Only two more episodes left of True Blood Season 5 AND The Olympics are over?! Are you shitting me? I feel like it just started. Can someone work on getting us some more episodes because I’m really wondering how they are going to tie all of these loose ends up in just 2 hours. Or maybe more like an hour and a half since they SHORTED us by about 8 minutes with last night’s #Gone episode. Don’t make me take my fangs out HBO. #anyways. Our beloved characters are in a world of shit and this episode left me really pissed at Bill, in awe of Tara’s badass decapitating skills, missing Lala, Eric & Pam and wondering if Hoyt just got written off the show. I’m so frustrated! What the hell is going on? Let’s get down to the dirty deets.
Sookie – So, the episode begins watching her eat Chinese takeout in some crazy ass looking PJs. She hears a knock on the door and a sketchy shadowy figure appears. She should have opened her fortune cookie first. Fortune cookie say… “don’t answer the fucking door bitch!” We’re in the middle of a vampire crisis here and she has fae blood, but does she open the door? Duh! Of course she does. So she says, “Hark, who goes there” and let’s some new vamp come in that bites the shit out of her toes. Thank god she didn’t order pizza instead, because she uses a chopstick to deliver him the true death. Booyah! Thank you Sesame Chicken with Broccoli. Anyway, she then enlists the help of Jason to try to figure out what in Gran’s old crap is a clue to who killed their parents. Jason pretty much says, “Sook, you’re a dumb ass. The secret lies beneath these floor boards.” They find an old ancient alien script scroll and take it to the fairies to try to figure out what the hell it is. Apparently light saber fingers are also great translators because Morela uses her light beams to read the alien scroll. Wait, what? It’s not alien lingo at all. It’s written in old fae! It’s a contract that says something about Warlow and then I don’t know what the fuck else happened. Something about Sookie being the first born female and being given away? Sounds like some medieval bullshit to me. Sookie has fought off a 3,000 year-old vampire, an army of bipolar fairies in another universe, an insecure witch’s wrath, and a fracking Maenad. I’m pretty sure some joker named Warlow isn’t going to stand in her way. Oh well, we’ll find out more next episode.
Tara – Well look at you, Buffy! Slayin’ vamps ‘n stuff. Tara is a freaking badass. Not only did she look super-hot in this episode, but she beheaded the Area 5 Tim Burton Sheriff. You know there are going to be some serious repercussions to that, but who cares. Tara was taking care of business. No seriously, she was looking out for the business. Pam looked pissed but you know damn well that deep down inside, she was proud of her little prodigy for being a fierce vampire slayer. You KNOW Tara wasn’t going to get taken away from Pam (and her closet of sexy S&M wear) and live with that freak. Tara, can you mosey on over to the Authority’s lair and deliver Bill and Salome the true death? K thanks. Speaking of…
Bill. I honestly don’t have words for you. What the H-E-double chopsticks is wrong with you? First off, nice “Authority” uniform. What, now that the Olympics is over you got their preppy hand-me-downs (Olympics reference=1)? Don’t even get me started on that pinky ring, Lenny the Pimp. Looks like someone has been watching “The Godfather” marathon on Turner Classic Movies (TCM). I’m glad you actually remembered you had a daughter, too. I’m sure she’s REAL excited to go to Lilith Bible Study School instead of throwing unsupervised parties at her mansion. #buzzkill. Bill, your character literally sucks right now (pun count=1). I sort-of hate you.
Hoyt – How sad were the scenes with Hoyt? I was definitely crying like a teenie-bopping One Direction fan watching the closing Olympic ceremonies last night (Olympics reference=2). As much as Hoyt got on my nerves, it made me sad to see Jess and J-Stacks lose a dear friend. I’m guessing he is being written off the show then. There’s no way they spent 1/4 of the freaking episode saying goodbye to him if it wasn’t a final farewell. You made the right decision, bro. I would rather live on an oil rig in the middle of northern Alaska for a lifetime than live with Maxine Fortenberry for a week. Bitch is cray cray. Anyway, peace out Hoyt. Now J-Stacks and Jessica can be together without feeling guilty! Yay! #TeamStacksica #TeamJasica #TeamJesson #TeamHambhouse #TeamStackby I could go on forever with this one.
