TRUE BLOOD RECAP – 5×03 TARA TAKES HER TEMPER-TANTRUM TO MERLOTTE’S & ERIC IS SOMEONE’S SLOPPY SECONDS

Say what?! I’m still reeling from last night’s episode (total #Fangover). So much is going on with our beloved True Blood fam, I don’t even know where to begin. Here’s what TB served up last night worth discussing:

Tara – Homegirl has spent three full episodes in that bloody outfit. Did anyone ever think that maybe that’s what she’s so upset about? Have you ever seen how upset a baby gets when they have to hang out in their nasty diaper all day? It’s essentially the same thing. Perhaps, if Sookie could have offered her one of her cutesy sundresses, Tara would stop going ape shit on everyone! Can we talk about how cool being a new vamp must be though? After she was done throwing a temper-tantrum and super speed-walking away from Sookie and Lafayette, she looked up at the night sky and it reminded me of those sweet planetarium field trips I used to go on in school. Those were the shit. One might think that would make being a forever-dead, blood-sucking creature of the night a little bit better. Apparently not though, because Tara continues to pout and throw a hissy fit until she finds herself in Merlotte’s cooler taking a tiger snooze next to the ingredients of Sunday’s chili special. Talk about a power nap! She wakes up and scratches the shit out of Lafayette’s arm. Hooka, that is your cousin. I don’t even know what is going to happen to Tara but obviously Pam is going to feel obligated to control her and teach her how to be a badass yet responsible vamp like herself. I wish Pam could be MY life coach. Jealous.

Andy – Nice ass! True Blood actually taught everyone a valuable lesson with this episode. They tackled the issue of the ever-present dangers of online social networking. You have to be careful about who you let take pictures of you naked, they could end up on FaceBook. Incriminating pictures could ruin your career as well and cause you to lose respect at the workplace (in some cases it can create you a career like Kim K but that’s not the point). Way to slip that little nugget of wisdom in there on us HBO. 😉 It reminds me of the commercial where the parents know there is healthy shit in the cereal but the kids don’t and they love it because they think it’s bad for them. Haha! Tricked yah!

Jason – Shit is getting deep with Jason (and slightly creepy). We learned that maybe J-Stacks is such a sex god because of his former teacher. He must have been like 14 years old when all that happened so that’s a tad bit disturbing. This illegal union that became a strange and awkward reunion is making him face his past demons and Jessica is right by his side to help him. J-Stacks + Vamp Princess Jessica = BFF. Too cute. Now just be boyfriend and girlfiend already!

Jessica – Those of us who read the Sookie Stackhouse novels know who that was that Jessica smelled and chased into an open field. Bonjour Claude! On an inhaled  fairy blood scent high, she rushes over to try to bop J-Stacks and his buns of steal but he rejects her by saying, “Wah, I don’t want to be a man-whore anymore.” She’s cool with that though. See above.

Pam Flashback – So now we know how Eric met Pam and also Lorena and Bill. Pam offers Eric one of her brothel babes, but no, Eric wants Pam. “Everything has a price” he says to her. Eric and Pam go looking for a room to bump and grind in and find Bill and Lorena draining one of Pam’s whores. Eric reprimands Lorena for not controlling her brand new vamp, Bill. Bill acts all tough and macho and Eric pretty much makes him look like a little bitch. Lorena and Bill make a swift exit and Pam and Eric get going on the horizontal mambo. Ok Pam, how did all that blood and drama not kill your mood girlfriend? Did someone even take that half-dead chick to the hospital? Maybe Pam was about to fire her anyway. Pam, you’re a bad boss. Someone call OSHA! This brothel probably needs to be shut down. Anyway, Pam wants to become a vamp and when Eric refuses, she cuts her wrists and gives him an ultimatum. Turn her or watch her die. Ew!

Alcide – He pretty much calls Sookie out on her shit. I’m sure he’s pissed about her murdering Debbie and hiding her body and then not telling anyone, but she did attempt to kill Sook twice. I’m pretty sure there is a law that says if someone tries to kill you twice you can kill them, dispose of their bodies and not tell anyone. Yah… that sounds right.

Old Biblical Vampire Ho-bag – I do NOT like her. As soon as her and Bill started getting it on I knew she had an alterior motive. Holy trouser snake Bill! I didn’t think a vampire could even whip it out that fast. Freaky. Then she makes Eric her sloppy seconds and my suspicions are confirmed. Roman, control your old lady! I’m still confused on who exactly this broad is but I do know she needs to keep her clothes on and leave my boys alone!

Steve Newlin – He’s the new Nan! What? He is a complete wimp and coward compared to Nan but I’m sure that is what Roman wants so he can manipulate him. Newlin is an oozing ball of rainbow bright, vampire putty in Roman’s hands.

Hoyt – Were you wearing Lancome Artline Eye-liner in Noir? That’s good stuff. I’d also like to know where on God’s green Earth you got your outfit. As if a fishnet top is not bad enough, it was hooded. When my lovers break up with me I usually cope by going goth and visiting Fangtasia in hopes of being fed on by a random vamp too. We’ve all been there Hoyt… However, next time, may I just suggest a weekend alone with 3 tubs of Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream, the Best Of Celine Dion album and the Hallmark Movie Chanel. It’s kind of like a trifecta of heart healing super powers.

I still don’t know what to say about Terry’s story because I don’t know what the hell is going on. Maybe next episode.

*SIDE NOTES*

Did any Sookie Stackhouse Novel lovers catch them say someone thought they saw Elvis the other day? Bubba reference! Loved it.

Let’s trend #TakeYourShirtOffAlcide.

Does anyone else feel like each episode leaves you will more questions than answers? Anyway, that episode pretty much kicked ass and the previews for the next episode look AMAZE! Comment and let us know what you think. 🙂 #fangsout

xoxo,

Team TSD

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s