TRUE BLOOD RECAP – 5×02 HOLY WHORE HOUSE

“I fucked up and turned her into the one thing she hates most.” Well nooooooooooo shit Lafayette. I think TeamTSD called that out in last week’s thought post? I’m not one to gloat but…told you freakin so. Ok. Now let’s get down to the dirty deets.

1.      Pam. Could we imagine her as anything else but a fierce Madame with a cocaine vile? I think not. I’m lovin’ every minute of her back story. Hooker even dressed hot 100+ years ago. And the way she fell for Eric? If that isn’t a maker/child match made in eternal damnation I don’t know what is.

2.      Tara. BITCH. BE. PISSED. And who wouldn’t be? She got shit-on in her human life and now her maker doesn’t even give a honey badger about her. I want her to rage and become the Beyoncé of vampires. “Who Run The World? VAMPIRES”. Come on’, Tara, find your Jay-Z and lock it down. Nobody likes a crazy bitch without an agenda. I got the first thing you can put on it: wash out that weave and get yourself a good blowout. You’re too “bootylicious” to be running around with a clump of nastiness and a blood-stained jean-jacket.

3.      The Guardian. Well thank you, Law and Order, for loaning us your delicious detective for the summer. Justice has been served indeed. Did anyone else love his broad shoulders in that presidential custom suit? YUMMY. He can give me the true death anytime-as long as it involves him glamour-ing me into a Jacuzzi filled with bubbles and a case of my favorite boxed wine.

4.      “The Vampire Bible (said in Bill’s voice)”. So, The Authority thinks some chick named Lilith made Adam and Eve be her blood bank? Last time I checked Lilith was some fairy in my brothers Dungeons and Dragons video game. I hope there’s more to that story. Like maybe how the Law and Order guy got made? The Authority jokers drank his blood as the “blood from Lilith” so he’s gotta be some old dude. As long as I can see him with his shirt off. Flashback, anyone?

5.      Alcide. You know I can’t talk about shirts coming off without bringing up my main dawg (pun intended) Alcide. We didn’t see much of him, but we saw him get PISSED at mama were and lay the smack down. He’s so classy. Can I PLEASE see him with his shirt off next week? Thanks.

6.      Sookie. Your house is a mess! You better hope Eric left you the insurance information because I don’t think a bucket of bleach will clean it up this time.

7.      Bill. Way to negotiate! Somebody’s been sneaking into Bon Temps Community College political science class because you sure know how to bargain.

8.      Eric. Can you PLEASE “call” Pam or whatever telepathic shit you do and let her know what’s up? She’s got that meth-head running Fangtasia and it’s a hot mess.

9.      Bill (again). You call Jessica, too. I think she’s been left unattended long enough. Keggers? She’s a hot damn princess-teach her how to act like one.

10.   Jason. Keep your rock hard assets in place before another fang (or marriage) gets chipped.

11. Emma. Ok, I don’t care if she’s a shifter, werewolf, or a dog at Petsmart. She’s flippin’ adorable. Appreciate, Luna! She could have been one of those wild coyote’s my dad has to shoot a pellot gun at to stay out of our veggie garden.

12.   Lafayette. Stop pouting. You’re a fierce bitch, act like it.

13.   Russell. Gross. Who’s feeding him anyways? Who dug him out of the parking garage? Why is he in an abandon hospital looking place?

Lots of questions left unanswered. Look into your crystal ball, bitches. I want to know what’s going to happen and I can’t wait another week. #fangsout

xoxo,

Team TSD

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