The Authority. You guys are really not that cool. You hang out in an underground dungeon all day and talk about how awesome you are. You know who else does that? 40-year old virgins who live in their parent’s basement playing video games. See where I’m going with this? I love how you gave permission for Russell and Newlin to go partying the night before a public appearance like it was necessary. Pretty sure Russell could kill you all in one swift move. He’d ribbon dance the shit out of decapitating you losers (Olympics reference=3).
Russell – I know that it sucks he stole Emma, but he seems like a pretty caring puppy father to me. He was petting her and cuddling her, which is creepy if you think about her actually being a human child. Whatevs. Newlin makes sure she knows that they DO NOT like her being in human form. I would be annoyed, too. Puppy Emma is totally cuter. Can I just say that Russy-poo dancing with Newlin to Teenage Dream was awfully sweet. They are so meant to be. Russell thinks the Authority are being little bitches. “I’m 3,000 years old you nut sacks and I’m out of here!” We see that Russell’s main concern is to find a way to harness Sookie’s blood so that he can walk in the daylight. Looks like it is going to come down to a Sookie/Russell showdown which could cause Eric and Bill to snap out of their Sanguinista blood high and save her. Russell says, “Are we seriously sitting here talking about education reform?” Well fuck that! Russell takes off to go eat some people which can’t be good. Can someone shoot Sook a text and let her know that she needs to keep those chopsticks handy? Also, Russell there is a much easier way to get what you want. If you’d like, I can call Julie Plec up and ask her if you can borrow one of the Salvatore’s daylight rings. She responded to our tweet last night so we’re like BFFs now. #problemsolved
Alcide – Not much to write about here because his abs, face, and long locks of midnight goodness were completely missing from this episode! Dammit HBO! This leads me to believe that he will be popping up unexpectedly (even though I’m predicting it now) to save the day. He’ll probably kill JD and then help save puppy Emma and indirectly help take down the Sanguinista psychos. I don’t even give two shits as long as he does it with his shirt off. #TeamTakeYourShirtOffAlcide
Godric/Lilith. WTF, man? You just let Lilith kick your ass. Lilith I get you’re a demon and you need to be evil and blah blah, but seriously, you got to put some clothes on. I watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer religiously and all those demons had excellent evil couture. Maybe like a patent leather jumpsuit? I don’t know, just throwing it out there. ANYWAYS. I can’t believe Eric is on board after seeing you slice and dice his maker! I think it’s an act. Eric looked totally worried when Russell gave his, “I’m older than all ya’ll so eff yourself I’m going to hunt fairies” speech. Go save Sookie, Eric!
Sam/Luna. Luna, I know you are freaking out, but it’s going to get taken care of. I don’t know what you and Sam shifted into, but genius idea going into Newlin’s man purse. Oh, you didn’t catch that? #yourewelcome. I hope you can shift into a stake and deliver the true death to those baby snatchers. Also, I had a revelation. If you can shift into any creature, can’t you shift into a vamp? I mean, why not? There’s a human-shifting loophole. Yeah, sure, it involves killing one of your own, but it’s a loophole nonetheless. #justsaying
Lala. I’d like to end this lackluster of an episode with a few words about our beloved Lafayette. He honestly is the heart of this whole damn show. When the world apocalypse of vampires happens, what does he do? Make the town sheriff and his old lady a nice steak dinner. All while wearing a #gaypride rainbow wristband and a crystal “L” belt. If that doesn’t scream fierce optimistic muthaf*cker, I don’t know what does.
Ok, some shit better go down next week. I want to see Alcide’s abs, Eric saving Sookie, and Jason in that delicious Canadian tuxedo again. Until next time, bitches!. #fangsout