TRUE BLOOD RECAP – 5×04 PAM GETS RELEASED, SOOKIE GETS ASS & TARA GETS A NEW SHIRT

Best episode yet?! I think so! We got more fairy action, Tara finally got a shower and new clothes, and we ALMOST saw Alcide shirtless. Now let’s get down to the dirty deets.

1. Fairy Strip Club. More like Cirque du Soleil but with tall and sexy people. Did that look more like a carnival to you than Magic Mike? I thought so too. The guys were hot, but I felt like I was at a gay pride festival and not a strip club. And that’s not a bad thing, just a whole separate subject. What’s up with Hadley? Why didn’t hooker tell Jason about his parents? Sounds to me like they got sucked dry by some vamps and NOT by a flood. Whoops. Did anyone else catch that the least bit of fairy blood means you are knee deep in you know what? Better get your stun gun out, Officer Jason Stackhouse, because some vamp is looking for daylight and they’ll suck your pretty face till next Tuesday for it.

 
2. Pam. Well look at our little Pamela, all grown up and leaving the nest. Loved the “congrats you’re a grandpa” quip. She’s so witty. And how about that fierce pink jumpsuit? Nothing says new Maker Mom like a Soccer Mom Juicy Couture jumpsuit. Now get Tara in line and make her stop being so whiny. She has ERIC NORTHMAN’S blood for crying out loud so she’s basically vampire royalty. You need to get her a new weave, new wardrobe, and a new attitude STAT. The previews for next week’s episode show a sneak peek of a new possible fab and fierce Tara.

 
3. Terry. Ok, I’m still not sure what the hell is going on? All I know is that is exactly why you are not supposed to drink booze and do illegal drugs when you are serving overseas. This group of bafoons just couldn’t follow the rules and got themselves into some real shit. I want to know how Terry and his friend were so freaking bad at sneaking up on someone when they are ex-military. You shone a freakin flashlight into the window of the building you were trying to sneak into for heaven’s sake. Way to use your military training boys. Fail. I don’t know what’s going on with all the toddler cave paintings in that building. I’m sure we’ll find out more next episode.

 
4. Sookie. Well, it’s about time sister got herself a drink. She is always stirring up some kind of drama, when she should be keeping her nose out of trouble and stirring up a cocktail. What’s wrong with jamming out to oldies by yourself with a suicide drink from the liquor cabinet? NOTHING. Top it off with a shirtless Alcide and you got my dream I have every night. #realtalk. I like how she reacted when Alcide told her that he told Debbie’s parents what happened. She barely even cared. If one of those cocktails can make a bitch not care that she’s about to go to jail for murder, then I need the recipe because it will sure as hell make me not give a shit about my laundry, my dishes or my cat’s litter box. F*ck it. ”Just kidding” says Alcide, “I only told them the half truth.” Sookie is so grateful, “Score! Let’s get wasted and make out.”

 
5. Eric. Oh, my sweet, sexy Eric. How HOT did he look in that suit? MMMM. I’d take the storage room at Fantangsia over that circus fairy stripper club any day. I can’t believe he released Pam! We didn’t even get to see their good bye sex. Bah humbug. At least we know he did it to save her life. He is always so selfless! Why can’t Sookie see that and just go back to him? At least she is filling her void with Alcide’s six pack. Well played, Sook, well played.

 
6. Lafayette. Why are you getting all demon on me? You bout’ killed Sookie! Sorry that you were freaking out and really needed to talk to Sookie, but she was too busy getting lit on Gran’s antique sofa and singing about pina coladas. What a friend. Since he is a medium or whatever, is it really him or is it some brujo joker using his body? I don’t think Jesus would do that. Especially to Sookie. I mean, come on, the guy’s name is JESUS. Where is his body anyways? Ugh.

 
7. Bill. Why you creepin’ on Sookie and Alcide? I guess I would be checking out Alcide, too, if I got a chance to see him shirtless. Bill, if you’re into that kind of thing, head over to Cirque de Fairy in meadow. Pretty sure, though, if you headed that way you would get fairy light-sabered to another planet. Speaking of…

 
8. Jason and Sheriff Bellefleur. Apparently riding in a limo with a bag on your head is just part of the fun in Bon Temps because I don’t know who the hell would not find that odd. They thought that shit was completely fine. You won’t make that mistake again will yah? Why the hell did the fairies get all shitty with Jason anyway? Why can’t he know what really happened to his parents? Aren’t they all like family and stuff? Shouldn’t they be trying to save him? Freaking weird. From what I’ve seen, fairies are really horny and very temperamental. I understand you’ve been rockin’ out in the badlands for the last couple thousand years, but we got this thing called Xanax on the motherland. Pop one and take a chill pill. Sheesh.

 
9. Sam. Your friends got shot. You should probably turn into a hawk or something and get the hell out of there. It looked like it would have been a pretty sweet dinner party though.

 
10. Claude. Where was he in this episode? From what I hear, he is a badass stripper in the books, one that would give Channing Tatum a run for his money (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, go see Magic Mike. You’re welcome.) So maybe Claude owns Cirque de Fairies? He should have backed Jason up. Yeah, we are still pissed about that.

Ok, a lot just happened and I’m a little lost. I’m going to take Sookie’s advice and get hammered, and maybe a hot werewolf will show up to join the party. #fangsout

xoxo,

Team TSD

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