TRUE BLOOD RECAP – 5×09 EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD, SO HEADS DOWN AND TITS UP

Holy guacamole and chips! Drama. Drama. Drama. Is it just me or did you guys feel like we FINALLY got some good action and great story lines here? I was beginning to feel like things were moving awfully slow. We got our sassy Lala back and Arlene finally got some fight in her. Get it girl! That is one fierce mama. This was the best episode yet in our opinion, so let’s get on down to the dirty deets.

Lafayette – Well, we totally called the whole Whoopi “Ghost” thing didn’t we? No big deal. #swag. Lala had no shortage of fabulous one-liners in this episode. Our Lala is back! Anyway, Sookie enlists Lala into helping her figure out what is going on with the creepy vampire presence that showed up in her bathroom and threatened her. That vamper spirit obviously doesn’t understand personal space. So, Lala tries to help and asks aloud “Creepy spirit thingy. Why you in Sookie’s bathroom?” Good question, Lala. The spirit doesn’t answer though. They move on to Sookie’s bedroom where he hears a boat load of spirits talking to him all at once. Slow down, he says! “I ain’t G-Mail for dead bitches.” Gran tells Lala to tell Sookie to look under the bed for clues about her parent’s death. This is one twisted game of Telephone. Sook and Lala find out that Sheriff Dearborn found Sook’s parents bodies, so she heads to his place to investigate where we found…

Hoyt – He got munched on and trampled by fracking pigs. That has to be the shittiest way one could possibly die. Where’s the vamp juice? Someone needs to heal a brother! Jason, you promised Jessica you would take care of that shit. Also, that is the most back-woods means of body disposal I have ever seen. WTF, Supe haters? I don’t care if it’s politically ironic. It was weird and you’ve officially ruined my love of bacon and peanut butter sandwiches. Speaking of disposing of bodies…

Terry/Arlene – I feel like Terry and Arlene should have at least said thank you to the fire monster, Mr. (Mrs?) Ifrit, when it consumed Patrick. They would have had to worry about a story, removing the body, alibis, cleaning, burying, etc. They got off the hook easily on that one. I have to say I was shocked that Terry actually pulled the trigger. For a moment I thought he was going to turn the gun on himself. Whatevs. Now Terry and Arlene can go make some more babies and live happily ever after. Fat chance. Bon Temps is the equivalent of Mystic Falls, VA (for you, “The Vampire Diaries” lovers), the death rate is 90%, 85% of the population are Supes, and your family and friends are constantly thrown into life threatening situations. #lifesucks

Jessica – She is naturally shaken at the station. She got shot in the head by the person she loves, silvered and almost murdered by the other person she cares about. PLUS her father has been missing forever. Absentee fathers are the worst. Does he want her to grow up with daddy issues? #rude. Anyway, Jason comes to the station and Jessica tells him that he needs to go find Hoyt and that he’s in trouble. She also answered the one question about vampires that I have always wondered about when she said, “Jason, I don’t take dumps. Lucky!              #anotherreasoniwishiwasavampire

Pam – Poor Pam is trying to run a bar and raise a baby-vamp all by herself. Teen Moms, can you help out here? We forget that Pam is just over 100 years old, which is a teenager in vamp years. *queue bad 80’s song* “SHE WORK HARD FOR THE MONEY! SO HARD FOR IT HONEY”. Tara comes in and stocks up bottles of True Blood. She calls Pam out on missing Eric (which she obviously does) and Pam replies by saying, “Just because we drank a bitch together doesn’t make us Oprah and Gayle. Get the fuck back to work.” Pam, I’ve told you this before when we saw your brothel running days, but you can be a real shitty boss sometimes. Her poor attitude got her ass kicked by some Tim Burton cartoon-character-looking vamp who was drinking some hooker on Eric’s chair. AHH! CHAOS!

Andy – Bon Temps’ number one Sheriff knows that he pretty much sucks at it, but he keeps his optimism in check and still tries to be a leader. He consoled Jason by telling him that he “uses his dick as a compass,”. Not quite sure how that was supposed to make Jason feel better but it’s the thought that counts. He recognizes old Sheriff Dearborn’s boots in a hate-crime-obama-mask-wearin’ YouTube video and they head over to the pig farm to get shit done. Watch out, Ex-Sheriff Dearborn! Jason and Andy are going Dukes of Hazzard on your ass! Andy blows a hole the size of a moonpie in Dearborn’s belly and all is right in the world. Except for the fact that there’s a video camera with a live podcast showing Sam Merlotte’s goods while he’s shiftin’ and kickin’ ass. BAM!

