TRUE BLOOD RECAP – 5×08 I DON’T GIVE A TWIRLY F*CK

First off – Bravo, bravo. That episode was splendid. Secondly – Well Jesus, Mary and Lilith! I know it’s the same shiz every week, but that just blew my mind. If you were a fairy/half fae and you read my mind right now, it would say this: “EXPLOSION/ALCIDELOVEMAKIN/KABAM/NAKEDWEREWOLVES/BILLSCRAZY/***#$*#@$#”. I had to censor the other stuff because I keep forgetting you guys are like 16. LET’S GET DOWN TO THE DIRTY DEETS.

Sookie – What a touching moment with Jason telling Sookie that she is who she is because she has mom and dad in her and Sookie telling him she just wants to be normal because she’s tired of hearing people’s thoughts about sucking on her toes. So, they go hang out with Claude and he has a genius idea to go to where their parents died and use time machine wave frequency memory things to access Mama Stack’s memory from the night she died. Sookie accessed the memory, seeing Freddie Krueger Mystery Vamp eat her parents. Wait, now Sookie is connected to the vamp. Bam! Claudine shows up! Pow! She lighting strikes Freddy & Sook. Claude apparently thinks this is very bad news that Sookie connected with a vamp. Jason doesn’t “give a twirly fuck” about Claude’s elders and still just wants to know who the hell killed his parents. #hotmess

Tara – Finally, she gets some good one-liners and she is making Pam proud behind the bar at Fangtasia. Some brat from high school named Tracy comes in and insults Tara saying, “Now you’re a member of two minorities.” Bitch, say what? You must be stupid to say that to a vampire… in a vampire bar. Pam acts mad at Tara for being rude to Tracy at first but then actually locks Tracy up in the basement and gives her to Tara as a gift. Tara said she thought Pam was mad at her but Pam replies saying, “My mad face and my happy face are the same.” Pam’s one facial expression screams “badass”, and I can’t get enough. That geisha outfit she had on just took it to a whole new level too. Be proud Tara, cause your mama is THE SHIT. Anyway, this blonde bimbo deserves dungeon time for being so rude. #karmasabitch, and so are you.

Sam – Ok, the Sam story was hilarious this time. I know Luna was in pain and freaking out because she was rocking her boyfriend’s balls and had a bullet wound, but it was seriously funny to see Luna as Sam. Well done Sam Trammell. You almost kissed yourself. #weird.

Bill – Hey Anakin, did you turn to the dark side? SNAP. What the hell kind of Sanguinista kool-aid are you drinking? Sheesh! Did you not just have a flashback of your dying daughter? Guess what buddy, that was your conscience saying you’re in deep shit and you got to get the hell out of there. I’m sorry guys, but Bill ain’t in Kansas anymore and I don’t think he’s clicking his heels to get out of there any time soon.

Jessica/Hoyt – We totally called that Hoyt would never hurt Jessica even though his heart is broken. Time to let it go buddy. You dated a hot baby vampire and she left you to go be a badass princess. Whoah! Who didn’t see that coming? Obviously you didn’t, but you probably should have. Hoyt, I’m glad that you saved Jessica from those lunatic supe-haters, but why were you hanging out with them in the first place? You have lost your way and you need some guidance in your life. Someone call Godric.

Lala. Well look at you, Whoopi! If ya’ll haven’t seen “Ghost”, go rent it. #you’rewelcome. Lala decided to put his bad luck to good use and charge people money for using his body. So, basically he’s like a “hookah” for ghosts. I’m down with it! He gets put in these shitty situations all the time, so he might as well make a dollar. How sweet was Jesus having v-juice in his first aid kit for Lala to use? I’m glad they took care of that right away, because I was getting light headed looking at those lips. How sweet was that scene with him holding hands with Jesus in the car? Jesus is right. Who cares if it was real or not? Lala deserves a good moment, and I’m glad he finally got one. I’m also glad we saw Jesus with his head ATTACHED to his body. That Brujo shit’s been giving me the heebie jeebies.

Alcide – FINALLY we get a sex scene. HOT DAMN DIGGITY DOG! (No pun intended. Well, maybe). Sorry, I know we don’t talk about Alcide’s story line too much. It’s just that we are too busy marveling over his abs, pecs, tan skin, wolf growls, salt and pepper side burns, ass, ass again, back arms, biceps, sex-hair, forearms, upper thighs, backside thighs… oh wait, sorry! See what I mean? #distracting.

And on that note, we’re out. #dueces. Until next time…

xoxo,

Team TSD

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