TRUE BLOOD RECAP – 5×12 ‘SAVE YOURSELF’ (AKA THE SEASON FINALE)

Well goodness gracious great balls of fiery vampire blood and guts! What the hell happened last night? Congrats to you, Mr. Alan Ball, for 5 killer seasons of kick ass episodes and fangtastic characters. So… pretty much, I hyperventilated for a solid 2 hours after the finale ended. How could they just leave me hanging like that? Did Luna die? Who’s Warlow? How does Nora know him? Why is Bill the new Lilith? Why did Alcide have his shirt on the whole time? Why the frackin’ crack rocks did Tara and Pam make out? Is Jason the new vampire hunter? There are just so many things I need to know. Let’s discuss what went down on this epic True Blood season finale.

Russell: That takes care of that then. Eric says, “Well that felt better than I thought it would” when he stakes Russell in the fairy meadow. Even though I know Russell needed to die, I was still a little sad to see my favorite TV villain turn into a nasty pile of gooey vampire guts. I understand where Eric is coming from, though. Russell did pretty much make his life suck for the past 2 seasons. When you bury someone in concrete you kind of expect that to be the end of it. *sigh* I’ll miss you, Russell Edgington. At least you died while on a fairy high. That’s the way rock stars go. #dueces

Sam & Luna: Sam and Luna had some kick ass scenes in this finale. One of the most bad ass scenes out of any True Blood season has to be when Sam “flies” (pun count=1) into the red-hed Authority’s mouth. BAM! True death delivered from the inside out. Pretty gnarly shit… f*cking awesome. So, one of my other favorite parts of last night’s episode was Luna in Newlin’s body. How fun was that? Did she just incite a human/vamp war by announcing that humans were being held in The Authority’s secret lair? Uh yeah… I think so. She also let the world know there are shifters. GO SUPES! We are left not knowing if Luna is dead or not. I can only assume a girl can only shift into someone else so many times and puke up blood before it has a serious effect on her body. I don’t want Luna to die! Especially not with puppy Emma watching. How tragic. Plus, Sam deserves a little happiness. And a shower. #TeamSaveLuna

Bill: The only thing I can say here is thank Godric we can look at naked bloody Bill instead of naked bloody Lilith. I was getting tired of that shit. She was a bitch with a bad bikini wax. There is no way they will “Kill Bill” (Tarantino?) off the show, so how the hell are they going to save him? How underhanded was him putting silver in the blood Salome drank. You slippery little snake you. I knew you had a hidden agenda, I just didn’t realize it was still Team Evil. Why can’t you be saved? You told Sookie (and referenced season 1 episode 1-nod to Alan’s departure, maybe?) that “vampires sometimes turn on those they love most.” So… you DO love Sookie still, you just know that you are too far gone and now you’re drinking laced v-juice and sound like a fracking panther on crack? Did you guys hear that hiss? It sounded like a wild cat or dying rattlesnake. Weird.

Eric: Seriously, I f*cking love you. Not only do you protect Sook, but you put family first. You go to The Authority warehouse to save Pam, you stand up for her prodigy, and you continue to give penance to Godric. All while looking hot as hell in that tailored leather jacket and slim boot-cut jeans. *I die*. What the french toast are you going to do now? You and Sookie better fly far far away because it looks like Lilith’s dressed in Bill-drag and she’s ready to deliver the True Death to all y’all bitches. I’d take a note from Lala’s book and say “eff this” and pour yourself a drank. *snap snap snap*

Ladies night at Merlotte’s: This was by far my fav part of the episode. Lala makes some killer drinks, Arlene rocks a fierce leather fanny pack, and Holly delivers her boyfriend’s illegitimate children. Oh yeah, that white trash Merlotte’s regular was there, too. #awesome. Can someone give me the recipe to Lala’s Cajun margaritas? I think that’s the only thing that will get me through this nine month long hiatus.

Andy & the babies: Arlene: “Who knew watching an alien give birth could be so comforting.” Girlfriend, you and I have two very different definitions of comforting. Comforting to me is sitting on my ass watching supernatural dramas on Netflix like all day er day while a box of Franzia chills in the fridge ready for my round two. Nowhere in that comforting state do I say, “man, I wish a bipolar fairy/alien would show up and give birth on my coffee table while I sip on this Cajun margarita”. Sup with the salt anyways? I need to Google that shit. Andy, I hope your life insurance agent is still alive, because you’re going to need to quadruple that stat. Also, you might want to look into a babysitter, because I heard daycare prices are outrageous these days. You’re current relationship with Holly is probably over, too. #sorryboutya