Sookie – Bet you’re sorry you zapped all your light power out now aren’t you? #lessonlearned. Even though you were actually looking hot in this episode and not hungover, it still didn’t save you from getting slipped oxy-mountain-dew. PS-Can you ask your Fairy God Family to hook a sista up with the powers? Bill has OFFICIALLY gone to the dark side (#DarthVadar)­­ and he needs his Queen Amidala to lock that shit down. Can’t you telepathically send him a naked picture of your fairy self and get him outta that Authority concentration camp? Speaking of…

The Authority. Holy Penis! Is HBO allowed to show a limp showboat? Because if so, we have been waaayyy too censored here at TeamTSD. Moving on…is there an ulterior motive with the Authority? Or are they seriously bat shit crazy? I’m thinking crazy-train. Even the awkward hipster techy-girl told Eric they were, “totally fucking fucked”. Thanks, Juno, but can you come up with a plan better than silvering Eric’s politically genius sister into beeping you out of the compound? Sheesh. Those Sangui-assholes have blown up three True Blood factories now in Texas, Japan & somewhere else random (prob Russia), VAMP WORLD TAKEOVER! Haven’t they seen Daybreakers? That shit’s not going to work out. PS I want Nora’s purple dress.

Sam/Luna – Sam and Luna shift into flies to get the low-down on the Supe-haters from Andy and Jason at the station. Then they shift into pigs to save Sookie from the Obama masked Supe loving murderers. Naked-Sam saves Sookie, Andy saves Naked-Sam and Naked-Luna beats the shit out of Sweetie. Everything is all good now right? Hell no. This is Bon Temps. Balls! Puppy Emma got taken by Russell. If she had been in human form, this never would have happened. Who just lets a young girl hang out in puppy form all the time anyway? It’s so weird. So, Newlin gets his first pet and Andy gets to issue an Amber Alert. A Bon Temps sheriff’s job is never finished.

Eric – “Put the baby fangs away, you’re pissing me off.” Eric is too old for this bullshit. He’s sick and tired of trying to save the mainstream world. Team Seric! He loves Sook, and he doesn’t want the Lilith leaches going searching for her fae-blood. He tried to convince Bill to sneak out of their basement Authority Prison, but Bill had other things on his mind like…

Bill – Creepy Salome/Sookie/Skinless Lilith sex. EW! Bill is a traitor! What the heck, man? Not only are you having gypsy role-play sex with Salome, but your inner conscience was telling you that you LOVE SOOKIE and you need to get the french toast out of there. But then the Devil on your left shoulder switched glasses on you, and your blood beer goggles showed you that crazy Lilith. Why do they love her so much? She looks like one of those things at the “Bodies” exhibit where my 10th grade science class took a field trip. It smelled like dead frogs and rubber. #yuck

Alcide. Considering you are my favorite, I’ll look past the fact that your teenaged self in a flashback had caterpillar eyebrows and creepy pedophile eyes for young Debbie. Ms. Pelt was a good cast, though. Well done, True Blood casting department, well done. ‘Sup with your dad being all deadbeat and stuff? In the flashback he was all Indiana Jones: shirtless with a leather vest and inspirational speeches. All he was missing was that whip! Looks like he needs someone now to “whip” him back in shape. Ok, I’m done with the puns. Alcide, please just head home and get poor baby Emma out of Newlin and Russell’s hands. TeamTSD totally supports homosexual rights and all, but we DO NOT condone giving drugs to minors. #hollaD.A.R.E.program

So I would like to end this recap with some important fun facts we learned from tonight’s episode: 1) Not just vamps wear leather, shifters do too. Nice cattle cut, Luna. You looked fierce. 2) Vamps cannot take “dumps”. Thanks, Jason/Jessica, for that unnecessary, but interesting, factoid. 3) Fairies care about you when you’re sick. That was nice of Claude and crew to bring Sookie soup. Or was it “Supe Soup” to regenerate her lightening spirit fingers? Sorry, now I’m really done with the puns. Until next time, hookahs!

xoxo,

Team TSD

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