Well I think the title says it all. I about threw up from the two too many scenes of naked bloody Lilith (yuck) and our friends in Bon Temps are officially screwed. Apparently, an ancient elder fairy (with the fiercest weave I’ve seen since Beyoncé’s last album tour) can’t protect herself worth a crap. Russell drank her dry and now he can see Cirque de Fairy. SHIT! Let’s break down this ep and see if we can find any solution to our favorite characters problems.

Bill. I think this episode was pretty much all about this nut case. The episode opens with a creepy woman’s voice beckoning him. Is it just Lilith’s blood in the museum case? Uh… no. It’s actually her. Can someone please run into town and get Lilith something to wear? It’s time to get dressed girlfriend. Lilith tells him that there can only be one leader and she chooses him. Little does he know, she is playing him. She told two other Authority members that as well. I mean, can you say scandalous? Looks like she’s trying to give “political genius” Nora a run for her money. It’s official guys. Bill’s gone bat shit crazy. He forced Jessica to turn Jason (unsuccessfully) and bitch slapped her across a room. He even said that Sookie and Jason are to only be considered as food now. At least when he forced her to go change Jason he said “take the helicopter.” That was thoughtful. According to Pam, he’s nesting. I don’t care if you’re nesting or not, Bill. You either need rehab or the true death ASAP! You’ve started a war, fool!

Eric/Nora. Well I prefer my naked Eric when he’s with his one and only true love, Sookie, but I’ll take Neric (Nora/Eric) sex nonetheless. It was sweet how she came back to him. Godric is giving Eric a supernatural pat on the back for that one. Well done, Eric! I love the character development here. Eric started out as the bad boy, and now he is just a sexy old Viking vamp with nothing to lose, except for his sister (Nora), his prodigy (Pam), the love of his life (Sookie), and the true death. NO BIGS. Nora and Eric luck out like big time and go on a “glamour” campaign after Eric wacks the human general whats-his-name. He must’ve been a REALLY smart general-strolling in The Authority’s lair that houses the oldest vamps of all time without protection and throwing threats around like it was confetti. #idiot. Eric and Nora leave the compound, take out The Authority security, and fly away (finally! Who called that in Eric’s Save the Supes campaign?) to go save the world. #booyah

Sookie. So besides learning that she approves of Boys II Men, we don’t know a whole lot else. Right when that crazy ass Elder is about to tell her who Warlow is, Jason bursts in Cirque de Fairy. Good lord, that boy has horrible timing. All we really got from the Elder is that there is a dark time coming and there’s a reason Sook is attracted to vampers. “There’s a reason you slut your heart out to every cute guy out there with fangs.” Well said, Elder lady. Who the fuck is Warlow already?

Russell/Newlin. At first I thought you were funny, and now you’re just pissing me off. You glamoured Jason and drank an elder fairy, and now you see Cirque de Fairies. SHIT! Why can’t they just light saber him? There’s like thirty fracking fairies in there. This is bullshit. You’re telling me that they can speak 23873572438 different languages, travel through multiple world portals, dance better than Justin Timberlake, but they can’t take on Russell 30 to 1? Alan Ball, you know I love you, but you have got to make Russell a little vulnerable. Maybe bring back his maker so he can kick his ass? I don’t know. Give me something. This is your last season with True Blood-don’t make your last hoorah a true death. Thanks!

Jessica. Girlfriend, the sad little prodigy act didn’t work. Your political genius officially sucks. Good job, though, on pretending to turn Jason and then BAM he kills those Authority dudes! (PS that was like way impressive). Your daddy be nuts, and you need to show him the LIGHT. I also loved your jacket this episode. #props

Alcide/Alcide’s dad. I would look up Alcide’s dad’s name again, but I was too busy marveling over Alcide and his abs rippling while he was using some random gardening tool. Did I really care about baby vamps in the area? Did Alcide kill some of them with his dad’s help? I think so; but I’ll be honest, I can’t recap much. I just put that shit on mute and watched his hotness in motion. Can he become pack-master now and save the world? K thanks.

Pam. Tara is completely oblivious. Pam has to tell Tara what The Authority is and orders her never to speak of killing Elijah (Tim Burton Sheriff). Jessica shows up and just wants a place to hide. Pam wants to know where Eric is and says, “Don’t play with me you little ginger bitch.” Ouch. Jessica asks Tara if she likes Pam. Awkward. I totally don’t see that kind of relationship between them. Don’t even go in that direction, HBO! Yah hear me? We love our gays, but we don’t like a vulnerable Pam-and love can do that to a woman. Can I get an “AMEN” ladies! Anyway, Pam takes the blame for Elijah’s death when The Authority come a’knockin. What a sweet bitch. She gets taken to the Authority where she sees naked Sam and asks “Who the fuck is Luna?” LUNA! Shift into a freaking bug or something and get out under the door. Just an idea.

Luna/Sam. Nice plan! #not. Now Bill is going to eat Sam, and Luna’s going to…carry Emma on her back while she’s shifted as a mouse? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that shit’s not going to fly. Speaking of flies, why don’t y’all shift into those and go hide in a crack in the wall or something. UGH. Why couldn’t Emma have been a dang shifter? I don’t care if she’s the cutest puppy I’ve ever seen-she’s about to turn into one of those bad Chinese meals that you eat and question whether it’s Kung Pao Chicken or the cute shepard-mix pup from the humane society. Because I’m pretty sure once Newlin wakes up from his fairy blast and drinks some fae blood he’s not going to give a honey badger about his fracking dog. #realtalk

Andy. One of Holly’s sons apologizes for putting his butt all over Facebook. The other son speaks for us all when he says, “I’m sorry I can’t scrape the image of your ass from the back of my mind.” Damnit Andy! (Neither can we, FYI.) So there is about to be some baby mama drama. Morella shows up at Merlotte’s and tells Andy that the Twilight super freaky fast growing baby in her belly belongs to him. She berates him for not protecting her and he tells her he’s got a good thing going with Holly. Aw! Too bad! Apparently Andy could incite a war for not holding up his end of the bargain to protect her. Say what? What the freaking crack rocks is going on?

All I can say is, next week’s finale is going to rock the dang house. Personally, I think it will the best one yet. Will you? Leave your comments, bitches. #fangsout


Team TSD

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