TRUE BLOOD RECAP – 5×07 WELL HELLO, LILITH. NICE TO MEET YOU.

Holy blood-thirsty drugged up vampire death brigade! This episode was nuts, and as always, it leaves me with more questions than answers. There was more human buffet nastiness, pole dancing and crying men in open fields than I knew what to do with. What the hell is going on? Let’s sink our fangs into this “In the Beginning” Recap and get down to the dirty deets.

Authority & Gang – First, may I say that Russell is the ultimate TV villain? What a sarcastic, well-dressed, cocky little bastard. I am so glad he is back in the picture. He says, “it’s olive branch time.” Unless olive branch time means mass murder time, then I don’t know what the hell he was talking about. My favorite part of the whole Authority ordeal was when Eric said “Go fuck yourself Nora” because that is exactly what I was thinking too. You got my beloved Eric and Bill into this mess with your crazy Lillith bullshit so i do not like you. So, Authority & gang drink the blood of Lillith which shouldn’t do anything right? Wrong. They were completely jacked up and roaming the streets like a band of vampire gypsies just ready to fuck shit up. They proceeded to bust into some club and eat EVERYONE. I did not see that coming and it was a total blood bath. Something tells me some of them may regret this when they come down from their blood high. #fangover? Godric makes a reappearance in a last ditch effort to pull Eric out of his drug stupor and Lillith makes her first appearance via puddles of spilled blood on the club floor. All we know about Lillith so far is that she is still in really great shape for someone her age and she breaths this strange foggy blood mist. Bitch, that is how diseases are spread. Keep it to yourself.

Sookie – Why the hell are you trying to get rid of the ONE thing that you have as a defense against the vampires that are trying to kill you? So, you just found out your parents got killed by a vamp because of your careless band-aid disposal? Well, so what? You have 3 hot sex-gods that are in love with you, you have a fierce sundress collection, perfect blonde locks, a job that you don’t have to even go to and you never get fired, a next door neighbor who’s a powerful vampire king and a whole kitchen drawer full of kickass comfort food recipes from your dead Gran. Get it together Sook. Your life ain’t that bad. Now stop shooting your fairy beams into the sky because it’s pretty much the equivalent of yelling “I’m a fucking fairy ya’ll” into a megaphone and your ass is about to get eaten.

Alcide – His shirt was off for a solid 3 minutes. Bam bitches! Go #teamtakeyourshirtoffalcide

Lafayette – Oh my Lala, you have the worst luck of anyone in Bon Temps. That god-forsaken hand chair finally made a reappearance and it was cradling Jesus’ creepy dead head in it’s royal blue palm. I feel like it would have started decomposing by now, but what the hell do I know about decapitated heads? Perhaps that warlock bastard did you a favor Lala by getting that chair out of your house because that thing is ugly as hell. This scene completely freaked me out. Lala goes into the house and calls out like someone is just going to say, “What’s up Lala? Want to split a piece of homemade pie and test out this new margarita recipe I just found?” No hookah! You knew you were about to get in some serious shit going in there. You should have just found the sewing kit, taken the evidence and got your fabulous ass out of there. What’s with the sewn up lips thing anyway? Ay caramba! I officially have no idea what the french toast is going on with this story line.

Tara – Skank! It seems like she is quite enjoying her new life as a vampire stripper at Fangtasia. However, that is probably one thing you never want your mother to see you doing. It is only fitting that Tara’s bad luck streak continues when her bitchass mother walks in and confronts her. She tells Tara that she is dead to her and Tara acts like she doesn’t give a rat’s ass but she does. We see a more nurturing side of Pam (for like 20 seconds). I don’t know where the hell Tara’s storyline is going but I miss the old Pam.

Terry – This makes two episodes in a row that you have been crying with another man in the middle of a field. You need to get your life together. There are about 234,475,456 supernatural creatures in a 25 mile radius that can help you figure out what the hell is going on with your fire spirit haunting business. Get on that, STAT because I’m tired of watching you act like a little bitch and seeing Arlene cry over your shotty homemade wedding videos.

Jason/Jessica – Being Team Stacksica (best I could do), I did NOT enjoy the J-Stacks/Jessica scene last night. Jessica, you should have rinsed your mouth out for crying out loud. Again, this is how diseases are spread people! On the other hand, Jason had no right to shoot you in the head. She’s lucky that she has a mansion full of servants who can clean that wall up for her because I’m pretty sure Bill would not want his humble abode splattered with vampire brains and blood. It could send the wrong message to house guests. I am impressed a bullet through the brain barely phased Jessica though. She is one tough warrior princess. Bill would be proud and if he ever comes home from his blood bender to check on his daughter maybe he can take her out for some celebratory ice cream. Now kiss and make up J-Stacks and Jess, because I want you guys to fall in love, get married and live happily ever after.

Sam – So, Sam is still on the hunt for the perps, Luna is still posted up in the hospital and Emma is still on Iam’s puppy mini-chunks and in the care of her were-grandmother. I’d say life sucks for all three of them right now. The supe-hating murderers acquired a new member though, Hoyt Fortenberry. They roped him in by telling him “hate groups are about more than just hate” and used the mysterious allure of a secret head-honcho named Dragon. I doubt Hoyt would ever hurt Sam and deep down he still loves Jessica, so I’m sure he will actually end up helping to bring these assholes to justice. His mama raised him right. For now though Sam, I’m going to have to ask you to stop rolling around on the floor trying to pick up people’s scents. It’s highly unattractive.

Andy – I’m not even going to touch the interaction between him and old Sheriff Dearborn. That scene was random, weird and unnerving. Ew! Yes Andy, you kind of suck at your job but we still love you. Just quit finding yourself in compromising positions, ok?

Last night was so action-packed, I could go on forever. Leave your comments about this recap and your predictions for next week’s episode. I’m going to go nurse my fangover now. #fangsout

XOXO,

Team TSD

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