Jason: So Jason has officially turned into J-Stacks the Vampire Hunter. Who knew a little bump on the head could make you see your dead parents and turn into a vampire hating killing machine. Jason was pretty badass in this episode, though. He totally went Rambo on those Authority vamps. It was like he was in Call of Duty, but it was real life. Talk about the best virtual video game EVER. I like seeing Jason being able to protect himself and Sook, instead of being weak and helpless. However, him brushing off Jessica at the end was so sad. I’m rooting for #TeamJesson/#TeamStacksica/#TeamHambhouse. Can we please pick a cute couple name for them already? Also, I loved the somewhat brotherly dynamic between him and Eric. It’s like the classic tale of the protective brother hating his sister’s boyfriend. Their name-off was quite cute. “Meatbag” “Bloodsucker”. However, my favorite Jason quote of the night was, “That train has already sailed.” Well said J-Stacks, well said. #classic

Tara & Pam: Oh for crying out loud. Why the hell did they even have to go there with Tara and Pam? I don’t know how I feel about their vampire make-out sesh. I do know that I like their close relationship… just not that close. As we’ve said before, we are TOTALLY #teamgays, but I DO NOT like seeing a vulnerable Pam. I want her to be a fierce hookah that won’t be blinded by love. Did you hear her voice when she asked Eric why he wasn’t going with them in the elevator? It’s like she was already losing her Sasha Fierce mojo. She and Tara can love all they want, but don’t let her turn into a flower picking pussy princess. If she starts writing, “Mrs. Pam Thorton” in the Fangtasia account books I will lose it. I agree with Sookie’s reaction, “Oh, okay.” *WTF moment* My favorite Pam line of the episode was, “Must all roads lead to fucking Sookie?” Yes Pam, I agree. She truly is the angel of death, isn’t she? I mean look at Bill! He is LITERALLY the angel of death, and her “save Bill” speech didn’t go too well. Let’s not forget Warlow, whoever the hell he/she/it, is still after her.

Sookie: Girl, I know it’s not intentional, but you seriously have a trail of shit storm following you wherever you go. It’s like you wake up in the morning and spray yourself with evil repellant, but somehow, every day is opposite day. Bill goes AWOL, Jason thinks he’s Buffy, the new “chosen one” vampire slayer, and Eric has to clean up all your damn messes. I don’t know if you have enough bleach in your bucket to clean up this pool of darkness you’re neck high in. Yeah, you’ve officially swam to the deep end and you’re running out of lifeguards on duty. You better get that house title switched like YESTERDAY and y’all need to just go have a movie marathon and hide. Can Lilith/Bill get into a house uninvited? Seeing that they can walk around in the buff without getting a public indecency charge I am assuming yes…so actually scratch that lock-down idea. You guys are f*cked.

Alcide: First and foremost, why the HELL did you have a shirt on that entire episode? You couldn’t take it off at least after you killed J.D.? Whatever. ANYWAYS props for finally growing a pair and taking your pack back. Your dad looked way proud, and it was the only feel good moment of the whole dang episode. I hate to cut your party short, though, because it looks like Lilith is re-incarnated in Bill and he’s going to take over the world so…yeah. Life sucks. You live in Bon Temps, so you probably already knew that. If you take your shirt off you might distract Bill long enough for someone to deliver him the True Death. See how easy that was?#TeamAlcideTakeYourShirtOff

Nora: I just have one question, how the hell do you know who Warlow is (scene 6 bonus clip for all you fools who didn’t watch it)? You better fess up Sarah Palin, because I’m not going to put up with any of your political bullshit. We don’t have time for you to give us the run around. Also, if you bite Sookie, Eric will rip your head off. #TeamSeric

Salome: You were getting on my nerves. Bill is also like 2,000 years younger than you and he played your ass. A-B-Cya!

Newlin: I’m not sure where you are exactly…lying in a field still? Any who, your boyfriend is dead. I’m glad you’ll be back next season because you make me laugh. Did y’all catch that “Fur Pete’s Sake” decal on Emma’s puppy carrier? I’m totally getting one of those for my Ford Focus. #bigpimpin’. Oh, and PS-you may want to call your publicist because your latest T.V. appearance didn’t go too well.

AHHH! I know I’m probably missing something, but I am just so overwhelmed right now. These long hiatus’s are worse than finding out that the leather jacket you wanted from Macy’s isn’t on sale, and your credit card is maxed out, so you’ll have to donate some plasma in order to buy it. Ok, that might be slightly dramatic and TMI, but it gets my point across. Don’t fret though, hookah’s, because we’ll still be posting True Blood news, rants, and hot photos till June 2013 and beyond. Leave your comments, bitches! #fangsout

xoxo,

Team TSD

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