flashlights into his hidey-spot window. Geniuses. This guy talks about how he saw that the fire had a face in it and he Googled it so now he knows it was from that curse that the lady they killed put on them when they were overseas. What the flippin’ cat scratch did you Google dude? ‘Relentless evil spirit face in house fire that is out to kill all involved in death of Middle Eastern woman by soldiers as well as all the people they love.’ I just don’t think he would have found accurate results. I’m also not sure what website he found this on but I would like someone to warn him that Wikipedia isn’t always a reliable source (per my college professors). I don’t know if he’s aware of that. Whateva. It looks like now Terry is going to try to keep Arlene and the babes safe by leaving them. Meh.

6. Hoyt: Nice to see you are still donning strange hooded tops and liquid black eyeliner. I know you are trying to fit in at Fangtasia but NO fang-bangers wear that shit. You look more like you belong at Cirque-De-Fairy in the meadow. Whoever gave Tara her makeover needs to get their hands on Hoyt and work their beautifying magic. Tara, why would you go after your new baby-vamp BFF’s old beau and start sucking him dry in the next stall over. I mean, there are just some lines that you can’t cross. Girl code hookuh. How did Jessica not realize Hoyt was in the next stall over either? Step your game up Jess.

7. Andy: I did not enjoy seeing you naked… again. You are constantly finding yourself in compromising situations. Quit it. I mean “cheese and crackers Andy”, no one wants to see your downstairs mix-up so grab your mama’s antique afghan and cover your junk up. You found out you bopped a fairy. Don’t act so disgusted. Marlena (or however you spell it) was freaking gorgeous so you should be happy that it even happened. I am glad you decided you want to go steady with Holly even though I haven’t seen you guys together all season. You should probably get on that.

8. Jason – Jason, like Andy, wakes up naked at his house after his meadow fairy trip but somehow I don’t mind seeing Jason like this. He has a seriously odd dream about his childhood. Lil’ Sook is there along with their parents. Can I just say, that their PJ’s are way too cute? Then we see his parents start bleeding out of their necks and his mommy says some quite strange sexual shit to him and he wakes up obviously shaken. This dream mixed with Hadley’s comment about his parents give me the impression that Jason is going to spend this season uncovering the truth about his parent’s death. J-Stacks is on a mission!

9. Tara – Stop being such a little bitch! Everyone is trying their hardest to be nice and understanding, but girl, you need to get it together. I don’t know if you left the compassionate and kind part of your brain on Sookie’s kitchen floor, but stop being so dang nasty to people who are trying to help you. I will say though that you looked extra fierce in your studded corset and your new weave. Work it.

Let’s just hope that Eric and Bill can capture Russell so that they can get those restricting bomb-bras off their bods. I can’t wait to find out who the girl was that released Russell. Lilith? I don’t know. Just speculating because I don’t think it was Nora. They never figure things out that easily. Nice try though Bill. Well, I’m going to go nurse my fangover now. Leave your thoughts and comments. #bootnrally

xoxo,

Team TSD

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